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Hello friends - I'm a grateful Al-Anoner working it every day. I have a question I'm hoping someone smarter than me can help with.
My AH is checking in tomorrow at 9 a.m. for this third stint in rehab. We have not been living together since he completed his second stint the day after Thanksgiving 2012. During that time I have been working my own program, and he his (I thought, he was a very good talker).
He asked me for a divorce a couple weeks ago - said that it wasn't fair for me to live with him and all his "defects of character." Said I'm one of his triggers. I've decided to take his advice for the time being. I'm ever hopeful, told him that I would keep him on my insurance until he was done at the treatment center but am working on a permanent detachment.
Here's my issue. While living 200 miles away, he has decided to "take up" with someone else - in fact, this person is the one he is staying with until he checks in and she will be the one taking him. Ouch - this one stings - but at this point I don't care how he gets to rehab, only that he does.
We have two wonderful dogs - he has had one with him since he moved away. They are both elderly and need medication. The one he has also needs dental work.
When he told me he was checking himself in, I asked him how I should go about getting his truck (registered in his name, insured in both our names) and the dog. He said that he decided to leave his truck, his keys (with the keys to our home and his mother's home included - cripes!) and the dog with this woman he has taken up with. BTW, yes, I have already changed the locks on our home and let his mom know so she can do whatever she decides.
I don't know if the dog will be safe where he is - I know he is almost out of medication, don't know if plans have been made to have the dental work done, and he is a "viscious breed" in a town that doesn't take kindly to his breed. He is the sweetest dog in the world and wouldn't hurt a fly. But we made it a point to buy a home with high walls so that he couldn't get out and others couldn't get in to hurt him. I don't know if the place he's staying has those protections.
So I'm torn. This dog is my AH's life - has been with him and us through thick and thin. Legally, I have the right to go get the dog and the vehicle (it has been confirmed with some friends of mine in law enforcement and animal services). But I have some responsibility in this - as of now the truck is still insured under both our names, and the dog is in both our names as well.
Granted I'm upset that the "other woman" now has my dog and my truck (sounds like a country song!) But I don't know what to do because my name is on these things, therefore I have some responsibility if something happens (like if the dog gets scared from being in an unfamiliar place and inadvertently hurts someone, or if another person decides to drive the truck while my AH is checked in to rehab). I also know that if I take the dog I will be in for a fight when we do start to work on the divorce papers. I'm willing to give the dog back to him after he shows he can be responsible enough to care for an animal. It'll kill me, but I'll do it.
Your insights would be greatly appreciated.
BTW, I do not plan on staying with him when he gets out - I'll take him up on his advice that I shouldn't deal with his defects of character and besides he has someone else who is willing to deal with his behavior. I am just stumped with this dilemma.
Ouch indeed Blondie! I am so sorry that you are in this difficult place. If I were in your situation I think that I would be climbing the walls emotionally and not in a good place to make a call on what is best. I think that I would hope to accept that AH has given responsibility for the dog and the truck to someone else and since that is his business I would take my name off the insurance/ownership for both asap. But perhaps that might have implications on the division of our assets after the divorce, so I might check with my lawyer as well. Just my opinion of what I would do. I think that the most important thing is to do what feels right for you.
I admire your program and your clarity in this situation. i understand your concern about both the truck and the older dog and would take the action that would protect myself in both cases.
It appears that your motives are sound and your concerns valid. I would pray about it and then take the next right action as guided by my inner voice
I don't know the legalities about the truck, but if you no longer have access to it, you shouldn't be liable for the insurance. That would be a consideration for me in moving forward.
The dog is a living thing, and that would be my biggest concern. The dog can't defend himself or insist that he needs more medicine or get his own dental work done. I think if I were in your shoes I would get the dog and make sure he's well taken care of. Because it isn't clear from what you've said whether the new woman knows to do this, has the resources to do it, or is responsible enough to do it. If the divorce goes ahead, which it sounds as if it may, then you can arrange with a mediator or the courts or whatever to give the dog back if you have assurances that the dog will be well taken care of.
You're the one who knows the individual circumstances, so things you haven't mentioned may affect your decision. You know what's best. Those are just my thoughts.
Thank you so much to all for your thoughts. After talking with friends and sponsor(s), I think I have a plan. I'll let you know how it goes and hopefully it will help someone else. And yes, the dog is my main concern. I don't give a darn about the material things.
