Handling lies and resulting anger - Al-Anon Family Group

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Handling lies and resulting anger

scaredandconfused · Veteran Member

The lying is so frustrating. My husband lies about everything. He lies about big things but also little things that there is no reason to lie about. When I think back at some of the crazy stories he has told me in the past ten years I really question what made me stay with him for so long. I've never decided whether or not I think he believes hishis own lies. Sometimes the lies just infuriate me. Sometimes I just feel sorry for him.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Greetings Ilovedogs,

Your message makes lots of sense I'm afraid - I can completely relate to so much that you have said here and thank you for expressing my own feelings so eloquently.

For me the lies are not acceptable. (the full stop is important in that sentence )

I feel insulted when someone tries to protect themselves with a lie. But I also recognise that is all it usually is, self protection. I think my AH has lied to me plenty, but I suspect that he has lied to himself even more. It still hurts me though.

And (hey ho!) I have done it too. I have often focused on xyz problem rather than look at what is really going on. I have chosen to believe the ridiculous. I have kept the tightest possible grip on my rose tinted glasses, telling myself that I am a better person by believing in the best and ignoring the rest. I think you understand.

It has been really uncomfortable for me to realise that being a happy, outgoing optimist does not necessarily make me the best person for all circumstances! It is tough trying to redefine my own self image and it is not at all surprising that I fight the process from time to time. It is my minds way of accepting what it can cope with at the time I guess. I still want to be an optimist, I still want to believe in good things, but I am learning that realism is useful too. I'm a toddler in this regard!

I totally relate to the difficulty of being emotionally intimate with someone who you feel has lied to you and I think that I am arriving at a place where I can accept this as just the way I am. I am coming to a point where I will call a lie when I think I see it. A few times recently I have simply said to AH 'I'm sorry, I don't believe you' and simply left it there. It helps I think.

With time and love and honesty I pray that my trust will return. In the meantime I am thankful for this new layer of self awareness as well, it might serve me well in the future.

I think that our feelings could be quite normal and sensible on this one!

-- Edited by milkwood on Friday 15th of February 2013 08:11:37 AM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sweet one, It's hard not to feel betrayed when anyone lies. How can we be on any kind of level with a spouse who lies?

Of course you are affected by it! This is where it stands, we either learn to live with it in serenity, or we keep it as is and be miserable or we separate. Same ole simple al anon thing.

Addicts simply have a different brain than we do. On top of that they are pickled if they drink and drug induced with other drugs they use.

They believe their own lies, it's a type of brain damage. I too feel sorry for them, as they don't even know how insane they are.My ex AH floored me with stuff. OH I have not drank in many months, um ok didn't you just get another dui R??? He could not answer.

But this is about you. Maybe you are telling yourself I cannot ignore the lies, I cannot rationalyze them away,I cannot live like this anymore. there are simply some things we as non A's may not be able to live with.I refused to live with the abuse, that was when I had, had it. The rest was ez as I knew he was very, very sick.

Sometimes our inner self starts screaming out, I am done, I do not want to live like this anymore, then it hits us, wow I am done and did not realize it. I plain cannot take it anymore.

I believe this can happen with many things. I had a dog puppy I took in. huge had been neglected. I worked for months with him to not be aggressive. the stress was so much but I kept going. then it hit me, he is going to kill somebody. I came to the full realization I was done. It hurt like heck to put him down,but my own heart led me here and I listened.

we cannot rationalize everything. honey you are sick! The disease is making you nuts. there is no what is making me do this,it just is.

Anger is a very real feeling, normal. Lots of anger is from frustration. Look at what you are trying to deal with, its a problem with no cure. You cannot change it no matter what you do, but you live with it. I think anyone would be angry.

You are still you. I am telling you it is the disease making you sick. Plus our spouse/mate is suppose to be our mirror. They help us by saying what they see, complimenting, supporting etc. With an A there is none of that.

I am involved seriously with a very non A kiddo and I am telling you it is no comparison to an A. none. Its like fresh mountain stream water, I kid you not.

we do not remember how life can be until we live with out the A. Even lonely is better than living with most a's.

MY experience. Hey be glad this makes ya nuts. If it didn't I would be more concerned! love,debilyn

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

Thank you for your post. I too am finding myself at the same point. I'm finding myself....finally after all these years. One thing, living with a beloved A is truly an eye opener. It tests your sanity on a daily basis. Personally, it made me a stronger person. After years of feeling that I needed a relationship to make my life complete, I met my better half. In so many ways, he's complements me, even on a spiritual level, which I had never felt before. But the sad truth is, he is ill. I cannot depend on him. I live my daily life in worry. I'm worrying about what he is doing, how much he will drink, how he will act, how hostile/agressive he will get. Then I begin resenting him, even before I leave work and see him at home. If he's not home, I worry about where he is and how much beer he will buy, what kind of beer he will buy (each kind affects him differently) and if he's already drunk. On my days off I worry if he will awaken angry, or irritable, or if my moving around will wake him up and anger him; because then he'll start drinking earlier and the day will go badly. Then, I worry about my resentment, worry that I'm a terrible person. In the past 18 months, I've been tested this way daily. I've suffered and in the same token, I've discovered my own strength that I never knew I had. So, I ask myself if it's worth it? Looking back, I'm actually in a strange way thankful for this learning experience. The question remains, however, whether or not I'll continue on this path or take a different route from here. I'm sort of preparing for another direction, but it's breaking my heart when I think of no longer sharing a life with this person.

Good luck and best wishes on your personal journey:)

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I can back off from the lies because my son doesn't live with me. I pray for those that have to live with it day in and day out.

But, I used to confront him about almost everything that he lied about and it would become a crisis before all was said and done. No more....nothing do I say trying to get him to understand what he did, said, didn't do or DID do. I listen and then move on.

He always told me the curb ( or something ) just jumped out in front of him when he was riding his bike and that's why his face is a mess from the fall. Before I would say it's because your drunk........no no no he would say. I would say.....you ride just fine if you aren't drinking and how can a man like you fall SO MUCH on that bike. I'm 60+ and can ride a bike without falling all the time. Then the back and forth would start.

Now I just say I'm sorry, or OK, or whatever...I'm sure you can straighten it out, or you can clean it up, or you can maybe find where you put it or NO I don't go there anymore....Never do I say your wrong, your lying or I'm always right

He has discovered I'm not doing one thing to let him know he's lying to me ( but he knows :) . In fact he called and told me ( first ever ) he pawned the Kindle I gave him because he didn't have any money. Yeah I know he spent it on liquor but he will never hear it come out of my mouth. I just said I'm sorry.....maybe you will be able to get it back.

He knows my boundaries.....about alcohol and his disease.

I won't ask him if he's drinking and if I know he's drinking I just walk away.

Someday he will get the message.....the light bulb will go off (ON)edit....and if it doesn't....that's his loss.

I will love him, accept him for who he is at this moment. But I will never fight that disease again. It's not worth my peace and serenity.

I can give you many stories but I would be here all day lol

Take care and hopefully you will find some peace and trust someday

((( hugs )))

-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Friday 15th of February 2013 04:33:18 PM

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

ILD --

For me, the lies were what I couldn't tolerate or accept. I can deal with anything...if I know the truth...and I never did. I knew then that lying was part of the disease...but no amount of program could help with live with it.

My kids and I needed sanity, and my exA was not able to be sane. I had to cut our losses...and though life is tough for me as a single parent...it is MUCH more predictable.

Try not to take the lies personally...sometimes it helps to look at them as another symptom of the disease...just like the drinking and hiding bottles and receipts...but you don't have to accept this in your life if it is unacceptable to you...but only YOU can decide....for me...I had to get out of the day to day madness. I still have to interact with my ex...but he has very little power in my life anymore...for me, it is much easier to detach when he no longer has access to decisions, finances, etc. Life is SO much better with out that unpredictability.

God bless you and keep you...I'm sending good juju

RP

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for the replies. I love coming here and knowing that I'm not alone. I went to a great F2F meeting last night and I totally needed it!

Debilyn, thanks so much for your words of support! You knew exactly what to say to make me feel better in this situation. What really drives me crazy is that AH has been 'normal' around the house lately. Helping with the family stuff, taking care of the dog and our son, coming along when we go for walks, etc. He's making an effort to get off the couch and get things done, etc. So, on one hand I see him making an effort. Then we go to marriage counseling and I hear the lies. Now, at home, I know the lies are there. I know that if I confront him I will get the lies but in that room with the counselor I am shocked AGAIN at how easily AH can rip off a lie. It's effortless to him. I think what bugs me the most is that each time I hear what I know to be lies, I am shocked that the truth is not coming out. I mean, why lie about something that sounds so absurd? Does he really think we believe him when he says he blew a .08 from drinking lemonade? Seriously??? And, that is where my frustration comes in!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know if you have seen the movie Flight? It's new and it's pretty graphic in terms of how an A lies and at what cost to himself and those around them. I really loved that movie and highly recommend it. It's not for kids even 13 or 14 I don't think.

Hugs P :)

Sending lots of love and support your way my friend :)

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

It is when I accepted I had been conned for 20 some years that I had the strength to ask my AH to leave. He left because he knew the gig was up. He opted to enter into recovery, but it was not until I trusted that it was not just another con, did I welcome him home. For us, this experience worked.

Keep getting help for yourself so that you can become sane and strong to make whatever choice you need to make. Hugs..
Paula

NCSUgeology · Veteran Member

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I dealt with lies from my brother, and now dealing with lies from my cousin. Both have leaned on me hard during their battle with beer. I have gone out of my way for both in numerous ways. All I get is lies from both on them.

I'm done with both of them.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, I just have to say that you've grown so much in the past few months.

I have to laugh at the bike story, because it rings a bell to me too. My AH rides his mountain bike on our tough AZ terrain frequently. I came from a few days in Tucson to find him battered and bruised. His head had a gash on it that probably needed stitches, his legs were all cut up, knuckles had no skin, etc. He told me he fell on the street and that he was wearing a helmet. I laughed because there was no way he had that bump and that gash on his head that way. He's a good biker and has only ever had 1 bad fall and that was on the mountain when he was picking his way over boulders and he went too slow and fell over into some a cactus. He seriously thinks everyone believes his story. I also know that he tried to start his ignition interlock car sometime that week. Hmm, coincidence? Doubtful, LOL! Anyway, I haven't said anything either. What's the point? I already figured out the truth because of how he changes the subject or avoids it altogether, I don't need to hear the lies or excuses anymore.

Oh,and Pushka, no I haven't seen the movie but I heard about it from others. There's also a Will Farrell movie where he plays an alcoholic who loses everything and ends up on his lawn with just his stuff because of his drinking problems. Haven't seen that one either.

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

Last night wasn't a good night. I think it's the fact that I still had hopes for a breakthrough and that a romantic evening would begin when I got home from work. Even knowing the truth, I find myself wanting to believe the lies. Lies like ABF usually starts spouting around the same time that the second beer is cracked open. He'll usually say that he hasn't been feeling good for "the past few weeks." But that he's "happier now than he's ever been,"and can't wait until he gets a better job so he can make me happy by buying me stuff. And so, the routine begins, the same scene from the same tired play. Then usually later that night the binge continues until he gets very drunk and agressive, has problems with my "attitude (leaving the room, watching a movie by myself)" then stays up until mid-morning, then passes out for the rest of the day until the evening. After that, he's hung over and says he wants to stop drinking and wants my help. He never says how he wants my help when I ask how he would like me to help. Then he needs a beer to help the hangover, with clamato juice. Oh, the smell in the house. My house smells like a dive. He now hides his beers from me, I guess he thinks I don't know where he has them.

ntxalanon · Veteran Member

If you are married to an alchoholic, you can relate. I am the same way...lies just kill me. My AW had a relapse on Sat. night...she had been pretty good for 2+ years, but we went to a function (large events are a trigger of hers) that she wanted to attend and sure enough she tells our table she doesn't drink anymore. True enough, except as the night goes on she is getting sloppy drunk. Man I am embarassed, but when we get out of there I don't cause WW3 (thanks Alanon) but basically tell her I am not attending those with her b/c she is embarassing at them. She gets verbally abusive, tells me she is sober, etc. Anyone in the free world knows she is drunk. Just kills me...I then open her purse and she was just drunk enough to not remember to remove the remaining small bottle of vodka. Holy cow the cycle seems to never end.

We discussed calmly in the morning and she says she made a mistake (after denying it then I told her I found the bottle). The lies hurt badly. I just rambled myself, but the point is I understand and pray for your strength.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

The lies are very hurtful. They can look you right in the eye and lie. I totally think they believe themselves. Hiding the bottles is another big one. I too know where he hides his. At times I wonder if he thinks I am stupid! Very hard to understand and endure at times.

Cheri_Swanson · Member

It never really dawned on me until now that the lying comes from the disease. I guess I am still trying to understand the disease itself. I am not one to just sit back and let things go and the one thing I detest more than anything is the lies. I have yelled at him saying that I absolutely will not continue to live with a liar and if he can't be honest with me we should think about going our separate ways. But, when I say that I don't really deep down mean it. I love him and I want him to change. I want him to stop drinking, or at least not drink so much that he gets that stupid look on his face and I want him to stop lying to me about the little things. I know myself well enough to know that one day I will snap if this continues and as much as I love him I will leave him if he doesn't change. Maybe I sound self-centered to some, or maybe I sound controlling to some. I am a very loving person who just wants my man to love me, respect me and be honest with me. I don't have an issue with violence, although one time in the eight years I have known him he told me he would kill me and my boys. He was very drunk that night and swears he doesn't remember saying that. I think it could happen again because he has some deep down anger issues from his past and the drinking can bring that anger out. Jen, I know what you mean when you wonder if he thinks you are stupid....same here, and I have asked him that very question. Then, I will yell at him and tell him I am no fool and the lying had better stop. He has been on better behavior lately after I really lost my temper a couple of weeks ago. He had never seen me get that mad at him and I told him I was sick and tired of his b.s. and maybe we should think about going separate ways.

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