The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After being a semi regular on this board I have not posted in a long time; I have been very busy in a new role in my job which is keeping me offline most of the day, and evenings are spent with my son.
My current schedule just doesn't allow me the time to go to f2f meetings. I relied heavily on the comfort of this board in 2011/2012 year after my AH (separated) spiraled into insanity from his alcoholism, lost his job, checked into rehab, and sobered up. This was Sept. 2011. He has been sober for almost 1.5 years and program-wise, is doing great hard therapy, AA, and a godsend of a sponsor. We are separated but he spends weekends with me and our 3 year old son (with whom he is getting closer). I havent the heart to divorce him although I have had to tell my family that we are divorced due to their intense hatred of him (another issue altogether).
I am pleased with AHs resolve to stay sober. But the issue dogging me now is that he has been unemployed for 1.5 years. Frankly, I dont know and dont ask how he makes ends meet. He lives with his mom, and doesnt have huge expenses, but at some point he will run out of money. They are not very well-off people to say the least. I gave him a decent separation settlement when we separated and he collected unemployment for a while. He gives me nothing for our child . Ive reiterated to him many times that he cannot ask me for more, as I am raising our son.
He is looking for work but my honest opinion is that he is overreaching and being totally unrealistic. I believe he threw his career out when he got fired in 2011 and, unless he seriously lowers his expectations (which he clearly doesnt want to do at this point) he wont get hired anywhere. He is under the (I think) false impression that he will be hired in a corporate job, the type of which he held and which he drank himself out of. Newsflash this is not a good economy and his previous job lasted only 8 months. That and being unemployed for so long does not make him a stellar candidate anywhere.
It is hard enough on me that I am fully financially responsible for raising our son. Meanwhile, he seems (at least to me) not to be realistic about his employment chances. My goal in working my own program has been to stay out of his $/job issue. For the most part I have I dont ask him how hes faring financially, and dont offer him job advice (even when itching too). This is hard but the Alanon side of me knows that isnt wise to get embroiled in an issue that he was his doing. On the other hand, he is our childs father and his lack of contributing is my business. And we are still technically married.
I cant help but worry (I know, very bad idea) what will happen when he realizes his job prospects are slim to none unless he takes something he feels he is too good for (his feeling, not mine). Honestly, I think he'd make a good addiction counselor, and this is a field that would accept him given his history. But I am loath to suggest that as I know he'd reject it outright. Of course I worry about relapse although I realize and understand that is futile and hope that he has the tools to deal with whatever lies ahead.I also feel like a bit of a wimp in staying married, but separated a half a marriage basically, without the full support of a husband. But I am not ready to move on and leave him or make a drastic decision to divorce while I see what progress he's made in terms of sobriety.
I guess I am just caught in a frustrated moment right now. Being permanently unemployed is not an option and I am just sick of how he let this happen. Do I just watch him sink into poverty and hope he gets it, wisens up and becomes more realistic? I dont know.
I'm soooo glad to see you post again!! Have you read the book Getting Them Sober Vol 4?? It talks about separation, to divorce or not and all kinds of good stuff for people who are at a cross roads or made a decision to leave a marriage. There is no pressure about making a decision it's only about how people came about their decisions.
1 1/2 years is super terrific in sobriet .. however .. I don't know it is longer to really get clarity of thinking based upon how bad the damage they did to themselves mentally has been .. kwim? It is going to take him finding out the consequences of his actions I mean all of them, this includes whatever unrealistic expectations he has about a job.
All of these things you are describing .. I'm powerless over other people, places, things (and the past). There is a really good read in C2C that talks about allowing people the dignity to make their own decisions, failures and sucesses .. I'm paraphrasing .. lol. It's basically the right to make mistakes and learn from them, or have sucess and learn from that as well.
The best part is you are under no obligation to make a decision today. So just for today, please be gentle with yourself whatever decision you make you will know when it's right, as well as the right time.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks P and so good to hear from you too! I did read the Getting Them Sober edition on separation (deals more with an active A but very useful nonetheless.). Thanks for the tip in C2C too - I think I need to dig it out - I've been letting it get a tad too dusty! It does bring a lot of good common sense and calm. Hugs, nyc
Nyc,,,good to have you back...Ask your now working in sobriety husband to watch the child so you an get to some meetings. God still has him and often does a much better job that we can. ((((hugs))))
I remember you! Welcome back. My husband (who I am separated from) lost his job as a financial consultant/stockbroker in October of last year. He has begun to see a therapist and says that he attends AA meetings regularly and seems to be sober or at least drinking a lot less. He is beginning to talk about looking for a job. I think he is delusional to believe that he is going to be able to go back into a field where he is handling someone else's money. I have expressed my opinion that he may have to downscale his expectations and take whatever he can get for now but he doesn't want to hear it. So, I will just keep my mouth shut and let him find out for himself.
Glad to hear that your husband is still sober. I understand the feeling of being married but not married and not sure if you should make the break permanent or not. For now, I am watching and waiting to see how things shake out and enjoying living on my own in a peaceful environment and not having to be dependent on him for my financial security and happiness.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
