The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this site. I have been doing al-anon now for about a year. I sometimes feel stuck in one place. I listen to the tapes, I visit the forums, I read the books and readings. It all makes perfect sense, but I just can't seem to do it!! I know what I should do, but when I come home to my AH and he has been drinking, all my "reading" just goes out the door! I get angry and say too much and make him angry. I know I can't argue with an alcoholic, but I just can't help myself. The anger just comes bursting to the surface. Some days I do great and others... NO WAY! I don't understand how to NOT be right all the time as stupid as that sounds. My self righteousness just comes out.
I'm tired of him being the center of attention because of all his "issues". I know I myself have "issues" but I do not trouble the entire family with them. I feel as if I am becoming hard. I know I need to live my life with "love" but there is so much anger and resentment I am just not sure how.
Aloha RB and welcome to the MIP family...tons of Al-Anon members here with ten times that amount in experience. I hope you stick around and make this a part of your recovery. Your share reminds me of the early days when I use to do that myself...I thought I'd never "get it" and the fellowship seemed to be saying then...find just one thing to change and make a new habit and then see how it feels and changes you. For me the first thing was regularly attending meetings in spite of her reaction which was big because I was soooo tuned into her likes and dislikes that I didn't have a life of my own. The next one was learning how to say things more softley and evenly which had her asking me at times if "something was wrong" I grew to liking the softness and loss of strain that I did it every where I found myself with others. A big tool was learning detachment on all of the levels it took me...with anger, with disinterest and then finally with love which isn't and wasn't the same as with "the fuzzies" I got a new definition for love from within the program and practiced that also...."Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are. So at times I was accepting with out condition my alcoholic/addict wife and at other times just my wife. That was getting it right for me. It is not that you "can't" do a thing you feel you are failing at, often times it is that you "won't" do it. Let go of what is familiar to you and do something different. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I can totally identify with your post. It is hard not to be angry when you are. SOmetimes when my AW drinks I handle it very well and then other times I get angry and truly make things worse for everyone including myself. Over 18 years of living with her drinking you would think I would have figured this out by now.
i have been an alanon member for almost 1yr too and i can relate to how you feel. sometimes it is one step forward and two back but i am getting better. i dont live with my a any longer, just the aftermath, debt, children etc. have you tried working through the steps? i work on each one, i write it out and i usually feel so much better ad more focused. im not sure if i work them in the proper way but they are fabulous for getting to the truth of my soul.x
