The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Why is it bothering me that my AH doesn't want to communicate with me from rehab? he emailed our daughter but not me. The only time he contacted me is when he was at the airport and wanted money. So why do I care? He made the choice to continue to abuse drugs and alcohol. He endangered our entire neighborhood while driving wrecklessly during drug induced stupor. Why then is he still blaming me for his problems and why does it still bother me that he is? In a perfect world, I can put the divorce on hold while he gets better and he can come home and we can have our happy family back. I know it's not a perfect world, but I can still have hope. I am so scared that he will never forgive me for filing for the divorce and calling 911. Again, why do I care? I did what any sane person would do in the same situation.
I know exactly how you feel. I guess "we care" because we are as sick as they are often. I struggle with pitting my A's feeling before my own.. Which I know is wrong. We matter too... Life has been all about then for us for SO long that it is just second nature for us to still put some strange sense of value in their warped opinions & expectations.
While I don't have alot of answers I do know what you are going thru. Try to keep yourself 1st ( after HP of
Course) and not let this thinking get in the way of the progress you are making.
((( hugs))) prayers for you that you can get past the feeling & focus on your needs and what you want!
Recovery from alcohol ( detox alone ) is not a overnight process. One thing I found out with my son is he is very angry with everything and everyone for the first couple of weeks. He is mad at the world until his brain starts to function again and then he comes to terms with his problem and starts to become less angry and will talk again. Just in my case he will start drinking again so that's why I detach with love.
You have to recover just like he's trying to do...and it won't be easy or a simple fix. Let him get a couple of weeks under his belt to understand what happen and what he did then maybe things will change.
Have hope and pray but work on YOU and let him work on himself...this is just the beginning of a long journey.
Read the book " Getting them Sober" vol: 1 by Toby Rice Drew. It will give you a lot of information and read everything you can get your hands on about alcoholism. Just Google Alcoholism and read.
Take care of you ((( Hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I really had to stop asking that whole "why" question. The only answer I have come up to why my STBAX does what he does is because he's an addict and this is what they do. The same way if someone were to ask why do I care. It's what I do in my own disease that affects those around me. It makes no sense to try and rationalize with an irrational person even if that person is me.
Please be gentle with yourself. I understand how easy it is to say "what if" .. what if (fill in the blank) then it wouldn't have been so bad. I could have fixed this situation. I can keep going with all of it.
You did what you had to do because it was the right thing at the time. Those are HIS consequences to his choices. It is a natural consequence for you to say enough. It is a natural consequence for anyone to say if I see a drunk driving I have a moral compass to call the police.
Yes, there are direct consequences to your own choices. It is OK to live a full happy life with or without the A in your life. For me filing as hard as it has been and the story I have shared it was the best decision for the children and myself.
This is when I have to let go and let God (HP) in my own program and keep minding my own business. Whatever journey my STBAX has .. it's his journey and the God of my understanding totally knows better than I do what the STBAX's path is, .. I have to let it go to God. I only need to take care of myself and the kids. His choices, .. his consequences .. when he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired he will do something different. I know for me that's exactly what happened.
Sending lots of love and support, hugs P :)
PS - I got so much out of Toby Rice Drew's Vol 4.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. With that being said, the disease will do what it wants to do whether you called or not and whether you filed for divorce or not. You were taking care of you and this is a good thing.
It does sound like you are so attached to the idea and the vision of "the perfect outcome" and the "perfect recovery" and the "perfect husband back" and that inhibits your ability to find gratitude and to live in the now. "Hope" for outcomes is misdirected most of the time. In my experience, when I am "hoping" something will turn out a certain way, that's a set up for frustration, anger, disappointment and it's a also a big clue in that I am clinging to stuff I have no control over. It works better to have 'hope" that you will just deal with whatever happens.
Believe in yourself and not the outcomes you want to happen. You can't force a person or wish a person into being something they are not. It's either going to happen or it isn't. I have heard you saying your hopes and dreams are vanished now and such. I have felt that way also when in the thick of it. What I have found in my recovery is that things NEVER turn out exactly the way we were "hoping." They often turn out better, but it's always different and it's always okay.
So, in a matter of months or whenever down the road, you will be at a much better spot and saying "Wow. This is different than I thought it would have played out. This is different than I hoped for even. But this is better than I dreamed of." THAT is what has occured repeatedly for me in recovery. Knowing this helps me have faith and stop clinging to ideas about what should be and what I want to happen cuz it will all be okay and you just have to pray for and work towards your own development and growth.
Imom - This is a person that crossed your boundaries in so many ways. He was brutally nasty to you and he acted in ways that actually endangered the lives of others. Yet you are worried and hurt this person isn't reaching out to you. Sounds to me like he doesn't really care about anyone in the right ways. Sounds like a sick addict. You can let go. Furthermore, you've also been traumatized and treated very poorly. Now is the time for you to focus on healing you....not the time to lay yourself out for this person to hurt you more. Try not to stress over not getting the love you want for a sick and disturbed individual.
I know it's easy for me to say cuz it's not my husband and not the father of my children - but, I can say from a detached view that I don't want the "love" of an individual who is that sick. Him getting better would come before his ability to love in ways that are meaningful anyhow. Addiction took that from him. End result - Love yourself and trust your HP.
