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Hi, I'm new. My alcoholic mother passed away at the age of 53 Feb. 2. She had nothing prepared, left me with a mess and I've finally gotten her laid to rest. I still have to take care of her apartment and bills. I new this day was coming for five years. I knew in the end she would die alone with just me to take care of everything, and I was right.
I am finding myself trying to straighten out my thoughts and feelings now. To many, I may seem cold and indifferent. I shed no tears at her wake, nor her grave side service. But, she was in ICU 3 times in the past year, I spent the whole year crying. My worrying is finally over. I was feeling relief, becuase I didn't have to worry anymore.
Anger was the emotion that had fueled me the past 17 days. Today I started crying again. I was so sad. I found a letter that she wrote years ago where she said she loved me. It was so much easier telling myself she never loved anyone or anything. She was two different people to me for the longest time. The mother I knew sober until I turned 12 and the mother that picked up a bottle and never looked back after that. People have told me that she was drinking long before than. I realize now that I fooled myself for years as well and have to remember the latchkey kid I was at the age of 10, 11, and on. Calling bars to see when my parents were coming home. I can't believe I fooled myself into thinking she was a good mother once. Now I don't know what to think.
Hugs I'm sooo sorry for your loss. Please be gentle with yourself. Do you have a support system in place?? I mean a real face to face one?
Hugs P
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you for your reply and support. I have been in therapy for years myself to deal with my parents and myself. I have an appointment tomorrow which I need. I'm working on attending physical alanon meetings too. I've realized I have a lot of anger towards alcohol inside of me and if I stay with this anger, it's going to damage my friendships. Not everyone who drinks will do something stupid or become addicted. I have some good friends, online and in person. With her passing, I have a car to use when my husband is at work now and an 8 year old son who doesn't understand because he didn't know his grandmother very much. :) Thank you.
Thank you. The me part just hit me today. I haven't been to the gym in two weeks, but have been moving tons of stuff around. She was a candidate for horders . . .thank goodness for small favors and she only had a small apartment! My back is screaming right now. I'm thinking a hot shower is in order for me! Steam my tear puffed eyes as well. I wish I knew she could see what she's left me with. I wish I could get the closure of her saying, "I'm sorry."
(((((Christine))))) Hope to hear more from you...you're qualified for Al-Anon and it's programs and MIP. It's okay to be angry as long as you have a letting it go period of time also. The cluttered appartment is a reminder of being left with the consequences of "others" lives and then the Al-Anon slogan "This too will pass" became a fulfilled promise for me as I got into and started working the Al-Anon program. I relate to the "young persons" journey you spoke of...that will pass also. Welcome to the board and thanks for your courage to share this sadness. Alcoholism is has a fatal side I have learned to accept that. Keep coming back ((((Hugs))))
God bless you ChristineD, I am so sorry for the pain, confusion, sadness - everything you are going through. I am shedding tears for you - sending hugs and know you are in my prayers. You will find friendship here, please come back.
I lost my 41 year old son to this disease only a few years ago and know the conflicted emotions that you describe. I am so very sorry for your loss and glad that you found this Board.
Reaching out to share your thoughts, and pain. and connectiing with others is so very healing. Living with the disease of alcoholism is certainly painful and unpredictable. Please know you are not alone and will find people who understand as few others can in meetings. Please do check out those alanon face to face meetings The support and understanding that you w ill receive is so very healing.
Blessings and hugs..ask your higher power to hover close. You have many friends on this board to help and please find some al anon meetings to help you through this crazy time and beyond. Paula
A brother-in-law, a nephew, and an exAH(that I still loved very much) Oh yeah, so many questions, so many emotions! the worst was the latter and that happened last fall late. I am now dealing with the emotions of my daughter who is struggling to 'let go'.... She has turned to the bottle/alcohol to numb. Scares me..... I don't want to walk down that path again. Do alot of praying. And I will pray for you! Sorry you've had to deal with this disease and what it can do. Hugs!
Thank you all again for your kind words. I honestly hate alchohol right now. I am so sick of the pain it has caused my family. I am going to break the alcohol cycle in my family line. I suddenly, at age 34, feel like I need to accomplish so much more with my life to make up for all my mother didn't. I've been on disability for 7 years now as a result of Dysthmia (a long-term depression accompanied by anxiety.) During that time I've managed to be a full-time mother to my son who is special needs. He has ADHD like I have, which lead to a learning disability, which I had as well. I am taking care of my sons issues and learning with him. I wish my mother had done this for me. But she was so caught up in her own problems, that I was invisible. I also earned my bachelor's degree and was inducted into an honor society for my work.
I have had some clarity though. I accidently bought two shampoos instead of shampoo and conditioner at the store. (I forgave myself, I've had a lot on my mind and I know I have to take care of me too.) But, without the conditioner, my hair was a snarly mess. I have a naturally curly hair and I'm still trying to find the right amount of conditioning it needs! I suddenly remembered my mom calling my hair a "rats nest" as a child and early teen. Yelling up at the ceiling, I said, "Mom, my hair was a "rats nest" because you didn't have me, or teach me to condition it! I was the child, you were the parent. It wasn't my fault it was yours." Granted, I don't know if she can hear me or not, but it still felt good to say.
