The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The only people that succeed in staying sober after rehab are ones that follow it up with daily AA meetings. The recommendation is to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. He will ideally get a sponsor and start working the steps and the obsession to drink may be lifted. He will ideally be surrounded and accountable to folks in AA, especially his sponsor (if he does it right) and there will be no need for him to have you monitor his recovery. If he REALLY wants it, he will do all of this just to be free from being a slave to alcohol.
There is little you can do to get him to that point of willingness. The touchstone of recovery usually involves serious pain, discomfort, trips to the hospital, jail.... This is not always the case, but often it is. Many times, the alcoholic will enter recovery right after getting dumped by their spouse or partner. Whether you reach that point or not is up to you and it's not a simple decision. Alanon will recommend to detach and focus on you. You have been through some serious trauma with his drinking and the damage it has caused. It is basically like watching a slow trainwreck, knowing it was happening, trying a million different things to stop it, and then the trainwreck occurs anyhow, again and again. That is seriously traumatic to be part of in any way. Hence, Alanon will be a place for you to be around others that understand, to heal some from the damage done, and to stop the frantic efforts and thoughts about "how do I help him?" instead of "How do I help me?"
He either will or will not commit himself to AA. You can model recovery through your alanon participation and that might attract him back to recovery. No guarantees of course.
I used to be a fall down stumbling drunk and for me the lifestyle change and spiritual shift that occurred in AA was the only thing that ever was able to help me obtain longterm sobriety (over 4 and a half years now). In retrospect I kind of know how and why it worked. The way to deal with addictions is not to "go on the wagon" or just "go to rehab" and stay stopped. You have to surrender your old way of life and your old ideas and form new ones. I am sure they told him all this in rehab as well as recommended a lifetime of AA, but he chose to ignore that.
I still go to 4 or 5 meetings a week. I enjoy them because AA has given me my life back and it's not a sacrifice. At first, totally surrendering to AA was a scary proposition but when I was really ready, it was a no brainer. It sure beats the prior way I was living. I have a better relationship (a different one), a better job, quit smoking also, lost weight, started exercising.... That is my happy ending, so if I can do it, so can he. Unfortunately, you cannot make him ready for it. I had to leave a relationship with another alcoholic to get sober AND for the first 2 years of sobriety, I surrounded myself in an AA bubble and didn't venture much out. When I went on a trip at 7 months sober, I researched the AA meetings there and went. I stayed in contact with my sponsor... I wouldn't have gone on a trip with a bunch of guys that I knew were gonna be drinking. I would have planned on being around at least one other sober person. I would have had escape routes. I would have just left or bought a ticket home if it got that bad. In sum, I would have put my recovery first. AA teaches that - not rehab....Just like alanon teaches you your own set of lifesaving and sanity saving skills. Again, not a big sacrifice. It's actually fun to go to AA meetings around the country. Presumably it's the same with alanon. My point is, to get to where I am at now, he would have to do what I did - not just go to a 30 day rehab and come out better. Getting sober takes months/years and staying sober takes constant vigilance and continued AA involvment (in my experience).
So - while I'm much more informed and experienced about AA, I've seen what alanon can do and the miracles that exist here as well. I would encourage you to give it your all.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 16th of February 2013 04:31:25 PM
My AH went to Schick Shadle a year and 3 months ago it was truely the first time in a long time I felt like I could breathe it did not cure all of our problems but gave us both hope. Neither of us did any follow through besides his scheduled visit however long after he checked out. We just assumed that it would fix us both. 8 months later within his first minutes away from us (Myself and our two year old and 1 year old at the time) for his first time the question was asked by a flight attendant what would you like to drink. As if there was no time between his last drink and that one the flood gates were opened and I almost lost him on that trip he took to Idaho with friends as he proceeded to drink and drive a 4 wheeler off a cliff. I knew that he was not ready to go and he knew as well but I knew that I couldn't be there for every second of the rest of his life to make sure that that day wouldn't come. He returned home after a week and a half and did not drink. Slowly in the last month I knew it was coming all the cue's everything was there. Day after day he would arrive home from his winter sports and smell like alcohol. To my suprise not drunk but alcohol on his breathe. Until last week he chose to order a drink right infront of me and continue to drink until he was unable to anymore. It is amazing how much every emotion every thing you ever felt every memory all flow back thru your blood. He has basically every trait you read about an alcoholic very self centered as the world does revolve around him. My question is this if I Love my husband but no longer am in love with him and feel like there is never an end in site is it better for me, for my children, and for him to pull the broken record off the recorder and put it on the shelf? Or is there anyone out there that has been able to find the miracle in this all and live happily ever after with your family as a whole. Like I said in my Bio Im a newbie to Al-Anon and am in need of any advice or guidance someone can give me. How do I with out interfering or acting like his "MOM" help him from making the decision to put himself in these situations that we both know he is not strong enough to say no. Im weak and so don't have the energy to deal with what may or may not walk through the door this morning.
Hi determined. I am sorry you are going through this. You have came to the right place. People on this forum have all been where you are. I left my alcoholic after 20yrs and 3 children. I realised I was deeply effected and I attend alanon face to face meetings. I have been for nearly a yr now. I feel much better, I understand the disease and its affects much more and I'm learning to live again. There are people who live happy or content lives with their alcoholic partners but they need a strong spiritual program. Everyone is different and if you find the program it won't take too long for you to know what to do.x
Welcome Determind, you've come to a good place and will find lots of experience and understanding amongst the good folks here. Keep coming back, learn as much as you can and listen to your instincts. It is so important to look after yourself I think and only you know what is right for you. I'm so sorry that you and your AH are going through this, it is so difficult. I have met people who have an amazing relationship despite their shared years of coping with the effects of alcohol on their lives. I know from my own mistakes that you are quite right to want to avoid being his mom. He does have to decide for himself. I have also learnt that it does not help either of us at all if I accept behaviour that is disrespectful to me and our relationship. The world does not need to revolve around my AH and sometimes it is a good thing to be weak and to decide not to deal with his issues at all - it is for him to decide how he behaves and for me to decide what I find tolerable. We are trying to find our miracle, it is not easy, but this place helps a lot. Keep coming back.
I hope you will keep coming back here and also find face to face meetings in your area. You are not alone in the struggles of do I stay .. do I go questions. I was told when I came into alanon not to make and big decisions for at least 6 months. It gives time for you to decide what is best for you and be supported while doing it. 6 months is a long time for you to change your mind, your behavior and even beliefs.
Is it easy? No. Is there such thing as a fairytale ending? Only in the books I read. Life is so much richer than just that, no ones path to recovery is a straight line on either side. I can remember how angry I was to hear that I was sick too. The affects of alcoholism had made me unreasonable and irritable .. lol .. I was not happy about that .. after all I wasn't the one who was getting DUI's and in fights. I was the one holding the family together making all the tough decisions and so on. My reality is that my thinking was just as messed up as his was however I didn't get there with alcohol and I didn't get there alone, or over night. It happened very gradually.
So is he going to get sober and stay sober? I don't know, can't answer that one outside to say without a program of recovery .. his chances are slim. The better question is are you going to recover and choose a happy life regardless of if your AH is drinking or not? When I'm ok my kids are ok. Yes, there are beautiful sucess stories .. there are also the marriages that don't make it. Mine was one of them. At least towards the end of my marriage I really was happier than I had been in a long time. I did need the distance to make bigger changes in my life and I still struggle a bit with my own character defects that have nothing to do with my STBAX.
There is a really great movie out on DVD that if you get a chance to just sit and watch it, .. def not kid friendly, very real in terms of addiction and what it does, it's being outside watching without the emotional attachment .. watch Flight with D. Washington in it. It gives a very clear description of how powerless someone is over alcohol and the others who try to help him, how powerless they are and the depths of how low someone has to go to reach up for help.
The other recommendation I have is Toby Rice Drew books Getting Them Sober, Vol 1 - 4. They are short reads with LOTS of great information and they are re-read books. Each time I find I get more information out of them.
Most of all, take care of you because you deserve it and you are worth it. You deserve to be happy and healthy regardless of what the A in your life is doing. You aren't his mom and you aren't his higher power either.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Wow! Thanks so much for all of your words of wisdom. I am going to seek face to face meetings. I think I am finally in the place in this mess that I know that I have to take care of me. I see it in my 3 year old son even if I try to hide as much of it as possible from him he has this since that something is wrong with mama and becomes very attached to me. It was the worse when I was pregnant with him and between the ages of newborn and 1 1/2. I know that for my health I need to get help as well. I will read those books and watch the movie. Husband walked in and I gotta go.
Pinkchip,
Thank you!
I think that the key is that you were wanting your sobriety and I think I need to let him make that decision this time. I will try helpIng myself this time and see if helping me helps us. Thank you all I have read everything you all have said multiple times today and it has been very encouraging Ecspecially when I feel so much like bringing on our normal fight I'm not I'm choosing to let him do what he chooses today and I am cuddling with my babies and reading up on how to help me.
Much love,
K
(((hugs))) I am sorry things are rough right now, but trust that they will get better... they means "you".
Not really related but your post made me remember a man who while drinking, decided he wanted to get sober again. He called about coming into the Miracles In Progress Recovery House. He lived in Athens, Georgia. My recovery home is in Wilmington, NC. I made arrangements to get him into detox as soon as he arrived. He went to Amtrac train station and brought a ticket. To "Wilmington".
Wilmington, NC doesn't have Amtrac... so they assumed he meant Wilmington, Delaware, that does have a Amtrac station, and thats where he ended up. He didn't even know it... he called upon the train stopping in Wilmington, Delaware saying he was ready to be picked up at the station.
It took another two days to get him to Wilmington, NC. He has been sober now for over 4 years.
He called me recently to just say hello... and I didn't recognize his voice. I asked who it was and his reply was "Delaware". We both laughed.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I love those miracle stories John...program is full of those miracles which give alot of help for others who get lost at times and struggle before finding the right door. (((hugs)))
