The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tired of walking on eggshells, never knowing if what I say, or don't say, or do or don't do are going to make him drink. I must remember that I did not cause it, I cannot control and I cannot cure it.
Tired of checking the bank account every day to see how much money he has withdrawn, worrying if we will have enough to pay our bills. I must get the courage to cut financial ties completely, but it is a very big and scary step.
Tired of wondering who he is texting, and what he is doing with his damn phone. He is so secretive and defensive. I will trust my gut, but know that whatever he is hiding is about him and his guilt. I cannot stop him from doing whatever it is he does.
Tired of worrying about his feelings above mine all the time. I understand that he has a disease called alcoholism. Why must it take top priority of all things in my day? It must not and I must not let it. I am giving him and it far too much power.
Tired of feeling badly when I talk about my job, or any good thing that happens to me, for fear that it will somehow make him feel bad. He is a grown man, he is not so fragile. I should be proud of my success at work. I am allowed to feel proud and happy and capable. There was a time when he was proud of me too.
Tired of imagining him with other woman. It saddens me to know that he prefers to spend his time with his drinking buddies, sad drunken woman, strippers and bartenders, who look so worn and beaten, but laugh at his every drunken word, and take all the tips he tosses their way. Tired of comparing myself to them. Because I know, they are just sad sad people, and he is with them because he is sad too. Misery loves company. I don't have to be part of the misery.
I am tired of it all, but I am also feeling a little stronger every day.
I am glad you had the courage to list all that you are tired of The first steps toward taking any constructive actions must begin with the 3 As.
The awareness and acceptance part of the 3 As ask us to see the reality of what we are experiencing and own how we feel. Then and only then can we ask HP for the courage and inner guidance to take the constructive actions in our own best interest. it is all a process and each small step we take helps to build our confidence and self esteem, You are doing fine.
Paris .. I am SO with you on this!
I'm so tired of saying I'm sorry, tired of Babying a grown man, tired of meeting everyone's needs but my own, tired of being 100% honest with my A for fear of hurting his feeling ( in turn potentially causing him to fall further)
Life with and A is exhausting.. Even not living with him anymore.
Your post is great, thanks so much for sharing your feelings!
A great post Paris, it probably wasn't easy but it is really well done and inspirational. You have listed so many things that I relate to and it is fantastic to read your last line - feeling stronger every day. Hold that thought Thank you.
