Feeling blocked from ending 4 year relationship - Al-Anon Family Group

Sangyaa · Veteran Member

Feeling blocked from ending 4 year relationship

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

My marriage was like that. One day, I just knew it was the end for me. My HP gave me the way and the words. My husband was abusive and I had two small children at home. I feared what our families would say, what the church I belonged to would say, how I would support my children and I without help from their father, what he would do. When I decided I was done - there was no way I could raise my kids with him anymore - God showed me the way through and out. He gave me ideas I never would have considered on my own. Was the divorce painful? Yes. Was the financial difficulty awful? Yes. For awhile. Did my life and my self worth improve? Yes! Yes! Yes!!! One thing I know now. Our marriage wasn't right for either one of us. I was unhappy. He was unhappy, too. There was no point in prolonging what was dead - toxic. In choosing to divorce him with God's guidance and strength, I freed us both - to change or not. He didn't. I did. Staying married to him wouldn't have made a difference for him. But, it would have killed me.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, your story struck a chord, like so many, we all live such similar probs with an a. I felt like this when I was your age and I stayed until I was 38. Wow, 20 years of denial. I always felt like you. I couldn't leave. I was always planning to leave always scheming, making plans, but never did. I was too scared. Scared of what he would do or say. Scared of not having him to blame for my life. Leaving him would force me to face myself and I hated me for years. Dive into your program, build up your self love and you will know what to do.x

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

to thine own self be true.

It will feel better when you are honest. how he reacts is not our problem or in our control. If you feel unsafe, tell him in a public place.

You can arrange to have him pick up his stuff somewhere besides the home. Just ideas.

Many A's tend to parasite off others. The disease has them so strongly they will do anything to get what they want.

Maybe if you face that your supporting him is hurting him, will help you to let him go.Its true, he won't be able to help himself if we babysit them.

hugs, its not easy at all, takes lots of courage. keep coming, debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha sangyaa and welcome back...you've no doubt heard the phrase "When I got sick and tired of being sick and tired"? See if that fits and then do the next right thing.

((((hugs)))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

In avoiding "conflict and drama" you are exposing yourself to even more drama. Just like the final episode of a TV series finishes with the highest level of drama...the same is true for these relationships. You already know that.

BUT - the good news is that after that final episode - The show's over as long as you done tune in again for the sequel :) You have to remember you didn't like the drama to begin with.

tortuga · Senior Member

Dear Sangyaa, this makes so much sense. Thanks so much for sharing. I cannot tell you what to do or when to do or how to do. But I can share with you that I got out of this 'trap'...only this month, only last weekend. I didn't know it was happening, because I had hope, and I still believe I loved that person. But yes, i felt trapped, like you, because no matter what i did, and how i did it, for my ABF , it was simply always the wrong thing. which made me desperate to please him more, to keep him happy...a life on eggshells. when he wasn't happy, I didn't have the right to be happy. When he was happy, it was all about him, and i felt depressed. and that's not who I am ....
so, for now, I am 4 days into separation, it was a violent ugly situation, and it came by surprise. It was hurtful, and combined with a lot of anger and sadness and disorientation and disrespect and alot of lies got out into the light. But today has been a day, where i felt happy and serene for the first time, free to breathe....and I simply enjoyed 'being' in today and enjoying what life has to offer.I found out that I don't have to be scared, that I'm not a horrible monster (how he told me so many times). I found out i can laugh without him, share and talk to other loving friends, be appreciated for who I am and what I have to give. And life feels healthy again. He is gone, and it feels weird, yes there is a whole, and I catch myself thinking of some of the good moments. But i also remember the facts, and they help me to move on. I am learning to concentrate mor eon myself again, finding out who i am and what i want, and it feels exciting again. So many dreams were minimized in his presence....now there is more space for new good things. You are young, you deserve the best, life is an adventure and you can make it beautiful by keeping an open mind. You can learn new ways, you can discover more parts of you that have been kept in the dark until now. stretch your legs and run and explore. in the moment it is sure not gonna be easy, but think like that: is it gonna be more easy if you continue in this unsatisfying way? your guts is telling you something, why would you listen more to him than to you. Our lives don't always have to be defined by a relationship, they can also be defined just by US

so accept the fear, it is legitimate, but also know this fear only is there because you are preparing for unknown territory. and by experience i can share with you: unkown territory is not always negative. it can be fulfilling also. Up to you to discover.
on quote i like a lot: 'Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of fear.'
so gain courage, and you will know what there is to do...you can be the master of your life....fear is a natural force, use it in your favor!
and please come back and share. how you feel right now, others may feel similar and we can share and reduce a little bit of that fear, for we have been there and we saw that we gave it too much power.
in support and big warm hug to you.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.