confronting lying A - Al-Anon Family Group

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

confronting lying A

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

It is a confusing merry go round. I have a very hard time repressing the anger when I get in the places you are addressing. For me, it helps to go to a face to face meeting, and, even if I don't share, I feel better just being in the energy of the group. When my husband is dancing with one of his addictions, I have learned it best to say as little as possible. I actually feel more empowered when I am not manipulated into losing control (and entertaining my codependency) Distance helps me to find my center. I wish you the best this evening.
Paula

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Lying is a symptom of being an A.

One who is using any kind of drug has a very sick brain. There is no way it can work correctly. Lying, being in denial seems to be part of being an addict. Even when they are sober they may have damage.

When I learned so much from Al Anon I just felt compassion and sad when my A lied. I realized he honestly believed them. I also learned they really do, its how their brain works.

Some can be a way their brain protects them. They feel so guilty for what they do, what they, are they cannot face the truth. Denial is real.

For me my tools are compassion and truth. I do not baby them, I respect them as a human being. They have a right to be who they are with out our being critical. If we cannot handle it, we may choose to leave.

This is my experience. For a long time, all I could do was just love my AH, so I could glean as much as I could of his company.When I learned to mellow out, not take anything personal, i was better. If he got uncomfy for me I might say the you may be right thing. or wow i would not have made that choice. becuz it was usually pretty mellow, if things just started going bad, I would say goodnight or go read or go do something else.

Sadly his brain damage was very bad, he turned into a dangerous abusive person. At this point I don't know if he would recognize me. I got a divorce a few years ago.

I hope you can find some serenity from al anon skills. love,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Lynn,

I'm going to ask the question .. what are you doing for you? That's great (and I don't mean as in yeah great!!) she's going out with her friends .. what are you going to do? I'm not talking about being vindictive .. this is a great opportunity to get out and take care of you.

Asking an active A and trying to catch them in the lies I have given up .. are their lips moving? Then they are probably lying. I just need to know what I know and operate on what is best for me. As long as I am taking care of me then the next right thing is the easiest thing to do. I stop putting all of my engery into what s/he is or isn't doing and start putting it back into me. That is where I have to be in the present and with my kids in the now.

I do know how painful it is to feel that good grief I'm not even worthy enough for the truth. I don't have to hang my self esteem on someone else's behavior though of telling me the truth or not.

I hope you have found some face to face meetings in your area.

Hugs P :)

Afraidparent · Veteran Member

Hi Lyne,
I am dealing with this today, but After my AD went out. Anymore, when doesn't she go out and when doesn't she risk her life or others?(speaking of mine). Mine went out and called for help at 1 a.m. (again) couldn't find her keys, someone had them...probably the bartender who overserved her. She needed a ride but wouldn't be able to get into her house without keys. We hung up and left her where she was/lay. I text her this morning, after a sleepless night for my husband and I, suggesting she strongly consider rehab after she completes her Satop (dui in October) 3 day intervention this weekend.
She immediately replied that she got stranded after being at her ex boyfriend's. I replied you were drunk off your a** at a bar. You can lie to yourself but they don't work with me, I know what is going on.
This led to an immediate spewing of hatred to me for calling her out on her lie. It was just so blantant and black and white I couldn't let that one pass. A call at 1 and by 6 a.m. she lied about where she was.
For the past week her and I have worked out together and each time is a new lie or she runs into another person or girl she doesn't want to see at the gym....because she's so hateful anymore she has no friends and she fights with every female in our small town. I ignored all of the little lies she'd said, I knew the truth I didn't engage her, and let it go as spending an hour with her sober and enjoying one another was good for Me and possibly her too.

I just couldn't do it this morning. So I came here as I always do to read and gain my strenght back again after reading what she said to me. Although so sad we all have to be here, its a wonderful place to be. I do find peace and serenity here and it calms my brain. I'm not insane and I'm not a bad person as much as my AD would like to think I am.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I have finally realized confronting my AS does NO GOOD...he doesn't want to hear it or doesn't believe he is lying. It is insanity and I can't deal with it anymore and won't. I listen and move on.

Someday God willing he will come to terms with his disease. He knows what he does that I'm sure of...I don't need to justify it anymore.

Take care of you.....Let go and give yourself some peace.

(((( hugs ))))

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