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AH and I have been together for 32 years. We have so many shared memories and a lot of them are good. His drinking started twelve years ago and my crazies set in about six years ago when AH decided to dangle an affair in front of me. Three years ago I finally drew some lines (so much time wasted in my ignorance) and I've been learning ever since. The great news is that over the past year AH's drinking has decreased so much and he is currently not drinking at all. He asked for marriage couselling to help us both get it back together and we have now had four sessions.
I am really struggling to survive these. It seems to me that most of the time I am listening to AH talk about my faults and / or his ailments. I've raised the fact that I feel attacked with the cousellor and she has said that it is a painful process and we need to talk about what is wrong before we reach a point where we have restored enough goodwill to want to look after each other going forward. At the moment we are both sniping. And I am getting angrier and crazier - which I do not like at all! I can't help thinking that it would be quite damaging for me to spend an hour reminding AH why I finally had to leave our home so I am still holding back.
I am really struggling to keep my belief in AH and us as I listen to what AH is saying though. I would dearly love to come through this positively and I know that I am now struggling. I would welcome any advice or experience (or a good joke or two ). This is new ground for us and I'm discovering that I am carrying a fair amount of baggage. Thank you.
I can understand how frustrating this must feel to you right now. I know that counseling in general, like a lot of things, is a process and requires a lot of patience. Maybe if you feel you are not able to present your feelings or side of things this would be your opportunity to sort of organize (at least in your own mind) what you want to say to your AH. You have been through a lot and certainly should have the chance to say what you are feeling.
I am also in a long marriage that has had its share of hills and valleys including active alcoholism and infidelity; not easy to live with either of those things, but possible--yes! I'm thinking it's a positive sign that your AH has asked for the marriage counseling. I'm hopeful for you that will help move things in a good direction.
Make sure you are taking care of yourself throughout all of this-- that can be the hardest thing for us to do.
Milkwood - my only ESH here is that I know what it is like to be in early sobriety.
You are describing an older man that should have some wisdom and common sense. The reality is, he drank away much of his coping skills. I don't know if you marriage counselor is familiar with addiction, but it sounds like your husband has not had much of a program of recovery and he is a typical early sobriety, ranting, dry drunk.
He is also at the stage of his life (presumably close to 60 or older) where he needs to look back on things and have some self-respect and integrity. Otherwise, he will be going "OMG! I wasted my whole life!!!" Along with that comes a strong urge to rationalize his choices and blame bad behavior on you. Very likely in his mind, if you would just understand and forgive the reasons he drank and then the things he did when he drank, that would solve the problem. Meanwhile, since he has little recovery program, he is very self-centered, does not recognize that alcoholism made him that way, is not working with a full deck, and is not capable of true ammends yet because he doesn't understand his own disease which has not gone away just because he stopped drinking.
When I got sober, I was a selfish, whiny, blaming baby for a good year and a half and that was WITH daily AA meetings, working with my sponsor, step work...etc. I don't know how on earth I would have progressed if I just stopped and expected a counselor to fix me in a few therapy sessions (I did go to a therapist also though and it helped with conjuction of AA).
My point here is that I would not get too upset or take personally all the blaming, excuses, and BS that comes out of his mouth right now. That is what a newly sober person with incredibly stunted emotional maturity does. Basically a giant whiny adult man-baby throwing tantrums at you cuz you aren't acting like the mommy he wants.
Even without the disease of alcoholism in our lives we are all carrying a great deal of baggage. Now just add to the mix living with the disease of alcoholism and it increases considerably. Our REACTIONS to this disease, although understandable, are often very destructive to our own selves and to our partner.
When I first attended counseling, I did believe it was all his fault and that I was justified in my attitude and actions. . I did not own my feelings but blamed him for everything, " If only" he was different I would have responded differently. That attitude got us no where,
I was also attending alanon at the time and my sponsor suggested that I work a 4th and 5 th Step on the relationship so that I could obtain some clarity as to my part . I am glad I did.
. Working with my sponsor, seeing what I did , owning my part was an important step in my healing. Doing this with a trusted alanon friend, who understood as few others can, helped me to accept myself, my actions, my part. I was then able to return to council sessions with my self esteem in tact and with a good grasp of reality I could listen to his side, with an open mind then and explain my view saying what I mean without saying it mean.
That's a tough one, as it sounds to me like your AH is doing his stuff on his own, as in - he is "dry", but not really "sober", per se??
I have always been advised that marriage counselling when one of the partners is actively drinking is an exercise in futility/frustration, and my experience would support that...
Marriage counselling, when one of the partners is 'white knuckling' his drinking, is an interesting one.... My gut would suggest that IF your counselor is well trained in addictions counselling, it may have some positive potential.... From the brief description you shared, it sounds unlikely that your counsellor has much training in the complicated field of addictions...
Just my two cents... Bottom line, is any counselor worth his or her salt, won't allow one person to bad-mouth and tell the other person all their faults, ongoing.... they will (hopefully) get him back on track to ask "what about you"...
Take care
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I, too, have been having a difficult time with marriage counseling. It's become one big dumping ground and giving AH freedom to complain, condemn, and criticize. Many sessions I nearly walked out because I barely spoke in there. The counselor tried to get me talking but as soon as I brought up my 'feelings', Ah would go off on another tangent, accuse me of cheating on him, deny his drinking, lie about something, or project his experiences onto someone else or something else. It all became a cluster and the therapist was very frustrated last week. He told AH that he believes that AH has a serious problem and must abstain forever and that he needs more help than the weekly psychologist appointments he's attending.
Truly, I shouldn't have started counseling at all because he's either binging or white knuckling his sobriety. He is still very active in his alcoholic thinking. Our marriage therapist has cut us back from weekly to monthly sessions, to just check in with him because we weren't getting anywhere because of AH's issues. I continue with my own Al Anon meetings, I go to my own therapist, and I do my own things. I am working very hard at focusing on myself and on giving AH over to my Higher Power, to his Higher Power really. I'm just taking it one day at a time and doing the next best thing.
Listen to what the Pinkchip, Tom, and Betty have to say: there is wisdom in their words. We have all walked this walk or a similar path, we understand and we're all growing one day at a time. Hugs to you today!
Wow, I could not be more grateful for your feedback, thank you so much for sharing so generously. Ilovedogs - your share is so kind, a hug to you as well. thank you. Canadianguy - two cents from you would buy out Warren Buffet! thank you. Betty - thank you for your gentle wisdom and the guidance of your words. Pinkchip - you are always awesome and your frank descriptions will make me smile even in the thick of it. Yanksfan - I thank you for your hopeful words. Thank you MIP for empowering me today.
I'm in a somewhat similar situation, in that round 4 of marriage counseling is tomorrow. I "only" have five years of marriage, but my AW is in complete denial, blames me for everything (though I am certainly not blameless), refuses to see the toll her drinking has had on our marriage, her verbal abuse, the alienation it has caused, crappy sex life, and the simple fact that the bottle is number one in her life and I am number 2. We are separated and barely speaking; "coincidentally" her silent treatment began when I confronted her more strongly about her drinking a month ago. Before then, even though we were separated, we still spoke. Truth hurts. I've kept my mouth shut about her drinking since then, for now, though the issue is of course very much relevant. A few weeks ago she said she had quit, but I dunno about that.
Anyway, I am largely going to marriage counseling for two reasons: first and foremost, for me and my personal growth, and on the remote chance that if she isn't scared off, maybe an "A-ha!" moment will come from some of the self-reflection marriage counseling entails
Hey Trying to understand, That is tough and painful. I do hope that you can see that it is not about you. (I can't even count the number of times I've been dumped by AH - my problem now is I wish I had accepted it a few times). Perhaps your wife's moment for self-reflection has not arrived yet, it is difficult for people to cut through their denial and amazing how strongly they will fight and how much they will sacrifice to maintain it. It is so difficult to stay calm but I do hope that some calm and peace finds you over the next few days. Sending you a big hug and good things just for you. Give yourself time and space if you can. Take care.
). This is new ground for us and I'm discovering that I am carrying a fair amount of baggage. Thank you.