Relationships and dealing with turmoil - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Relationships and dealing with turmoil

Breezie · Member

Thanks for the warm welcomes smile

Right now I am in the midst of turmoil with my AH. He has been clean a year now. I am happy and proud he has remained clean, but that seems to be the only part of his program he is working. He thinks his program is great. I will not take his inventory to him, but have felt the need to vent to my HG, sponsor and close friends in the program. While he attends meetings, he is constantly changing sponsors, does not reach out to other program people when problems arise, but what really affects me is he doesn't treat me much better than when he was using. The name calling has generally stopped, and he's not cheating on me anymore, but he still needs to be right, my feelings are invalidated constantly, Im still to blame and he will push at me when I am doing my best to practice my Al-anon principles to try and make me snap. A good example from the other day: right when I found out about the cheating, I thought he was headed to his mistresses' house and I followed him. Crazy yes! Think most of us have been there smile He laughed and said how funny that was. I can laugh about it with my fellow alanons, I'm not ready to hear laughter from him about it. I said that, he said no, it's funny. Said I was in a lot of pain then, no it's funny. Said I know it was crazy, that's how bad of a place I was in, no it's funny. I eventually forgot my program and snapped...I wonder if that was the goal? Then he could call me the bad guy again?

I made amends right away, he did not. Told me I had six months to "get over it" or it might as well be done. I was pretty shocked and angry, but kept my mouth shut til I could get to my meeting. What came to me was he was taking my inventory, telling me how long it should take for me to work my program. I simply told him "I think you were taking my inventory, it is not up to you to determine how long it takes for me to get better. I would understand if i treated you poorly, but I have supported you, I have helped you when you have asked, I am nice to you and I don't withhold affection." He looked shocked, and had no answer. Three days later, I have not had an apology and he has not taken it back. I guess that means he stands behind what he said.

I have a lot of snarky comments to make...Screw six months, I'll save myself the trouble and leave now. Or my favorite- you have six months to never have a craving, never talk down to me, have your spiritual awakening and treat me like the queen I am smile Of course, i would never say to him, but a good reminder of how ridiculous this "request" is. I am praying for the words and also His will for me and the power to carry that out. Thank God for Him, my sponsor and friends. Helping me keep my sanity.

My goal is to not make any more amends. I loved what my sponsor told me - even when I am so mad in the heat of the moment I don't care if I have to make amends, remember it only gives him ammunition.

I had really hoped our marriage would be one of the success stories. I have never really wanted to leave even tho it seemed like the "easy" thing to do sometimes. Now I am feeling that may be the right move. Just have to keep praying for guidance.

thank you all for listening, ESH greatly appreciated xoxo

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Breezie...great attempt at restoring your peace of mind and serenity. Yeppers I did the follow her routine many times; once over 300 miles. LOL Was I or was I not looking for my fix? 1 year of not using isn't being clean if he hasn't shown better behaviors...it's just a year clean. You describe living with and interreacting with the King Baby as many alcoholic men perform like without proper re-programing. When I remember when I did the same thing he is doing I remember that I did it to "stay on top of" the other person just as you see it...it is sophmoric behavior...call it what it is and truthfully it is fear based. He does what he does in the way that he does it because he is in panic...he knows no other way to respond and he goes with the default. As long as he gets a reaction from you he knows he has pushed a button and has power and control. The buttons were mine and I had to see myself with a pair of wire clippers cutting the wires to each of them so that they no longer worked in my sick relationship with my alcoholic/addict wife. My sponsor taught me to respond to myself after I reacted and got it wrong again..."There I got me good that time"!! and then I stopped "shooting myself in the foot". Considering that you really are more healthy than he is; it proves how cunning, powerful and baffling the disease is. You can have my bestest slogan for free..."DON'T REACT"!! and when you just feel you need to say something back and don't know exactly what that should be, "When in doubt...Don't"!! You're just not in a realtionship...you're in a relationship with and alcoholic and that isn't a lose, win situation...mostly a lose. Keep coming back and practicing the good stuff you've already learned. Don"t expect the unexpected...Believe me waiting for an amends from my alcoholic/addict wife was the paramont description of "anti-climatic" ((((hugs)))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 20th of February 2013 05:44:18 PM

tortuga · Senior Member

' but he still needs to be right, my feelings are invalidated constantly, Im still to blame and he will push at me when I am doing my best to practice my Al-anon principles to try and make me snap. A good example from the other day: right when I found out about the cheating, I thought he was headed to his mistresses' house and I followed him. Crazy yes! Think most of us have been there smile He laughed and said how funny that was. '

I can so much relate to that dear Breezie....I get a very similar treatment (in an similar situation of cheating!!): laughter, mocking, disrespect and a pityful face...for HIS unacceptable behavior. It was horrible that i let this happen, it was horrible when I realized how far I let myself treated that way...and i simply got to the conclusion: it is unacceptable hurtful, disrespectful behavior...plain and simple. Laughing about me makes him probably feel superior, 'better'...whatever that does for him...whatever that is, it has NOTHING to do with love, not even companionship.

I also got better in not reacting. But i also know that situation where he pushes all my buttons at the same time, and i loose it. Well, i simply have to forgive myself for that lapsus...AND MOVE ON...without him...in my own best interest. I don't want to be in the same room with such a person anymore. Taking the blame for somebody elses weaknesses, standing strong for somebody elses low confidence, letting him suck all my energy, so he can rise and shine. He can continue this behavior, but on his own, or with somebody else....I won't play the part anymore...because I never chose to.

Thanks for sharing this here, you make me write to you and support you, and this allows me to remind me to also support myself in a more selfrespectful way.

I also didn't want to leave..honestly, i didn't....but after what ahppened recently, I realised I simply cannot live in a situation like this, i will go down, and I am assured now taht if I do, well HE will not the person to help me get out of there. There is no support or understanding to be expected from his side. So I asked myself: what do I want our realtionship to be? What do i hope to be able to create in a relationship? well, the answers tell me he is not the one I can create that with. It's actually very simple...and straight forward: Time to move on.

Whatever you decide to do, believe in yourself enough, you deserve better, and if he cannot do that, well then he is simply not the right one...mismatches happen. It is not an obligation that you have to realize your dreams with that person. The choice is yours, the life is yours. Love yourself and what others do or not do is getting less important all of a sudden. take the power back....it sounds you also want something else out of life.

I wish you strengths and can only say, I 'm currently walking a similar path. If you decide to walk away...you can always come her and share when it gets scary. YOu don't have to deal with it all by yourself. I send you a big warm hug.and CONFIDENCE.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, he has six months to wake up and appreciate you apologise and treat you the way you deserve. I SHOULD HAVE WROTE THAT.

I have been in pain and turmoil waiting for my sober ABF to get on with the steps and realize what I have put up with and apologise for all the pain and treat me like his princess.

I spoke to a woman who has so much recover she told me to read chapter five of the big book how it works (recovery).

She gave me a task right down what he did CHeated, how I felt, what it imapcted e.g my ego self estemm. And finally the part I played.

I did this task and saw that I denied that I thought he was cheating keeping myself in a situation to get hurt. He was vey ill did not mean it , it was me who never protected myself, not saying what he did was right just looking at my part so I wont do it again. I realsied we are both human. I have set a bounday if he ever drinks again and goes missing I will leave for good I can change this I feel so strong the frea has gone and the resentment , I Feel great. I know I am treating him better and guess what since my attitude has changed so has his I got roses, cards teddise and took for a meal on valentines.

He still has bad days, I am just working hard at my steps just starting step 7 and guess what I can not wait to make amends to him, never thought I could have said that. Do your work forget about his and wait for the miracles.

take what you like hugs tracy xxxx

Breezie · Member

Wow, thank you all for the beautiful words and support (((hugs)))

I agree, he is fearful. That is much clearer now. There are a few things that back that up...he went into rehab 5 yrs ago and his refrain about alanon after that was "it would be good for you even though they will tell you to leave me". That scared me, I didn't need more people telling me to leave him. When I finally came around a year ago, I did so someone WOULD tell me how to leave him. It was a bit of a disappointment at first that no one did lol smile Second, I received an award for something back in October, he came and was shocked I gave a 5 minute speech. Frankly, I was too. I have never been able to speak in public, I have alanon to thank for giving me that confidence. He said he was proud, but his face was white with fear. Since then, he likes to say, " I'm just Breezie's husband" a lot. So yes, the changes are scary, the past manipulations don't work like they used to, and he probably sees that power he had over me is fading away.

hotrod - I didn't get the laughter at first either, but as my insanity started to go away, my sense of humor returned. I still can't laugh myself about most AA relationship war stories, but I certainly understand how they can. Our war stories probably don't sound that funny to them either smile Amends is a sore subject for me. His first time thru the steps he made living amends, he never directly made amends to me for anything. Obviously, he did not follow thru with those. I have a lot of expectations around it this time around, and I need to stop the expectations. Thanks for that reminder smile

tortuga - You are so strong, God bless you. my therapist asked me a long time ago what it would take to leave, what it would take to stay. Top of my list for leaving was if I felt he was trying to hold me back. I am in awe of the members who can live with an active A and still be so serine. I'm surprised I feel pretty serine, but it's been a few days, not years. I have a lot of fear around leaving, mostly about my darling son who adores dad. I have a lot of work to do around that fear. If I'm leaving, I don't want to let fear drive me back.

Tracy - I just completed my 4th step and my sponsor had me do those pages in the big book. I completely relate with what you said. It was hard to see how anything was my part in the affair. I did everything he asked of me!! He had no reason to betray me! Then I saw the problem...he had no reason NOT to betray me. I let him get away with everything, I denied he would ever cheat on me, I had no respect for myself so he in turn had no respect for me. He treated me the way I taught him to treat me. You are right, keep working on me. I feel so much better when I focus on me and get riled up when I focus on him smile

Jerry - I love the wire clippers on the buttons analogy, that is a great visual! Where I go wrong when I end up reacting is thinking if I just say it this way, then he will understand. Expectations again! I made note of how I felt physically before I reacted this time (fire starting in the stomach then making its way up my throat, clenched muscles and jaw) and when I start to feel that, it's time to step out of the situation. I can't start explaining, I need to cut those wires smile

Much love and appreciation to you all! xoxo

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