In my deeply mixed up view of life I had some idea that in the right place I could find someone who would take care of me.  I had this view because I did not get taken care of as a child. I lived on survival. I did not get my needs met. Basically I had a roof over my head and not much else. Indeed the roof was barely adequate as my parents were poor, disorganized and chaotic.  I had no one to take care of me physically, emotionally and certainly absolutely no one to make me feel "special".

So I got into this place of wanting even craving someone to take care of me because I did not really know how to take care of myself.  Quite some time ago I became aware that I did not really want to take care of myself, (not because then I did not know how to) but because I craved someone taking care of me. Even when I became aware of it I could not let it in how destructive that behavior is or was.

I really could live in a sea of denial on so many levels, like someone living only on one floor of a hotel and not seeing the entire building.  I had some romantic notion that there was some idea of two people merged together doing for each other what neither wanted to do for themselves was actually true love.

I found it tremendously hard to let go of the notion that really all I needed in life was this special someone who would take care of me. Lately I have become incredibly aware that one of the things that binds me to many an alcoholic is their promises.  They are really really adept at promising that all my needs will be met at some really obscure point in the future.  None of the ones I have known ever really met my needs but they could give a fantastic illusion that they could and would and then and only then would I feel loved.  I was so absolutely "hooked" on those promises it was almost like a drug for me.

Then when I could finally get to the notion that I was hooked on that notion I could see how the idea of wanting someone else to take care of me was not something noble at all.

Needless to say much of this has come about by certain actions in my life.   I have wondered why there are still alcoholics on so many peripheries of my life and I know now why.  I still have so much to learn from how compelling an attraction I find them. There are times when I find their "lies", deceits and complete denial absolutely flabbergasting and other times when I really want to minimize how absolutely self destructive they are.  I want to doubt the certainity of my knowledge.  Furthermore,  I have also wondered what it is that has kept me at the part time job I have been at for a few years now. Now I realize it is because I have so much to learn from those I have to work with there (although work with is not a phrase I would use since there is not a even sketchy idea of what team work is or could be).

One of my co workers at the part time job is a woman much like me. She is my age, she has many of the health issues I have.  Until now she had many of the conflicts with the management and other staff members I had. This week she became ill.  I could see so much of my self in her reactions and actions around her illness. Firstly she did not take care of herself, secondly she did not want to, and thirdly she absolutely did not accept her illness on any level.  Much like me, this woman really wanted everyone else to take care of it for her.  So I have had to consider how much difficulty I put so many people in because I absolutely refused, demanded and resented anyone who did not take care of me.

My former sponsor was so right in pointing out that the discovery that I did not want to take care of myself was a very crucial piece of information.  Of course I felt it was a minor hiccup that was just waiting to be taken care of by the "right" person. That is any one but me.  So who abandoned me after all?  The A or myself? 

I am finding the more I look at the ways I was pulled into the ex A's orbit the clearer I am about the kinds of behavioral change I need to make. These days I am absolutely boundary based.  My boundaries are so crucial to my well being, I patrol them every day and maintain a great deal of vigilance.   If someone crosses them I am very very clear that they will not get the opportunity to do that again without a consequence.  I am also aware that I have very little time, if any, to people please because after all I am trying to meet my own needs.  People pleasing was like a huge boulder on my calendar, everything else came second after that. So no wonder I felt resentful!

Maresie.