Good morning Dponlyme,

I am sorry that you are in a hard place.

For my part, I can not understand my darling AH's drinking either, but I do know that it is not about me and that if he could choose, he would choose not to do it. I think that under normal circumstances it is quite natural to feel good when your spouse gives you approval. But at the moment he just can't manage it, however much he (and I) would like it to happen. And sometimes I can't manage to look at him approvingly either, and then I have to remember to be kind and forgiving to myself as well.

I chose to leave home for a couple of months a while back and I slept on the floor in my brother's living room. It was a calm place and I am very grateful to him for the sanctuary, it was what I needed at the time. But sleeping on the floor was not ideal for my self esteem - so I made a little ritual of it, that I felt that I was looking after myself as best I could rather than resenting my choice of floorboards! When I needed to get away again for a while I rented a little cottage and I must admit that found my balance much faster. Of course, I was lucky to be able to do that.

I really love a good thunder storm - strong winds, lightning, driving rain et al. But I usually choose to protect myself by watching it from the safety of my living room.

Take care of yourself, and sending restorative (((hugs))) for today.

Who says you are "supposed to understand her drinking and love her anyway?" I never heard that in alanon. It may give you tools to avoid some arguments and to detach but it can't make you love a person or totally understand everything they do and what motivates them.

As far as what would you do if you loved your kids? Well, I have heard and read in alanon all too many times folks say "If the alcoholic loved me and the kids they would stop drinking" and then they combine that with what you said "If I'm gong to be a loving partner and/or parent I should....." In actuality, her disease and now your disease has nothing to do with love. It has everything to do with disease. Recovery does involve love and that is probably the best thing you can do to step off this elevator that is going down and start riding it upwards. Meetings, stepwork, and a sponsor... It's not going to get better by doing the same things.

I can identify with your feelings about wanting approval so badly and wanting support. It's hard to be with an alcoholic and, instead of them being grateful for putting up with them, they are mean and attacking. Hence, you get so worn down. You want to be a good husband (and probably are) but you are married to a sick person that couldn't even be what you are envisioning no matter how perfect you were or tried to be. That approval is better given to you by yourself. The "attaboys" and the support is better given to you by yourself, peers in alanon, and by healthy folks.

Does this all mean that you can't be with her and stay married? Not necessarily. She might change. She might get sober. That's not in your control though so in the meanwhile, it will help to not hinge so much of your happiness and well-being on her and the relationship.

Also, loving your kids doesn't mean enabling their sick mother. That's a tricky proposition depending on how sick and progressed the alcoholic is. Your relationships with your kids can stand largely alone. Just be the best dad you can be every day to them (aside from your relationship with their mom).