Email from my son - Al-Anon Family Group

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Email from my son

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Careful, careful, careful... keep in mind that the alcoholic can be very manipulative, and look pretty innocent in the process. My next concern is his trying to make an amends before he has worked the previous steps of the program. There are 12 of them... and he is not likely any where near step nine and the steps are written in the order they are in for a reason...

Now, having said that... the decision is yours. Do what you would most feel comfortable with, and should it become uncomfortable you are not binded to letting him do everything he has listed. In short you can pull the plug so to speak should it become nescessary for your own serenity and peace of mind.

Trust that I have seen this senrio a number of times with my own son... and it is very likely that while doing this work... and doing it well... his financial needs will be brought up, as a "general mentioning"... his bringing it up, does not obligate you to start throwing money at him again. It's okay to listen to what he is saying, but be careful you don't open the door with a question, like..."I would help you but...." that opens the door for him to justify, explain, why its different this time.... LOL

And you still love him enough to want to believe him. :)

John

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Cathy

I will have to agree with John Be careful. Remember there is no rule that says you cannot employ your son or have him work around the house

Check you motives and pray about it

In my prayers.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Should he resolve his guilt? I'm unclear on that one myself. I bet his sticking with his program longterm would go a lot further in making it up to you than trimming trees. But I'd think it's really all down to how much you can protect yourself.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, I got a bit excited with this one, I thought oh lovely. I want to hear this from my son. Sounds like amends but then I read johns reply and your son is right there are an awful lot of 'I's in there. It is all about him. I am still not recovered enough to know what the best course of action is. My pesky mothering or smothering instincts would kick in. Amends, true amends shouldn't be about him. Still, progress not perfection.x

LeenieBeanie · Senior Member

Cathy

I, too was excited to see that you heard from your son. Then I read the message. I echo John and Mattie and Betty, please check your motives with this , then procede with caution.

Both of you are in my prayers

blondie99 · Veteran Member

Cathy - I've been there. My AH stayed in his hometown after rehab, supposedly to help clean out his mom's house - said it would be "cleansing" for him too. He even had the therapist saying OK if he took care of himself. That was in November. Now - house not done, no work to show for the money he took from his mom for the help, living with mistress and just checked back into rehab a week ago today. Please proceed with caution.

oldergal · Senior Member

Good to hear your son is in recovery. I am sure he does feel guilty about not helping his Mom out when you have been helping him all these years. Please make a knowledgeable choice with this. Take your time, think about it, don't let anyone rush you. Make a plan, ask your son questions. Be straight forward with him and ask him if he is going to ask for pay. How many hours a day will he work at your house? Does he have gas money to get there? Will you be at work when he is there, or will it be on the weekend, YOU DECIDE. Is he ready for this?, or is he just feeling emotions, or is he creating a soft landing for himself. I would state your idea and then give him a few days to think about it. Yes he is in recovery, awesome, but you are also in recovery and you must take good care of yourself. Without using your Al-Anon tools and being strong Cathy you will both go down again. Its ok to be compassionate, but make sure you feel ok with whether you decide to pay him or not. What are your motives, intentions. Even a small decision with this disease requires lots of thought. Take what you like and leave the rest.

In Support, Oldergal

oldergal · Senior Member

Just one more important thing, I learned NOT to pay my son upfront. Not until the job is done....that is the smart thing, too many times he started a job and never finished or came back. Its just like a real job you work FIRST and then get payed after the work is done.

NO EXPECTATIONS, NO RESENTMENTS......

Oldergal....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

they have the most beautiful manipulating ways. so sad. Too bad he does not use this to find a job and or get to rehab.

It hurts so much to see you go thru all this.

To help them, in my experience, as always, takes away from them.

My husband was in jail, dui. He had sent me a few love letters. saying how we could make it thru, we had been thru so much. I thought it thru and said ok. When he got out, he had lost my new phone number. He called my good friend to get it and she would not give it to him. Instead of just coming home, he goes to his old woman person. does not tell me where he is, I am frantically looking all over for him, even put posters up., went out late late in the am hunting and talking to homeless people etc.

then his sister finally tells me he is at J's.

We all can be fooled, and then tore up. ya I don't get the resolve his guilt either. And yes the twelve steps start with number one. It is not making amends to try to resolve his own guilt.

HP love him. I am sooo proud of you working your program. its not an easy thing when it is our kids.

hugs honey, debilyn

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for your support.

There will be NO money involved here and I will not give any. But I don't want to feel guilty or obligated to him in any way. I want to believe my son is being honest and sincere that he really wants to help his mom and not have any expectations that I will cave in and enable him again with money.

I won't go there ever again and if I decide to let him do any work for me ....we will see how sincere he really it. If he isn't he will have a problem.

As he quotes: I am not asking for anything in return. My reward is accomplishing these tasks.

I love him dearly and I pray he loves me as his mother and nothing more. He loves me because he knows I need help around here. He loves me because he can do it for free and I won't have to pay anyone. He loves me because his mother is getting older and can't keep up on this property by myself. Loves me because I work very hard and don't have the time to do it all. Loves me because I have helped him in so many ways. Loves me because he will need to start taking care of me me me.....lol sorry about that. I just got a little distracted.

And like John said...I can pull the plug whenever I want. If he should start with his.....it is different now....I can come back with.... what about saying your not asking for ANYTHING in return. Son don't hurt me anymore..

((( hugs everyone and thanks )))

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

He always tells me he will NEVER be able to repay or say he is sorry enough for what he has caused me. He wants my love and doesn't want to lose me and will do his best to make some amends to me.

As far as him being in a program...its his way right now...so I can only live my life today because tomorrow everything can change.

I did write him a email stating I did only want him healthy and happy and his sobriety is first and foremost in his life. I also said how I had to be honest and I fear this could jepordize our realationship and I didn't want that. I don't want to feel obligated to owe him anything.....I just want a mother/son realationship and him helping me out of the goodness of his heart.

I'm still praying about this so we will see what happens going forward.

((( hugs )))

-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Tuesday 19th of February 2013 01:22:04 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, you and he have an enmeshed relationship. This is not all bad. It means that you do love and care about each other but boundaries have been seriously impinged upon. It would seem this would keep you enmeshed as both of you are trying to recover. My concern is that in early recovery, we are in so much pain that we think we can just put a bandaid over things and it will be fixed. He has HUGE guilt and it is rightly so. Based on my experience, I would say he needs to learn to sit with his guilt and work through it...Some of this involves you letting him sit with it too. There are not such easy solutions to having wronged people. Perhaps I would bring up the concept of a living amends which is - "You are my son. I only want you to be healthy and happy and to be that, you need to be sober. Keeping your program first and your sobriety 1 day at a time is the best gift you can give me."

If he thinks you are "even" and he has made up for all the damage he caused, then he might be less motivated to be in recovery. He still has no real grasp of the depth of pain he caused and it will take more time for him to really understand that and be able to own it. I believe he needs to know it can't be fixed by doing chores for you. Fostering that idea will keep him at a lower level of acceptance. It also keeps boundaries blurred because that is stuff a husband would do or an employee. Maybe a son might...but first the son would have their own life and enough boundaries to not live through their mother.

Just from my own experience, I stayed in recovery more because I wanted to be a different person than because I wanted to make up for the damage I caused. If I thought I could just "fix" all the wreckage that quick, I might have gone out.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Also Cathy - There is no right or wrong. He will either go out or be in recovery and you have no control but just as you are learning to stop playing God...so is he. It's an important lesson for him to learn that he can't just make it all better so fast.

I have had to learn hard lessons about growing up in recovery. One of them was "No. You can't just make it all better that way." That was a lesson in how to earn respect, make a living amends, and how to develop integrity.

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