When I became willing to simply hold on, work the steps, spend time with others in recovery, not allow my dis-EASE to separate me and isolate me, and started to beg for some relief from a God I surely DIDN'T understand... the pain lessened a little bit, and I was able to move through whatever the source of my discontent was and get on with the rest of life.  A lot of people tend to think that "we were restless, irritable and discontent" means while we (or "they") were drinking.  Not so, its after we enter the recovery process. and don't know what the heck to do with ourselves, feel like we have stepped onto a unknown planet, feeling stuff that we use to sedate with alcohol, temper tanterums, anger, depression, anything that we could throw at it to block us from the real emotional message we were getting, and in the absince of real change are experiencing a lot of the same ramifications now that we did before recovery began...because we havent' learned how to properly bring things to a place of simplicity in our lives.  We are still moved by drama, crisis, chaos, confusion.... we don't accept the things we cannot change, and we dont' yet have the courage to change the things we can... and very crucial is knowing the difference, so we can respond to life events accordingly, in a manner that allows us to face the struggles that normal people face every day, without personalizing it as being all about ME... as though I was the only one that was going through these things and feelings in life.

I had a repeatous problem after I entered recovery ... it didn't change just because I wasn't drinking or "they" weren't drinking.  I didn't feel like I was able or responsible to do anything about it.  I tried, I tried hard to fix it all, I did everything I could and then some, and got little to no relief.  I was getting pretty pissed about it all, and finally told my sponsor about it.  He asked me... have you worked steps 6&7 on it yet?" I replied, "well of coursse I have!!"  He smiled and said, so then whats the problem??"  I started to go back through the whole senerio again, and he stopped me.  "if you are admitting you are entirely ready to have God take care of this, and you have humbly asked him to... the reason nothing is changing is because you won't get the hell out of His way so he can do what He does!  You need to turn it over, let it go... stop mingling in it... stop giving it all your time and energy, breath, relax and know that its being taken care of in the background and move on to something YOU can do something about! Now, stop all your whinning and go find a newcomer to help!"

I did what he said, and that problem seems to have just melted... it is no longer there, nagging me, eating my lunch, trying to justify my next drink or attack of insane behaviors.   I am grateful today...even though my life is kinda sucking... have you read my post "Can't get a break"?  Man, nothing is going my way lately!  

I tell people often... I would not wish my life on anyone, not even my enemies, but I wouldn't want to trade it for any one elses either.  It's okay to be me and be where I am, and its okay to seek out the change I want to see unfold in my life.  

A well known AA speaker says... the Big Book tells me that nothing out here (moves his hand in front of the group) has to change for me to get better in here... and he pats his chest gently.  The wife doesn't need to come back, the kid doesn't need to get sober, the job doesn't need to treat me better, the money doesn't have to be just so... nothing out here... around me externally has to change... for me to get better inside.  If I am willing to do the work that the inside job takes."

Today I am simply willing to Let Go... Let God... and enjoy the day. 

John