The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The last few weeks, the only things that I could manage to do was 1) breathe; 2) sleep; 3) read and go to meetings; 4) go to work. At first I was hard on myself about this...why can't I do more, plan more, be more active? Start working out at the gym, do the laundry and the dishes, reorganize my bills so that I can start to be more fiscally savvy during this new time in my life?
It came to me during one of my late night baths. I've become quite fond of 2 a.m. baths, with water as hot as I can stand, because I am waking up with the chills so deep my bones are shaking. It's like my bone marrow has turned to ice. A hot bath seems to warm me up throughout my entire body and make my brain stop spinning.
While resting in the hot water, eyes closed, body soaking in the heat, I realized that I am only doing what I can do because I can only do what I can do.
I slept the best I had in weeks last night. Still up and moving a couple times to let the dog out and make myself some hot tea. I got out into the real world yesterday, hanging out with a friend whose teenage son was in a state sports tournament. It was so much fun to cheer him on - took the onus off me for a while. I admired his focus and watched closely to see what I could learn from him. Imagine that - learning something from a teenager!
Today, I feel like I am ready to take baby steps.
The cute little home that my AH and I own (although he is not living here at the moment) has cathedral ceilings, meeting at a point about 13 feet high in the middle in the main living area and in our master bedroom. In those spaces, we have arched windows - one over the front door and the other high up the wall in the bedroom.
When we first moved into the house almost five years ago, right after our wedding, we liked that the sun shined in those windows, lightening up the space. But over the last couple years, as he slipped into a place of darkness, we covered up those arched windows.
"We need to cover them because the glare bounces off the TV." "We need to cover them because it's too bright if we want to sleep in." "We need to cover them because maybe the neighbors in the two-story house next door can see in on us."
What I'm realizing now is that we enveloped our home from the light of day to hide, to cover up, to not let the light shine in on what was happening. We were living with the blinds closed, the windows drawn, the darkness invading our souls.
So today, I'm throwing off the sheets hanging over those windows. I'm opening up the blinds and the curtains to the light. And as I'm doing that I feel my soul beginning to open and move away from the dark places that it has been living.
I am gently removing my AH's belongings from the closets, from the bathroom drawers. I'm not throwing them carelessly into a box...just moving them to a closet in our spare bedroom. Carefully folding the t-shirts and shorts, gently hanging his favorite shirts and jeans. Moving his toiletries into a box. Just taking them out of my personal space.
I've got the bedlinens hanging out on the line, inhaling in the cool, late winter air and exhaling the darkness and the poison.
It's not that I am removing him from my life, as I am not ready to do that. I'm just moving it over for the time being so that I can breathe again. So I can make this space my own for NOW.
A lot of stuff in the house is half-done at this point...the sure sign of living with an alcoholic. Walls literally half-painted, stopping at the point where he would have had to go get a ladder. Baseboards and trim primered but not painted in the clean, crisp white that we thought would be lovely against the latte-colored walls.
One toilet in the house is working. The other has been broken for months. Carpets are half-cleaned, the backyard is half mowed and raked. There is a bracket on wall for our flat screen TV but yet it still sits on a stand and the bracket sits empty - the drawer that holds videos and DVDs has been broken and glued back in place. The garage has just enough space to park my car inside - the other half is filled with empty boxes, stacks of Christmas decorations, piles of tools.
I realized the other day in my AlAnon meeting that I deserve to live in a completed, clean and properly operating home. I don't know if it will have to be sold and I will have to move, or if he'll sign it over, or if we'll live here together again. But regardless of the situation I feel like I want to settle in, to nest and have a safe place. The house will need to be completed whether I stay here or not - so I've decided to do the things that need to be done that will not have an impact in a positive or negative way on the future.
The dog that is still here with me has found the "sunny spot"... he's drowsing in the warm light coming in through one of those arched windows. I can hear his little doggy snores. I feel like I want to do the same - soak the sunshine into my tired body, into my exhausted soul.
It does feel good to let the sun in!! Great growth!! Sending you love and support on your journey.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
What a lovely, beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. I can identify so much with your image of keeping the light out. I've been in the dark for a very long time, but am so grateful to my Alanon program for helping me to see a tiny pin prick of light again. Enjoy working on your house and making it beautiful and complete, just as it deserves to be.
For a person who is taught thru pictures that was so very appropriate for me...Mahalo Blondie. You paint a very beautiful picture. One of my homegroup fellows said today that he was thinking of leaving early because the cold wind was blowing the rain into the pravillion and chilling his body and that he was very glad that he stayed because near the end of the meeting the wind died, the rain stopped and the sun came out to clear skies and whispy clouds. I felt like he did and now I feel better. I love good picture cause that is how my HP speaks to me. (((((hugs)))))
