The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some of you might remember me and my ' story'. I haven't been posting the last weeks much, I was trying to live out the things that I learned here in Al Anon. I left my 'dry' A in January, then built myself a quite good self-care program, and things seemed to get back on track. I was finally feeling like getting somewhere and growing.
At the same time my ex A decided to go to the gym, getting 'cleaned up', eating healthy and concentrating on work more...but he doesn't follow any AA program or something that gets him better mentally or spiritually. He basically copies and pastes what I have repeated him about my own life philosophy and what I learned here in Al Anon. But he was in better shape, and we hadn't seen eachother in a month, when I finally ended up picking up his call again. a lot of verbal abuse in the meanwhile. anyhow, i somewhat WANTED to believe that things could change, that things HAD changed. We met , and he looked so well physically, and he seemed like talking 'healthy'. Or did I just saw what i wanted to believe. Oh I'm so confused today...I am back in the madness, in the merry-go round..and its my own fault!!
For 1 week he acted really sweet and I thaught I should give him a chance, one more time. I am so codependently sick , it's scary, I'm afraid to be myself nowadays.
Last week even, sweet guy...but yes still very self-centered, and talking about him him him...i couldn't deny. But still , i decided to move on, and let 'happiness' in.
Until this week, where I got sick. very sick, 104 ° fever, lying in bed for 6 days. he didn't come to see me, we just talked on the phone, and he seemed almost 'happy' that I'm sick. You see, I'm a quite adventurous woman, have travelled a lot and am usually living an independent life (if not in a relationship). I have many good friends all over the world, and i am quite open and social. He hates that about me, and so, whenever I have a bad or low day, or feeling sad for something or sick...isntead of giving me support, he gives me a big happy smile, of someone that is not caring, like happy that I finally feel bad about life...so he can feel better.
and this is why I faught to have me back , i just realized. I have let myself set up, and let myself use and abuse, for somebody with very low self esteem.
so 2 days ago he came to see me, still not nice, actually very rude attitude, showing me no respect at all, very selfish and arrogant. something felt terribly wrong. he left the house to go for a walk, and forgot his phone. Yes, i checked it, there have been so many misteries going on, I had the feeling something was not straight. and I checked the phone, and I found it all out. He has saved me under a boys name, and has tons of messages and calls in another boys name. That name that calls him day and night when we are together, and where he claims it's a working colleague for some important stuff. well I called that number, because there was one message saying, 'i love you so much'...and it was a girl...a girl who tells me that they are in a relationship for the last 8 years. We are together for 1 year. she has always existed , always been there when i haven't. and I let myself call a f* b*, a selfish , cold-hearted, egocentric person...and what else...
I have let myself treated so badly from that person who lives a double or a triple life, whose whole life is a lie. But I helped him clean up, he even told me in an email yesterday that he learned all he need to know from me, to lead a happy clean life, that he is shining and that it is time to step out of my shadow out into the light. He set up his own fairytale story, telling me that he has always been loved by that girl and that he deserves to be loved like that.
Wow, anyway, a whole big story with so many distorted details that it is scary to write them all down. and it's hard for my friends to believe me now. Because I let myself hurt onece during Cristmas, and that can happen. But i went back for a second round, again only to let myself get burned severely. I cannot blame him this tie, I was naive enough to believe that people can change, that people have a good part taht it is worth believing in. I wanted to trust, i wanted to hope.
well all is gone today, I lost all trust , all loving feeling, towards myself and others. I feel hate, so much hate, and I wish bad, so much bad. I feel stupid, i am crying,drowning in self-pity again, i let myself abuse so much, i feel I am the crap he describes me to be. Why do I give other people so much power?
please help me, where to start over. when all is gone, he stole my self-care, and i even gave my self-love away. how can i trust myself ever again?? I am so sick so sick so sick!!!!!!
When I look back at the terrible decisions I've made, I realize that one part of me knew that things were dubious all along. I am guessing that part of you knew that he was unreliable, even if you didn't know exactly how or how badly. But the good thing is that I'm betting that sense was there already. Sometimes we ignore that sense, sometimes we override it because our hopes and needs are so strong. (It's legitimate to have needs -- just not helpful to go to the wrong place to fill them.) But I bet taking more heed of that voice will keep you safe in the future. Take good care.
Tortuga...ours is a progress program and saying that I have to add it has never been about perfection. I remember doing the very same thing not once but in several relationships all with addicts, alcoholics and alcoholic addicts. Duh I finally arrived at "You know Jerry you pick the very worse characters to try to have a long term relationship with" and I was right!! so I started working this program...fell down...got back up...threw mind blowing tantrums including calling my HP out and using the worse of language to call HP out and recovery kept moving forward. My HP let me yell and swear at HP and immediately gave me the simplest of answers which I would have never recognized if they were not so focused on the right solutions. Go do a tantrum...do a good one....hop up and down; shake your fist at God; yell and scream (make sure not to disturb the peace of the community too much" and get your 30 seconds worth...anylonger and it might cause some body damage. Then take a deep breath and get quiet and listen with your eyes and ears. Keep moving forward. Alcoholism is what it is...expect it to be what it is and you will never be surprised...expect it to be what it isn't and it will always blow you away.
Yes jerry , Alcoholism is what it it...but this guy is not active drinking anymore....i cannot blame all on the alcohol , can I. He changed, and says he wants to live a healthy life now....he found that out thanks to me and living by my side. Now that he found 'the receipe', he can drop me like peace of crap. I just dodn't understand why he faught so badly 1 month ago to get me back, if it was only to let me fall into the mud again. and my most serious concern: why do i judge my own feeling so poorly?? (yes, Mattie, I had that feeling something was wrong, i had that feeling that I was making a bad move...but STill did it.)am just a little bit scared of myself right now. What if I am really the sickest of us both? that's the scary thought!...like: will I ever be having a normal peaceful life? I am fighting to get my hope back right now....
I'm so sorry you've been hurt. I think that everything has a purpose and finding out that your A has been having a relationship elsewhere for a long time could well be the lesson that you needed to change your thinking about him. Under the circumstances it is pretty ok to be angry and upset.
You know he hasn't got the recipe - but perhaps you have!
And yes, why do you judge your own feeling so badly? You deserve to trust yourself more and you can you know. You have said that you deserve better - I just glanced at the picture on your avitar and it occurred to me that you have every justification to go jump and punch the sky. And then I really really hope you jump for joy - I think you might be touching some freedom here. Go well and with love.
Tortuga, if I could I would give you a big cuddle. You have had a blip. Dont be so hard on yourself. You gave a sick person another chance and he blew it. Were learning here and part of learning is making mistakes. I think you are in a good position to really use your recovery for this situation. This guy sounds like a complete w***** and you sound so much better than that. He does not even have the balls to get his own program. I truly believe you have had a lucky escape here. Your HP is sending you a clear message you will have much better than anything he could offer you.x
There is no question that he is a conniver and a liar, but you can't take all the blame on that on yourself. Let him have the blame, where it belongs. People should be able to trust other people and if other people are deceivers, the fault is theirs. Obviously we all have to make good efforts to protect ourselves. But don't feel as if "you're the sick one" or anything like that. He is very sick. He may not be drinking right now but he has all the terrible strategies of someone who can't face life honestly. He is triangulating women -- I mean he can't be in an honest relationship with just one -- meaning he can't relate to someone authentically. You, on the other hand, are dealing in real feelings and facing the real truth. You have acknowledged that something is wrong, that things hurt, and that changes have to happen. That is what is crucial before changes do happen. If he ever gets to that place of authenticity is in doubt. But you are there. Unfortunately the people who will do anything to avoid feeling difficult feelings then pass them on to the rest of us. But I hope you can put the blame where it belongs and move on to take good care of yourself. Hugs.
You are hurting so much right now. When I have an encounter with a crazy person, it just disorients me, because it is so strange and foreign to the way we think and operate. Prolong that encounter by a year, and it can seriously distort one's thinking.
As I was reading your post, I thought of the quote from the Bible: You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. Maybe all of this is what it takes to finally set you free from this person.
I would hope for you that you don't continue to punish yourself because somebody else has treated you badly. And I identify with the instinct--I tend to do that myself. I really have to talk to myself that just because somebody else is sick and abusive does not reflect on me. This man is sadistic, may be a Sociopath, and they can manipulate like crazy. May you look back and soon on how lucky you are to have found out only one year in. That other poor woman is being victimized 8 years later. Brrrr.
Perhaps after a not so long period of grief and pain, you will reconnect with your great friends and remember the vibrant, adventuresome, strong person you are and get back to that space.
Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Be kind to yourself. Imagine what you would tell one of us in the same situation. Seems we are kinder to others than we are to ourselves. I don't believe that he is done with you. I am willing to bet that he will be back but you can be ready and wiser this time around. And think about it - if he had such a great thing with this other woman for 8 years, why was he with you?
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
