Al-Anon Family Groups UK and Eire

MoominMama · Newbie

So upset by his denial and hurtful behaviour

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and welcome,

Have you considered going to a face to face alanon meeting in your area? I would encourage you to do so. The other thing and I have said this before, I can't take credit for the question however I have heard it over and over on the boards from another member. If you knew nothing was going to change could you stay and be ok with things remaining the way they are now? Alcoholism is a progressive disease and so it's not going to get better until he chooses to get help and I can't stress enough that he has to be willing to get help, without the willingness then there is nothing.

Alanon has given me a better perspective on seeing that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I won't cure it. It has also helped me live a better live regardless of what the A in my life is doing or not doing. We are no longer together, I have a better understanding as to why I pick who I pick and why I do what I do.

The disease on both sides is painful, damaging on all three levels of physical, emotional and spiritual. I can't save someone else, I have to make the decisions that are best for the kids and myself. He has to live with the consequences of his choices. I was not able to do those things and stay with him. The person he is now, .. is so far removed from the person I met originally. That person was always there the alcohol just brought them out more and more and the other guy went into a shell is the only way I can describe it.

Keep coming back and you are not alone.

Hugs P :)

MoominMama · Newbie

Thank you so much for replying.

I feel like a child, I have been crying for hours over this man because I love him, but in honest answer to your question would I stay if it was always going to be like this..today..right now, I don't think I could. I want the man I love, not the person he turns into while drinking, and the incidences are already becoming more frequent. But I also know myself, and realise that in a few days time when I am missing contact with him even more I will probably give in and either contact him or take him back if he contacts me.

I haven't looked into meetings here (I live in the UK and I'm presuming this is more of a US site?) as I have never had any contact with anyone in this situation before. I did start reading up when I first started to worry that he had a problem, so that I could try and broach the subject without making it worse. I have spoken to him twice about how worried I am and that I think he should try and recognise he has a problem but he really just clams up and then nothing really changes. Sometimes I just can't get the words out of my mouth either, it's such a hard thing to talk about. I feel like I am belittling him or making him embarrassed and it's not in my nature to be hurtful. I also know the only time I should speak to him is when he's sober, and at that time everything is ok and he's lovely and I somehow feel guilty. I know it's ridiculous.

I have read lots of information on here tonight, and other peoples stories. And I will keep coming back.

I just need somebody to talk to I guess.

Thank you again for replying, any help or thoughts are gratefully accepted.

x

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Alanon is a world wide organization .. there are other members from the UK again .. you are so not alone. Someone else might have a number you can call that would let you know about the meetings in the UK. There are some really great books to read, in reading your original post the ones that come to mind and you can get them on Amazon.com. Getting them Sober Vol 1 - 2 (there are 4 in the series), and anything Melody Beattie, I was thinking Co Dependent No More. The pamphelets that are available online and they are free if you do a search for them, A merry go round named Denial. I would encourage you as well to read and you can download it for free the Big Blue Book and that is an AA book however the stories in there really brought to light for me how horrible the disease of alcoholism is for the A. I get my compassion from the open AA meetings I attend and then my detachment fuel from the Alanon meetings. It's a balance for me to deal with it all. Very honestly I apply both programs to my life and the wise members of both programs give me a new perspective to see things from.

MIP also offers meetings here I don't know the time difference however they are 7 days a week usually morning and evening? I might be wrong about some of that .. there is a schedule. I would encourage you to attend whatever means to break your isolation and see you are not alone and it gives an outlet for that.

It is not ok for anyone to abuse another person emotionally, mentally, physically or financially .. all abuse hurts. It's ok to cry and don't feel bad about it. feeling is a good thing. It's ok to wobble on your answer to the question I asked originally. only you know the right answer to those questions for you. Some people can stay in the relationship and it's ok and even healthy for them. Some can't, .. I couldn't .. I hope some day to have a civil relationship for the sake of my children. That day isn't today for me and that is part of my own healing process.

Hugs P :)

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome! Very glad you found us, you are definitely in the right place
We have people in here from all around the world, many in the UK and there are meetings there that are face to face
I do also urge you to find a meeting in your area and start attending. This program we work is strictly for those of us who have been affected by someone else's addiction. We are all here because we love or have loved and alcoholic or addict. But as we get so caught up in their disease we lose sight of our own needs and well being. Working this program, working the same steps as they do in AA or NA (just in a different context). For me, I grew up with this disease all around me but it took my son becoming an addict to bring me to my knees and reach out for help. By the time I got here I was just as, if not sicker than my son. I had lost myself completely trying to "fix" him. I had to hit my own bottom.
This is a cunning & baffling disease that progresses until the person decides for themselves they want help. And they do have to want it for themselves. In the mean time it seems you are ready to help yourself, that's the good news because you are the only person that you can help.
All the talking, yelling, begging, pleading or threatening in the world isn't going to work if you are trying to fix someone else. Believe me most of us have been there.
It's time to focus on you and your children. Keep in mind that your bf's behavior is affecting them too.
When I 1st entered the program I had to hear a lot of truths I didn't want to hear, I had to learn to put my needs over my son's (and I didn't want to do that either) I had a very hard time in the beginning. But I didn't want to be miserable anymore, I didn't want to be a doormat, I was so physically exhausted trying to "fix" my son it was making me ill. Once I surrendered to the fact that I was not powerful enough to fix anyone else it was such a relief. My son is still active and I pray a lot and give him over to my HP daily, sometimes several times a day. This program made me stronger. The people in this program understand my struggles as no one else can. The support you receive will be unconditional. What ever decisions you make will be supported because you know what's best for you.
Please find a face to face meeting in your area and give us a chance!
Prayers and blessings your way

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear MoominMama

Welcome to Miracles in Progress

I am glad that you found us and had the courage to share. I, and many others can certainly identify with what you are experiencing and know the pain, anger, fear and resentment that this type of relationship can foster. I am glad I found alanon because it was there that I learned that alcoholism was a disease over which I was powerless. Because I interacted with the disease and reacted to it, I, like the alcoholic needed a program of recovery.

We need to learn to focus on ourselves, act in our own best interest and stop taking care of others at our expense We also have on line meetings he that are fantastic

Alanon is that tried and true recovery program, We have face to face meetings world wide. I checked the UK web site and have posted it below

There is hope and help

Here is the UK Information

Al-Anon Family Groups UK and Eire

61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF

Tel (Confidential Helpline): 020 7403 0888 (10am - 10pm daily)
Web: www.al-anonuk.org.uk

Al-Anon is worldwide and offers understanding and support for families and friends of problem drinkers, whether the person is still drinking or not.

Alateen, a part of Al-Anon, is for young people aged 12 to 17 who have been affected by someone else's drinking, usually that of a parent.

For details of meetings throughout the UK and Eire please contact the helpline.

Last updated on 21/07/2012

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PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for sharing. You received some wise responses...I would like to add a question that has helped me and is helping me tonight; WHAT IS THE MOST LOVING THING I CAN DO FOR MYSELF? My therapist gave me an assignment several years ago that included doing something loving for myself every day. I formed a habit that made me responsible for nurturing me and really helped me to recognize the words or actions from another person that were diminishing to me. I had lived with verbal/emotional abuse for so long I took it in. I feel so sad for me when I think about the years of crap I allowed from another human being that supposedly loved me. Don't let this happen to you....you are so wonderful...don't let anyone diminish you. Get support and love from this forum and face to face meetings...let the magic of the program help you heal.

Paula

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. I know you must hurt so much. The thought of losing him is pretty horrible.

Getting Them Sober, toby rice drews volume one is a great book. It will help you so much.

The disease of addiction is nothing we can rationalize. He is very sick. Our bodies need so much water to work correctly. When a person is an alcoholic what they drink is poison to them. So their brains are not working right at all.

None of it is personal, even what he says does not matter, its from a very sick mind.

Al Anon helps us to learn to do what we can do for us, we learn tools and information to make good decisions.

I always say this, We can choose to stay, go to al anon meetings come here, learn tools to be able to stay with them, or we can keep it the same, or we can separate ourselves from them.

For me I researched like crazy to learn about addition, really into Al Anon for many years, read all I can find on it also. My tools are very strong. but it took lots of mistakes and falling on my bum. It made me into such a better person.

I have no A's in my life now. but all I learned has changed my life for the better. I do have a wonderful guy now who has had years of al anon also.

Keep coming. MIP people are the best. love,debilyn

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there and welcome, you have come to a good place.
I am also from the UK and there are lots of Alanon meetings throughout the country. I found the listing on the website that Hotrod gave you very useful.
I'll never forget the first alanon meeting I went to, it was just such a relief to meet people who understand so much.
I also went to another meeting in a different place and that did not work out so well for me so don't give up, just shop around if you feel that you need to.
I am reading Getting Them Sober at the moment and I wish I had read it years ago - I've learnt a lot by experience only and believe me it is much better to learn from books and other peoples experience!
You are not alone and there is help to draw on.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

He's not a different person sober. He's the same alcoholic. He can't cope with serious emotions sober so he drinks. Over a substantial length of time, you will see that this "sober" him that you think is so loving and great is really not because alcoholism will take over that also. That's been my experience. Alcoholics are not bad people. They are sick people. Envisioning them as Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde is not accurate though. They are emotionally underdeveloped and self-centered 100 percent of the time. The drunk behaviors are the ones that are most objectionable and intolerable of course.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Well said, pinkchip

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome. I live in Scotland and there is an Alanon group in most towns and cities in the Uk. Log onto the Alanon UK website and there is a link that lets you find a meeting in your area. Im sorry you are going through this. This forum is very good to gain insight into the disease of alcoholism, knowledge is power and it has certainly helped me. Take care of yourself.x

Zimmy · Senior Member

Hello and welcome to MIP, I'm also in the uk and although there are not as many meetings here in the uk you will most probably find one in your town. No more that I can add, but until he acknowledges he has a problem and is prepared to get help, all the nagging, talking, discussions arguments will be wasted unfortunatly. I think most of us who have lived and are living with an alcoholic have tried everything from drinking with them in the hope that they wont drink as much from abstinace etc. Unfortunatly the old saying you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink is very apt. The disease is draining on the family families of alcoholics, but there is hope in al-anon for us.

Coming out of denial is very hard and scary thats why its great you have found us. You are not alone. Take care

In support

Simone x

MoominMama · Newbie

Thank you so much for your replies . Made me cry again ! Dont seem to be able handle people being nice to me right now but on the other hand I crave understanding, it just makes me emotional . So today was the 'hiya' (let's pretend I haven't called you a xxxxxxx xxxx and told you to xxxx off and been hideous to you for 2 days) text.., and then the 'so now you're ignoring me' text. I can't reply, I have no words. I can't listen to the ' it's all your fault' or even the half arsed apology or even the let's pretend nothing's happened and brush it under the carpet. So I say nothing. I will be in the wrong for this too, I am sure. Did anybody else feel scared or embarrassed about finding and going to a meeting? It's like if I do that it's real. This is where I am today. X

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Al-Anon Family Groups UK and Eire