The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thought I would share something I have been learning about in regards to disfunctional relationships. Before I ran like hell from my alcoholic marriage, I was introduced to the theory ( or whatever you would call it) of the Distancer and the pursuer by a marriage counseled and I think it rings to true in an alcoholic marriage. The pursuer wants and needs more from the Distancer, the more they pursue, the more the Distancer withdraws. The underlying fear for the pursuer is abandonment. But also a fear of intimacy. And by pursuing a Distancer, get exactly what they want. The Distancer has an underlying fear of intimacy and will withdraw so as not to lose ones fragile sense of self to the other person. But the Distancer also has a fear of abandonment. In choosing a pursuer in a partner, this assures they will never be abandoned, because the pursuer doesn't give up! But, eventually the pursuer gets tired and does give up. ( took 12 years for me, but hey). When the Distancer doesn't hear footsteps behind him anymore he freaks ( fear of abandonment) and goes running back to the pursuer. Both thinking maybe this time it will work. Starting the sick cycle again. The only way these two types of people will heal is working On their intimacy issues. And especially for the pursuer to learn to give to themselves what they can't get from a partner. And a whole lot if self respect and esteem needs to be built up. This helped me understand my relationship more, hope u find it interesting and helpful.
OMgosh GG, hugs, .. I'm sooo glad you posted this because I know for me it's completely true and totally true of people who are unemotionally available. It's not just for alcoholics/addicts either. It's any dysfunctional relationship at its core or at least I should say .. that is always what has rung true for me. If I look back on all of the men I have picked vs the one's I didn't the core thing .. emotionally unavailable .. I'm also emotionally unavailable from being so hurt/damaged as I grew up.
I know without question that my STBAX is emotionally unavailable to me, his children, his family and so on. I think back on my part and I think hmm .. I'm not emotionally available as I'd like to be face to face .. on the boards it's different because I don't have to face someone's rejection so it's a safe place for me to hide away.
LOL .. I'm soooo glad you posted this truly, .. it gives me a great deal to think about.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Oh, of all the picture and paradigms I have heard, this one is the clearest and most simple! I applies as much to my own life and my own relationship. I think children provided for the need for [emotional] intimacy for a while. And i guess we passed the traits onto them.
I really suspect that in the middle of all this parts at least are healthy- I know for myself i suffered from such a lot of anxiety and anguish over being a parent. I know and embrace that here, in Alanon, we do co-operate with the professionals. And at its best we are in partnership with them.
Living outside of the USA I am aware too that there is a high awareness of all the new trends and issues in recovery. But Alanon just keeps on keeping on, and does what it does best.
Listening to you both- at least roun' here is is a non-pressure and non-threatening environment. a warm safe place and a place to practise, hopefuly what i preach...
Great share and perfect examples. It is clear why the alanon program works so well. We are asked to Focus on ourselves, connect with others, who are walking the same path in meetings, pray and build our self esteem by working the steps. Here we are neither distancing nor pursuing. We are discovering who we are being.
Greener, truer words were never spoken. This is me in a nutshell. I haven't seen/heard from my A in nearly two weeks (again) and was just sitting here wondering if maybe I should go see if he's ok. I'm not going to seek him out even though I REALLY want to, but I know no matter how much I miss and love him what I'll find when I do find him is a hot mess who'll suck the life out of me. Thank you for making things clearer for me. Peace and love to you.
I had to study this stuff in Grad school as part of group, marital, and family counseling class. You just hit upon the #1 dynamic that causes marital/relationship distress. It happens without one partner being alcoholic/addict, but if there is alcohol and addiction, it's always there. The researcher is Gottman. I copied some of his theories. Take in mind - none of the strategies to "fix" a relationship where this is going on are going to work that well when 1 person is an alcoholic. This is an underlying dynamic but the alcoholism has a life of it's own that would supercede work in marital therapy most of the time.
************************************ Used to the extreme, stonewalling is a way for one spouse to manipulate the other spouse into getting what they want. It is a dismissal of what is good for the marriage and both spouses in favor of what is good for the one spouse.
Men are more prone to stonewall in a relationship because they feel overwhelmed when a wife wants to talk feelings or discuss problems. We often hear men accuse their wives of nagging which, more often than not is in response to their stonewalling her and her need to discuss marital problems.
Not that women dont stonewall which results in as much damage but men, who are wired to withdraw and think about a problem, are more likely to use this avoidance tactic more often than women who are more open to communicating feelings and needs.
According to John Gottman, "A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, 'Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready,' and her husband replies, 'My plans are set, and I'm not changing them'. This guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well."
This is typically what happens, the wife nags, the husband becomes defensive and stonewalls by refusing to engage in communication over what the wife views as a problem in the marriage. The wife nags more, becomes angrier and more frustrated. As a result you have a husband who is angry because his wife is constantly nagging and a wife who is angry because her husband is constantly stonewalling.
Not only does stonewalling damage the marital relationship it is harmful to each spouse physiologically. Men who suppress their emotions and refuse to engage in communication can experience health problems with the autonomic nervous system and heart. In reaction to her husbands stonewalling the level of stress a wife feels can cause her to suffer the same health problems PLUS anxiety disorders and depression.
The key to reducing stonewalling in a relationship doesnt lie with the spouse who tends to do the stonewalling. It is the wife, the nagging wife who holds the key. Bet you didnt expect that did you?
When a man is criticized he feels his wife views him as the bad guy. The fastest way to get a man to shut down is the give him the impression you think he has done or is doing something bad. If a wife wants to have influence over her husband she needs to learn to communicate without putting him on the defensive.
If you are a wife reading this and hoping to find a way to get him to stop folding his arms and huffing every time you attempt to communicate a problem, these five tips for effective communication by Deborah Spring Laurel is a good starting point.
If you are a husband who is tired of a nagging wife show her this article and both of you work on building new communication skills in the marriage.
Disengage: When we disengage, we set aside differences temporarily, while we remain willing to address them at a later time. It involves taking time to reflect, reduce the tension, and let our emotions settle.
Empathize: To empathize is to put ourselves figuratively in the other person's place. That very act will help squelch defensiveness because we acknowledge what the other person is feeling.
Inquire: When we inquire, we uncover the concerns of the other person. Asking questions allows us to focus on our task rather than our disagreement. After we inquire, we need to listen carefully, giving the other person our complete attention.
Disclose: When we disclose, we reveal our feelings, needs and goals to the other person. We can do this with "I statements" that describe our emotions, the precipitating event, and its tangible impact. Depersonalize: When we depersonalize, we evaluate behavior rather than the person, and we look at our work as something we do rather than what we are. This allows us to free ourselves and others from the need to respond defensively.
Thanks GG, I read Gottman's books and a few others on communication problems in marriage. This is huge for me and I am working hard at revealing where my own part is in all of this. I know I have emotional unavailability issues, too, and it's important for both parties in a marriage to work on their sides of the street.
Pinkchip shared something very important and it's been an ongoing theme in my marriage. AH says I am not a nag, though, but that's because I don't ask him to do anything. I stopped asking him to do stuff for me or help me out when he kept stonewalling me or giving me the silent treatment or getting passive aggressive in some other way. His snarky comments or bullying tactics pretty much proved to me that he didn't want to be influenced by me nor anybody, really. It's one of his defense mechanisms because of his own intimacy and trust issues. He learned very early on that you don't trust anybody but yourself and that's it. Life is definitely interesting between 2 damaged people but I'm determined to unearth and own my inequities and make amends for them as best as I can. I no longer want to live like that.
