The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone. This is my first time here and honestly my first time ever reaching out to anyone. My hope is to find people to relate to as right now I'm pretty angry at myself. I'll soon tell you why. I've been to 1 al anon meeting in the past when I was a teenager but haven't been since.
My name is Tracie and I'm 36 years old. I'm the oldest of 4 girls. My younger sisters are 29, 19 and 18. As far back as I can remember my parents were addicted to something and my father was always very abusive. I'm so pissed off at myself for still letting these things impact me! My father beat my mother all the time, threw things at her, broke things, demanded we wait on him like getting him a drink and removing his boots daily. They used pot, alchohol and cocaine until I was about age 11. When I was 11 after a night of drugs and abuse I had to go to school. My mom came and picked me up early that day with my little sister (who is 29 now) and we left my dad. I was scared as I was and in a lot of ways am still afraid of him. We stayed with a friend for a few days and ended up living in a battered womens shelter for several months. During this time I changed schools several times, was picked on in school and always had a fear of my dad finding us and hurting us again.
My father went to rehab and got out just as addicted as before he went. After some time my parents got back together and eventually they stopped using cocaine. They continued to abuse alchohol, use and sell pot and my father was still just as abusive. At this point they decided to have 2 more kids; trying for the boy they always wanted. By the time my youngest sisters were born I was grown up and was more of a mother to them then a sister taking them to a babysitter, attending school and picking them up every day.
Fast forward to my life now. Overall I'm really happy. When I was 19 I moved 750 miles away and kept my distance for a long time. I actually didn't go back for about 5 years...even for a visit. I have a normal life with my husband and 2 cats. For the past 2 Februarys my parents have come to see me for a visit. During these visits I had much grief. I saw abuse again...although not physical abuse it was the yelling and flying off the handle for nothing that scared the hell out of me my whole life. I don't have kids and I swear it's because I was a mom to my baby sisters. I don't have bonds with any of my younger sisters. They all feel like I abandoned the family. I felt like I had to get away. I am and always have been clean. I don't smoke or do drugs and rarely ever have even 1 drink. People question me all the time about why I don't have or want kids like I'm a bad person for not wanting to become a mom. DAMN! I didn't even get to be a kid...never!
I'm not sure what I'm looking to accomplish. Maybe an al anon meeting would help. I just had to talk. If you are an adult still feeling the impact of childhood abuse please respond. I don't know why I still have so much hurt. Maybe the right answer is to not speak to my father at all. The more contact I have with him the more bad memories come up.
If there is anyone out there please just say you understand or something! My heart hurts.
I am glad that you found us and had the courage to share your pain and heart ache We who live with the problems of alcoholism understand as few other can. We too have know the feelings you describe and have found a fellowship of others who share their experience strength and hope in order to recover .
Alanon is that recovery program . Face to face meetings can be found in your community and the hot line number is in the telephone directory I know you have attended in the past Please try again.
Please keep coming back here as well There is help and hope
Welcome to MIP Tracie. You have come to the right place. Many share your story. I am an adult child of an alcoholic. There is a profound impact but we can recover. I go to Alanon meetings and share my story, listen to others, read the literature, talk to my sponsor, and help others when I can. Keep coming back.
hello and a big warm welcome, so glad you came to join us here, sometimes we have to do the hardest things in life to do the right thing, you surely know that in any relationship with an addict we are dammed if we do and dammed if we don't, I applaud you for taking good care of yourself and in such difficult circumstances, we who have lived with this and still do, forever carry the hurt for those that we love and lose to this dreadful illness, either in life or death, you are perfectly entitled to feel your feelings, if you can find yourself a face to face meeting and keep coming back here you will find a safe and loving fellowship that will help and support you, and you in turn will be helping someone else by sharing your experience strength and hope, thankyou for coming here x
