The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Now that my AH is in a treatment center far far away, I am finding myself to feel very sad. I think I have been so caught up in the madness of the alcohol and drugs so much that I have been unable to mourn the loss of my marriage and friendship with him until now. So here I am alone in an empty house because my kids are out with friends having fun (thankfully!). I am relieved he is not here because if he was he would be using and we would both be miserable. I am relieved he is alive because six days ago I thought I watched him die as I called 911. I think since this is the first time I have been alone with my thoughts for so long that all my emotions are pouring down on me. I filed for divorce three weeks ago, but I did that to save myself and my kids from his addictions. I don't want to be divorced from the man I fell in love with but I don't want to be married to the man who drinks, pops pills, and huffs. I can't do that one more second.
I miss him....the original him....will I ever see him again? Probably not. If he recovers will we be able to mend our relationship? If he recovers, will he relapse? If he recovers, will he want to be with me anymore? If he recovers will he have permanent brain damage from all the huffing? The thoughts are crowding my brain. I am not going to let this control my life the way his disease has controlled my life all these years. But tonight I am going to allow myself to have feelings and i am not going to feel bad about feeling sad for the loss of my hopes and dreams.
Hugs sending love and support. You are right where you need to be, it is ok. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I always feel better when I just let myself feel the feelings and walk through what is in front of me. After I face those feelings, its like a weight is lifted and I can keep going. Let the sadness happen and when you start to feel better, take a few minutes and do something for you. Even if its a cheesy movie or a bubble bath with some candles. Let yourself feel it so that you can move forward to the next step, whatever that may be. (((hugs)))
thanks for sharing..i can very well identify with that feeling of yours..you are not alone. In my case i try to keep heart and mind open...and let life bring me along surprises. And I'm thankful for EVERY person in my life, for they all have to teach something...and so do you. ((((imom)))
(((imom))...thankyou for sharing from the heart. Good for you to let allow yourself to feel the feelings instead of trying to bottle them, ignore them and all the other things we do so we dont have to feel the crappy stuff. I only started to acknowledge and accept these feelings, I beleive its only then once we acknowledge and accept the pain that we can really start to recover.
Much love and support
Simone x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
Imom, prayers for you and your family while you go through this. It's hard to know what will happen. If he is going to grasp onto recovery, he's going to be radically different...even from "the orriginal him."
I really appreciate all the prayers and words of encouragement and support. Last night was hard for me because it was the first time I have been alone with all of this. My first instinct was to call a friend or two or three. But I didn't. I am proud of myself for that. I needed to allow myself the time to feel alone sad and scared. I woke up today feeling grateful for the things I have. I am grateful my AH is in detox right now. I am grateful to be alive. Today i am going to spend the morning fixing myself up and then I am going to pick up my kids from their friends' houses and take them to the mall. I don't know what I would do without all of you. This is such an easy place to find comfort. Here's wishing all of you a grateful and peaceful day.
Hi Imom, I can sense the sadness in your post and I know how you feel. It is like you are in mourning. It is the death of your hopes and how you wanted your family life to turn out. For me, I also couldn't stay and watch my AH kill himself. It seems so unfair when all you want is a healthy family. I felt better as time went on because I accepted the truth. My AH is an alcoholic and his behaviour is related to that and so I will never have the life I had hoped for with him. I'm still sad about that and sometimes I fantasize that he will wake up and realise he has lost his family and he will do everything he can to get us back. However, this will never happen because I dont think it would matter what he does I will probably never trust him or me enough to go back. I must move forward and take the lessons with me. It gets easier and then better than you can imagine. Take care.x
For whatever this is worth... i have been on this forum griping, crying and yelling about my A in rehab...whether or not to visit him on family day- his letters etc. Yesterday, I did it- I made the drive to the facility and did the hour visit. Before I left I told myself that I cannot have any expections good or bad and that I would not beat myself up for going...
WOW! I AM SO HAPPY I WENT... I am still in shock as to the difference in my attitude towards him and towards myself after an hour of being around the person I fell in love with.. As crazy as this may sound- it is as if all of the "A" trauma and drama disappeared from my memory. Being around him as the person I fell in love with NOT the vodka induced alter ego I remembered why I loved him and clearly why I have tolerated behavior that no one on the outside can understand.
The soul ties that bonded us together in the first place aren't gone or dead they have just been missing in action thanks to alcohol.
Be patient with yourself and voice yourself here....This forum has saved my life on so many levels and made me grateful in a way I never thought possible.
But never give up on what your "gut" or heart is telling you...
