The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I read it every moring and I see my self. I can identify with the different states. Things repressed come back too. It stirs me up in a way. I make myself come back. I am so grateful for all those brave enough to share.
I feel like my inner mechanics are crunching, grinding, bursting. I feel like the ground I stand on is crumbling benighth my feet. I am barely able to speak. I recall a line in a movie I saw, one of the lord of the rings flicks, where companions are under ground and come upon a body of water. One of the little guys moves to playfully skip rocks on it or something, and the tall old guy grabs him and emphatically warns "Do NOT disturb the water". Gastly creatures lurk there. whoops!
I feel the truths of my self, cast into the deep. Forgotten, abandoned. I have know idea who I even am anymore. As a result, I am unable to utter a substancial word to my ah to explain my self, to sound what is needed. Unable to pretend in the most primal ways to want him near me. Not even to save myself from his wrath.
And I can identify with that. For a while after breaking up with my ex-A I didn't know what I liked or what I was about. It was compounded by my own alcoholism also. Hence, it was either all about him, or all about alcohol either way.
My standard answer to "What do you want to do?" was "I dunno. Whatever you want." When I started dating again, I had a hard time with answering questsions like "So what do you like?" If I thought the person was good looking my answer would be "Um...you." or otherwise some standard BS that I didn't really feel. At that point I only knew I liked going to 12 step meetings lol.
It's sort of painful to realize you lost yourself, but it's not all bad getting yourself back. Its a spiritual journey. It's work, but it's worth it.
In the deep slimy water, you will find your greatest treasures. Let this board be the hands to hold as you courageously go down into the muck. Hugs to you Paula
Dear Mary This message is filled with clarity and wisdom Stay close to program,stay focused on yourself , trusting HP. pray, and know that this too will pass.
Hi Mary, One thing you are is very eloquent. Thank you for your very brave and beautiful post. You will find lots of support and friendship. No need to explain to us. Take care and come back often.
