The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son, 18, has been struggling with a heroin addiction for several years. We dealt with the failing grades, the stolen valuables, and all of the lies. Now, after 2 stints in rehab, he is 165 days sober and living in a sober house in Illinois. Now that he is out of the house, I look around at my surroundings and realize that those people I thought were my closest friends are only my friends if I don't bring up my son, even just to share a story about his job or a recent phone call. They act as though my family trauma is contagious, or worse . . my fault.
It breaks my heart. I've worked really hard to overcome all of my own anger and hurt toward my son. I can't imagine ever really trusting him again, but those are MY issues, not THEIRS. I had thought that when he moved, I would be able to rebuild my relationships (ones I hadn't had time or energy for before), but I feel as isolated as ever.
Kelly, you came to the right place. Please check out a location near you that holds face to face Al-Anon meetings. So many parents go to these meetings...people who are struggling just like you are.
You might find some new awesome friends who will not judge or criticize. They will give hugs, support, and cry with you, when needed. Stick around here, also. There are some amazing people with good experiences and wonderful advice.
I'm sorry Kelly. I hope posts from Service Workers may help you.
I understand your feelings. I have an AD who is 22. I have not lost friends or relatives, yet. However, I know if I were to make my daughter a topic of conversation when talking to others, they would also probably shut down. Not because they consciously were shielding themselves but maybe worried they had no wisdom to share on the subject. I know at times my husband and I alone are overwhelmed with our AD being the focus of our life. So we consciously try to make an effort for her not to be. If I want relationships with others, then those are My relationships. I don't want to bring her up either good or bad. Mine is still using and I see no end in sight. So when I get the chance to be with others and get her off of my mind.....I have no need to discuss her or her issues. They are hers and I want relationships outside of her.
I'm not suggesting you don't speak of your son, but maybe just enjoy the time you have away with others and how he is doing. I do think its true that people move away from those that have family troubles. They steer clear of it. If that happens to me in the future, and it very well might, then they aren't strong enough to be part of my life anyway. I will find people who do want to associate with us and will find people who Know there is no family that is perfect. There is no one without faults.
Good luck! (((hugs))) to you. You are not alone and isolated. Keep coming back here and read posts. They are Truly helpful.
I never talk about my son, who is active right now, with my closest friend. She thinks the whole thing is hopeless and I should just leave it be. She thinks he will never change and I should just forget it. So I never mention my son to her.
In tough times is when you know who your true friends are I have found out. Although I am new I have found much strength, hope and peace here as will you. Welcome!
"Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with" That is from the AMA definition of alcoholism and it also refers to drug addiction. Aloha Kellyp and welcome to the board. Your post is very real for me because the alcoholism and drug addiction in my life just smashed so many of my relationships; friends and family. I was insane from it and didn't know that people trying to be normal don't know or understand the insanity of the disease and I was often looking in the wrong places for understanding myself and soooo they fled after they felt pity for me and got tired of my horror stories. Thats normal I found out and so I had to rebuild the group of friends and associates in my life as I learned to rebuild my life in Al-Anon. Al-Anon was the place where I got all the non-critical and condeming feedback that I wasn't getting outside of the room. Al-Anoners truely understand and they were not there to take my part in anything and jump into the fray of chastising and condemming my alcoholic/addict. They knew I played a part in my insanity and so they kept giving me their own ESH which is what I needed all the time. They literally loved me until I could love myself and they told me that was what they would do in the first place. LOL Al-Anon works!! What I learned in Al-Anon helped me to also have friends outside of the program who I don't make complaints with. I spare them the trauma and drama of the disease because they don't thave the experience of it. Trust is a huge tool in the program and it has to be learned and tested without fear. Keep coming back. (((((Hugs)))))
Glad you have found us! there are lots of parents on this board who understand completely what you are going through.
Our daughter and her 8 year old son lives with us and she is still actively drinking. I have found that in AlAnon meetings are the only place I feel safe. I am not judged, pitied nor is anyone scandalized by her latest anticts. I agree with everyones response to you and Cathy hit it on the head , my daughters drinking became my obsession and before alanon I let everyone and anyone know about it. I have since learned that not all this behavior should be shared with "friends" . She is deserving of respect as her drinking and the way she is conducting her life is really her business. We can't make her stop; she said she doesnt want to. She has a HP and I have turned all that over. As far as people seeming distant - it might not be for the reason you think. They may be having a similar situation going on or a situation building and by listening to you they may think that this is a foreshadowing of things to come. Lots of denial out there. It certainly seems as though every family has been touched by drugs and or alcohol and the drama that unfolds.
Wow. Thank you all for your responses. There's nothing like validation in a judgment free zone to loosen the grip on my heart a little bit.
Please note that I have NEVER talked with this group of friends (the topic of my original post) about my son's issues. They know, of course, because kids talk, and things were such a mess toward the end that his friends were very aware. Amazing how I thought it could have been a secret at all. Looking back, it was something like trying to hide an earthquake, if that makes any sense. Now that he is in recovery (praying, crossing fingers, praying some more), it would just be nice if they would acknowledge his existence.
BUT the instant response on this board tells me that I have resources, and that gives me HOPE. My son is committed to his NA program, although some of this is mandatory to continue living in his house. I talked to him the other night about these same issues, and his response was, "Mom, why are you not going to al-anon meetings?" I told him I was busy, that his brother was busy, yada, yada, yada . . . He said I could make excuses forever, but that would be all they were and he would be bugging me until I did this . . for me. He's a sweet kid when he isn't using.
I think I'll hang out on this forum. My next step is to find a meeting. I tried once, but wasn't comfortable there. Could have been the people, could have been me, could have been where I was in my journey. I think it's time again.
Thanks again for your prompt responses and support. It will get me through another day.
