Lending my son and family money - Al-Anon Family Group

oldergal · Senior Member

Lending my son and family money

britbug · Member

I always ask myself "whose responsibility is this?" then I go on to ask myself "who will this responsibility fall on if I don't claim it?" and of course, "who will be affected?" and usually by that point I know what I'm going to do.

It's hard because just like you, his family is affected and hurting because of his actions. Whatever you decide, just remember that you didn't cause this dilemma and just because someone is asking you for help - you're not at fault for anything no matter what happens.

Good luck and I'm happy for you that your son is making steps toward progress. Stay strong!

-- Edited by britbug on Wednesday 13th of February 2013 08:32:50 AM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I know how you feel about maybe stopping the crisis but there is your daughter in law and the kids to think about. I guess you have to decide what is truly best for your son.

It's a hard decision because you want so much for your son to get better and this will not let him hit his bottom.

It's a hard decision because she might leave him and he will be homeless and you can't handle that.

Like me if my son is homeless, so be it because the way he lives now is death. My son HAS to hit bottom so at least he has a better chance to get sober. Homelessness is a bottom for me so I pray it is for him. His GF/kids left anyways even with all the money I had given her and him. I even bought her a car...

If you do decide to do it maybe a contract that your son and DIL can sign together that he will pay you back. If not you can stop FOREVER and never give any money again. One more chance for you son.....that's what it will be.

Pray about it then decide my friend.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

As you think about what's right for you, one thing to remember is that they always say that it's more helpful to consider it "giving" money than "lending" money. Because more often than not, the money is never returned. I think that's doubly true when there's an alcoholic involved. So it may help to have clarity about what it entails. That's not to say it's necessarily a bad idea. Just that "lending" is probably unrealistic.

Annie1234 · Senior Member

Oldergal,

This is a tough position for you. While I understand your desire to not "rescue" him from hitting rock bottom, you also see his wife and the three children in a bad position that they did not create. Losing a car can have so many additional problems that come with it...depending on the age of the kids, their friends and neighbors might notice that the car is gone. This can cause embarrassment for the innocent people in your son's life. It can also cause the loss of ability to get to work etc.

It's a lot to ponder, and I'll be praying for you as you make this decision.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Sis you have had some very good responses to your share...How powerful the MIP membership is and how so right on from different directions. I do the inventory and responsibility directions using the experiences I learned from my own journey and the Al-Anon groups such as Mattie and Britbug and at the same time have the innate desires at Cathy and Annie. One thing I learned to do is that with whatever decision I came to and then did I immediately went into acceptance of the outcome and owning my part in it. No I don't "let" money to alcoholics and addicts because of what I have learned and I do give them money from time to time...whatever the outcome I own my part in it. In the process I always ask the question who's responsibility is this? and then I continue with what is my part in the outcome.

You are a lover...love anyways. You are compassionate...keep practicing that. You are generous and kind and considerate...continue to be that. Use all those spiritual assets to continue to do good stuff and keep all of the fellowship around you where you and I can practice humility...being teachable. ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I do not believe in lending money. I give it with no thought of return. I Let them know they know what the right thing is to do if they choose to pay it back.

Also I would pay the car payment myself or take them to do so. I would never give them cash.

I say this because there are kids involoved.

I hope your son cont. on his path to find a program of recovery. love,debilyn

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