I NEED HELP PLEASE - Al-Anon Family Group

MichaelK · Member

I NEED HELP PLEASE

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dearest MichaelK, this woman you love sounds like an addict. First we have to take care of ourselves. We have no idea what she is doing. If it is hard drugs involving needles, and or cheating, this puts you at terrible risk.

There is nothing we can do to help them. She even told you that. An addict has a very serious illness. Only they can figure it all out and make their own choices. Maybe as far as she is concerned she is fine and happy where she is.

My experience was my AH treated me like a most precious wife. I was so happy, we had so much fun and love.
then he relapsed and that man turned into a monster and still is. i never saw that nice guy again.

Getting Them Sober by toby rice drews volume one is excellent for us to learn from. At the bottom of this share is a number and a site to go to to find you a meeting where you are for Al Anon.'

Keep coming here.

Sadly this is something most all of us have been through. We care and are here to help. love,debilyn

MichaelK · Member

I'm working so hard for myself to get through this. Her temper went from constantly happy to irritable and was different seemingly overnight. Her mom has helped me a lot, since she had told her that I knew all about her past. We are great together and when she is sober times don't get any better. I'm going to work each day and will be attending an Alanon meeting this evening directly after work. I haven't looked into her eyes or heard her voice in days. It is tearing me apart, I miss her soul and will never give up on her, even with all this her pain and my pain are worth it for what we have when together. Her mom an I are incredibly worried, and with me being the only person in the area I thought she knew I'm concerned even where she is! I don't know what to do, I stare at my phone constantly hoping for anything, the littlest message or reach out would light up my life.

Annie1234 · Senior Member

Michael, It is good that you are going to a meeting. There, you will meet people with similar experiences and worries that you have. They can help you tremendously. The most important thing right now is for you to get the help you need. If she has been in rehab twice, she knows that she has a problem, and only she can take care of that.

Get to the meeting, and definitely keep coming back here. (((Michael)))

MichaelK · Member

I am trying to be the best of myself, both for myself and to show her just what she is missing. The hardest part for me is not hearing her voice, not seeing her eyes and not being able to hug her tight. I have been so incredibly worried, when she isnt home my mind just races at what she could be doing, where she could be.

I want to think she is being faithful to me, up until a couple weeks ago we talked daily about getting married in the courthouse just to hurry it along.. neither one of us want a big wedding. Now the woman I want and will do anything to spend my life with wont even return my calls.

I broke down today and called her at lunch, I know she needs and wants space but I couldnt help myself My only interaction with her is hearing her voice on the voicemail. I bought her a present, her favourite perfume (she had run out and it is hard to track down).. i finally tracked it down.

The last time I saw her she came home after spending a day at the spa.. manicure and pedicure, brand new purse and wallet and shoes... she doesnt have a job and had been gone for days at that point.. how do i respond to that? What am I supposed to think?

My worst thought is that she will completely ignore me, fall completely out of love and forget all we had just to chase a temporary high.

Her mom told me the last time she relapsed she was the one to ask for help, she checked herself in and that gave me hope that she will notice herself in the mirror and recognize this isnt herself and try and reach out.

I just pray every minute that she isnt with anyone else, she isnt stuck up in a drug house using drugs and sleeping with anyone who can get her a fix.. only weeks ago we were to be married, now I don't hear from her at all and im SO WORRIED and hurt and alone.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Michael and welcome to the board ...this is so much like my story also and when you read and listen at the meeting your will hear others share similarities also. The alcoholic/addict I fell head over heels for was at first the woman of my dreams and then all dreams became nightmares. I had to learn about and accept reality when I came to understand about the disease she was (like myself) born into. You do not stand a chance coming up against drugs and alcohol. We understand the disease a being Cunning, Powerful and Baffling. Your girl friend is both girl friend and addict and alcoholic. It is like living with multiple personalities; you are dealing with one of them now, the one that is given over to the addiction behavior, people, places and things. Infidelity was a constant for my wife and I and then it became a deal killer for me. My wife didn't commit infidelity and my alcoholic/addict did...I just never got a real heads up as to when it would happen (like you) and when I thought it would happen I was too late and powerless.

Hope...HOPE!!? yes always...I still hope for my alcoholic/addict and every one that lives. We're not married any longer. It's been over 20 years and the hope is fueled by the fact that the last time I saw her she was miraculously SOBER!! and CLEAN!! Yay!! and we hugged and expressed mutual love and the woman of my dreams and I parted company. There was not ever a reason to be married. It was a mistake in the first place and I made it even when I knew it was a mistake. There was no justification for it and then still I did it anyway and that was at the point I later came to understand that my disease of enabling bad things to get worse and my compulsion to fix broken people, places and things.

I hope you have a great meeting tonight and the next one and the next. Get to as many as you can in the next 90 days and sit down and listen...and learn...and then practice, practice, practice the suggestions you hear. The people you will be with will understand and often they will have sadder stories than yours...stay in your seat and listen.

Keep coming back here also. In service. Make sure you get to the literature table...there is a pamphlet "So you love an alcoholic" which is soooo good. ((hugs))) smile

MichaelK · Member

Last night:

Last night I had made the choice I was going to an alanon meeting for myself, I needed to talk this out and be around positive people. Staying at home all night staring at my phone hoping she will call is leaving me heartbroken and wrecked.

Then she texted me... she said we needed to talk and that I should make her dinner and she will be home in the evening. What should I make? She wanted me to choose, make her dinner something nice and we can talk when she gets there.

So I did.. I skipped Alanon with the promise of seeing my beloved. I made a beautiful big dinner, everything she would love I went all out. Had it all ready and anxiosly awaited her walking through our door. I waited...

Around 9.30 at night, I broke down.. texted her and asked when I would see her... no response... called... nothing... at 10.30 I texted again, told her I had gone all out and made her a wonderful dinner and was looking forward to it all day... nothing... finally around 11 she texted saying she wasnt coming home, and that she needed space and all my texts were just annoying her.

So here I am, another day spent staring at my phone anxious and hopeful that she will come home... or at the very least answer her phone and just talk to me.

Her mom and I talked for an hour this morning and she reassured me that she hits bottom very quickly. Her mom had talked to her yesteck on erday and said that she didnt sound happy. Her mom is doing a background check on the people we believe she is staying with and has not found anything good. Prison, Violence and lots of drug activity. We are both very worried and I am thankful and blesssed that her mother has been through this before and is able to help me.. reassuring me that she does indeed love me truly and

I am so helpless, I havent seen her in days, worse I havent heard her voice. Her mom thinks she is hiding from me becuase she is ashamed and doesnt want me to see her like this. I want to agree, but I also want to help her, I truly want to spend my life with her and it hurts that she wont allow me to help. Just give me 1% and Ill take you to alanon, ill hold your hand through rehab and I'll be there for you through everything.

Im loosing my grip at work, barely hanging on. I cant sleep or eat, im trying hard to stay positive and be the man she can rely on and be strong for her but its so hard when I get nothing no response just lies and promises.. im so hurt and alone

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Michael, My advice is to follow the wise counsel you have been given by the wonderfully generous individuals on this forum. If I am being too direct, tell me. If you choose not to go to al anon and live the 12-steps, you are choosing to live in hell. You are hurt but you are not alone. Grab the life preserver and save the only life you can save, yours. Many hugs to you on what can be a wonderful healing journey.
Paula

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

If someone told you this moment could potentially be what the rest of your life with her could be like, what might you think? None of us can tell the future, but all of us here have deeply loved an addicted person. What you are experiencing is normal behavior when they are active. I loved a man last year like no one ever before. Nothing I could do, despite working hard to do the things recommended, could stop him. He loved me so deeply in return but it wasn't enough. In the end, a month ago, the alcohol took his life. He was only 48 and left 3 grown children reeling with questions. Some are able to stop the cycle with THEIR hard work, we have to work on our addiction to the person. But there is no way to guarantee who can stop the cycle. And its very hard to learn how to not help an addict because our help makes them sicker. Only their own help will succeed in the end. Taking care of yourself, getting yourself strong and healthy are the things that can support the relationship. Loving someone with addiction doesn't follow normal relationship rules. Going to all anon is a start. And there is always a new day to attend again. Keep coming back. Many of us have felt as you do.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Michael, I'm sorry you are going through this. You are seeing a side of a person with ism's. I, self and me. It's not a pretty site after a while. Your relationship is quite new and she is telling you who she is, believe her if you can, for your sake. Most of the wise people on this forum got sick through living and loving an alcoholic. We became obsessed and lost ourselves along the way. You sound as if you are obsessed with your gf right now and it may be that there is something going on with you. How your feeling. Face to face meetings will help you. Best of luck to you.

MichaelK · Member

Im trying hard. Every moment is difficult knowing she is out there.. just out of reach and communication. Her mom has been a great help and I really cant thank her enough. She texted me today saying her cell phone bill is due in 2 days.. but that her 'friends' had bought her a new macbook laptop... strange.. giving someone a expensive computer but not pay her cell bill. I told her I would gladly pay it so we don't lose communication but she needs to come home and see me first.

I have been reading all I can about addiction and the steps to recovery. Showing her that I am strong and willing to help her with every step of the way giving her nothing but love and ignoring her mean remarks as just a sign of addication... and not the person I fell in love with.

I will never give up on her, she has changed my life. I came to realize today that this struggle im going through is nothing compared to the one she is/was/will face. And that by me being strong enough to handle this situation will help me hold her hand through hers. Together we can be strong, I wont give up on her. Addiction is scary.

Her mom told me to push out any negitive thoughts, ignore them and not listen to my interior monologe telling me she is sleeping around, shooting drugs and ignoring us out of spite.. instead she is lost and confused and hurt, and doesnt want to reach out just yet for fear of being rejected further.

She knows I will be there for her forever, I tell her everyday via a text message. Her heart and soul are good, everyone has demons and I really believe she was put in my life to help the both of us grow into the amazing adults we will be.

Every minute is a struggle for me, It is so hard knowing she is out there and unwilling to talk. Whenever she does I will be there, ready and willing to take her through every step to recovery and beyond to a stable, sober loving wonderful soul that she is.

I have good hours and bad... sometimes i break down crying at work run to the bathroom and pray to God she will come back, and allow me in to help. Others I sit in silence, knowing that she loves me and being content that I will never give up on her... eventually she will break down and come back... im persistent when I know what I want.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you are really addicted to her.

Don't get me wrong. You sound very caring and your concern is wonderful in many ways.

But this doesn't sound like healthy or mature love. You want to put her on a pedestal and save her and cherish her like a trophy or a wounded animal or something.

You call her the woman of your dreams. I would focus more on the woman she is and stop fantasizing. You will make healthier choices that way.

In some ways maybe it's noble to stick by a sick drug addict, but beware of playing martyr and ask yourself why you don't deserve a healthy life partner? Life is short. Do you want to spend your young life (and maybe older life) with someone so sick that will put you through this again in all likelihood?

**Edit - I know this sound super harsh when you are so well intentioned. My main point is that she is going to recover on her time and this is a serious lifelong journey of recovery for her. If she is to stay sober, it will likely involve daily meetings and a lifestyle which is largely all about recovery. Holding her hand through a rehab or detox process is not where it ends. It's holding her hand through her whole life of being an addict and her whole life being in recovery. That is who she is. True recovery involves daily meetings, stepwork, sponsorship, painful revelationsh she might make about herself and also about her relationships. She may come to conclusions that she needs to be on her own....you can't predict. My guess is she stayed sober for a while using you as her higher power. That wont work for either of you in the long run. She has a long hard road in front of her and it's one that you cannot help her go down. I have found that I was happiest in my relationships when I finally grasped that the other person had complete freedom and they were not supposed to be like a puzzle piece that completed me. I love my current partner, but I enjoy my life aside from him. I am not going to wreck my life or make my life all about another person ever again. Been there done that way way way too many times.

**Double edit - While it's good that her mom is a support to you...be wary of that. Mom probably has visions of a healthy daughter and grandkids and is also oversimplifying her addiction. Perhaps she also thinks her daughter can just easily slide back into the role of happy wife and move forward. I just caution you from teaming up with her mom to try and force her to be something she's not and/or be ready for recovery when she's not.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 21st of February 2013 09:40:13 AM

-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 21st of February 2013 09:45:51 AM

Findinghope · Veteran Member

One of my favorite phrases I've found through alanon that helps me when I feel like I'm in crisis is to repeat " I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it". The more I realize this, the more I truly comprehend how powerless I am over alcohol, and my alcoholic. I hope you find some peace, and are taking care of yourself.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.