The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been feeling real down lately... I have many things that have been troubling me lately and I've been living them and making them my story.
I've caught myself during the last couple weeks of this grieving process that I'm going through smiling and telling people I'm doing well. Then when I went to a f2f meeting on Wednesday, a friend asked me how I'm doing and once again, I started to say "I'm good" in a cheerful voice, but then I stopped and said. "No... wait. I'm NOT good. I'm.... F.I.N.E." And all there at the meeting knew what I meant by that definition of "FINE"...
Freaked Out
Insecure
Neurotic and
Emotional
It was good to laugh with them about it and immediately some friends were offering me hugs. God I love face to face meetings, if only for the hugs!
I'm still practicing the honesty today, too. Woke up just still feeling weighed down by the things that are bothering me. I cannot say how many times I repeated the Serenity Prayer and the Third Step Prayer to myself when I caught my head just wanting to consistently chew and chew and chew at my grievences. I swung through the local Starbucks this morning and while I was waiting on my order, the barista girl asked me how I was doing. Again, I almost said "I'm good." but I just decided to be honest and said... "Not so great today, but thank you for asking." and she just smiled and gave me some words of encouragement. I pulled out of the store and just cried my eyes out in gratitude. See what happens when I let people know I'm not fantastic?
Then at work this morning a co-worker with whom I usually have a sort of guarded relationship with came by to talk to me about something and he looked at me and said "You look tired. Are you all right?" and I said, "Yeah. I'm tired, and no, I've not been okay. It's been a rough month." and again, this person with whom I'm usually butting heads gives me some kind words instead.
I'm just so grateful to see the inherit kindness in people's hearts. While my problems aren't solved or resolved, the kindness I've received from unexpected places has really helped me today.
A great lesson for me once again to just speak up and practice honesty. I don't need to unload all the whys on people, but hey - if I'm not feeling fantastic, I don't need to lie and say I am.
Aloha's life on life's terms? I know you got some good stuff coming cause I've seen you weather the storm before personally. If you had gotten into your vehicle and gone over to the highway and traveled north...taken a right at the saddle road cut off and headed over to Hilo I'd a had a hug waiting for you. What's a little 95 miles plus to get a hug between Al-Anon family? LOL Course you woulda had to do the 95 miles back and have a great excuse for why you didn't make it into work. Some times I get stuck in places I used to be stuck in and found a way out of with the program only to fall back in. I did my own version on Wednesday night and only let it last maybe 12 hours at most. I was surprised to admit that I fell off the wall and when I hit the ground I rolled into a pity pit. It was a good one until I realized both that I knew what it was and I knew lotsa ways to get out of it. Gave myself a few pats on the back and am now almost in the middle of the journey again. You ain't alone. (((((A Hui Ho)))))
As life seems to drain the hell out of me I think of all that I am thank for. I think of the good in my life, my son, a good job, a home, health, alanon etc. So many are less fortunate than I and it snaps me back to a better mood. Hope it works for you!!
I am grateful for my program because I know, too, that it gives me the tools to cut through the mental and emotional turmoil, But wow, sometimes that stuff just sticks real hard. I sometimes catch myself just getting exhausted with getting mad at myself for being exhausted and not "getting over it already."
Trying to live in acceptance.
Gratitude is a great thing, Heather. Been working at my gratitude journal the last couple days, too. Our Wednesday night meeting, too, was on the subject of sharing happiness and joy with others and I took that to heart and came into the office the following day with two dozen roses and gave all of my co-workers a rose just because. Maybe it was because I was hurting and just wanted to do something nice for someone. Of course the surprised expressions, smiles, thanks and a few hugs were just awesome. I'm glad I have the ability to do things like that.
Heavy emotions are still swamping over me, however, despite my good efforts. Just have to know "this, too, shall pass." Try to love myself and be gentle with myself as much as possible through it all.
