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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> ugh this is so painful
Post Info TOPIC: ugh this is so painful
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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ugh this is so painful
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I made a mistake and thought my net was off!! geez. It will be from the 14th to the 27th. I got a nice couch, so did not pay my bill for a bit.

Anyway my/our relationship is very strong still and growing. Learning so much. It has come now that he has done all the business, told his ex and kids he is outa there for good.He will never go back.

Hopefully his grown kids will very much understand.

I am focusing on me as I write this. It's horribly painful feeling him go thru this. I know his deep feelings, his fears, his aching for the spouse that was so wonderful before her addiction/disease finally killed her. Now all that is left is a sick, worthless using A with no heart or any essence of who she used to be.Same as my exAH she is gone. He helped me thru my leaving, now i help him thru his years later. He stayed till his kids were grown. But was only home 3 out of 4 days for work.

She quit life completely for her drugs.

He is a very driven man when he has to get something done. We have been in constant contact for many months now. Our friendship turned into so much more. But these days  of him needing to do this we have not been in contact. He had to focus on his mission? goals? pain? He did call for a little bit one day. so tore up.

Anyway I feel so deeply sad, i mean nauseated, crying, bad nightmares. When he called I think I said everything wrong. I first said I didn't think he would come back. he says you have no faith in me. I said I have faith in you to make your own decisions.I have never had trouble sharing with him since he told me how he feels about me.but during this i know not to ask questions, but its so hard as my feelings and well my heart cannot just flow and talk with him. I am stunted and confused.

I know he is in so much pain. I give him the time to be selfish as he needs to be right now. Does not mean it is not tearing me apart. He asked me before he went to finish it that we wait to get back to us after would we be ok? I said of course. ugh. my stomach feels like it has a blender in it.

He is who I share my inner me with, he too to me. Its so hard to be so alone and need to get this out! He can keep things in and says why share this? It just hurts again. This is where men and women are different. I read and reread, men are from mars and women venus, how right on that book fits for us. wish I had read it before. I understand so much more. need to go reread about this kinda thing though.

I thought he said he was calling last night but he did not. It was the last time he would be in his house so I do see how he needed to do it alone. That is him. He is the strongest man I have ever known, he is a real man.I am amazed by him.

It is hard to leave the A, especially if you have kids. In most places even thought the mother is a drunk, heroin addict whatever, the court gives the kids to the A. That is soooo wrong. My friend HAD to stay with the kids. We have been together for years thru it.thank goodness he did stay as the kids do have their problems, they also are very good people becuz he stayed. He compromised so much. I am proud of him.

This disease affects so many. friends of then non A, for me it also affects my son, my friends. I share about him now and the men friends I have are very protective and hope he is as good as I say. the women friends also wonder.

It will affect all the friends of the non A. gone are the times of couples being together as the A W checked out. Even when familiar is the worst, its still easier most times than the void of change.

Do I hurt this deep for him or me or both? Can I believe we will be ok? Will he find his needing me is done?I have not been with anyone for over 11 or more years. I am so sensitive to loss. cannot take another one. I have no reason to believe he would leave me. One husband dying, the next braindamaged from brain surgery and wet brain from alcohol and other drugs.....that is not him.

He is not A at all, in fact an incredible man. Hey I see the difficult things in him, but I love him for those too!he is the one.

I isolated me clear up in the mountains partly so no chance of men in my life. Not even a single one in my congregation! Yet I prayed for a mate. Wondered why it was not answered. Next thing i know my long time friend of so many years told me he loved me, and from that day on stuck to me.and here we are meeting in a very short time, maybe weeks, hoping we are mates. I guess our father was listening!

I know one thing, love is never easy.If you really want it, ya better be strong and prepared for that. It is work. Yet it is all the best in life. My experience.

thank you if you have read this. If you feel anything you want to respond please do. All this is so new to me.  I guess  what always screams out is will he come back to me? Has he really every left? this is where I am so damaged. all my family has passed, most of my friends, I moved here over 13 years ago so the animals I adopted or raised are that old. I am losing them now. 14 year old cat, 13 year old potted pig are so old. gave up on a horse. the one I tried kept leaving so a new great home came for her. I just want elgin back. he was who I was bonded to. If you have ever seen Avatar you would understand me as far as animals, people, life, earth.

ugh I fixed my whole water pump system by myself!! can ya believe it? I mean the well to the house. now am tackling my hot water heater..... I guess I cannot get old.  love,debilyn

 

 

 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Temple


~*Service Worker*~

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Hey Sweetie,

This will work out, I feel.

Get your calm serenity back. I think you are picking up on his angst. He's going through a tough time and your emotions are all over the place in sympathy.

Maybe go read 1st Corinthians again. Love is patient, kind. Love isn't needy. Love is okay whatever happens. I'm riffing now.

Take some deep breaths. Write an email to the woman who posted all of that as if she were somebody else.

It's hard when you've been through so much and had the rug pulled out from under you so many times. But that was then, this is now.

Just trust, do something beautiful, hug your animals tighter. You can get through the feelings today. And tomorrow. They are just feelings. Feelings can be these little tapes that the mind plays to accompany a chemical that is running through your blood stream. I've seen it happen in a food allergy testing environment. I remember saying, "Bonnie, when you are testing grains, you get to missing your little doggy and get all sad and depressed. And when you are testing meats, you become hyper and are going to quit your job and move here permanently and become a patient advocate." It is easier to see in others than in ourselves.

And you know not to try to push feelings away--just accept them. And then let them go. Keep your blood sugar stable--get enough rest. Tend yourself as you would a skittish animal.

It will be okay.

Love,
Temple

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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread.  --Gray Charles

 
Breakingfree


~*Service Worker*~

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Glad to get an update, I have been wondering about you. Keep on keeping on. Sending love and support!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
wornoutmrsfixit


Senior Member

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I really hope things work out for the two of you. Keep us updated.



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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
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