The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've learned to accept that my loved one's sobriey is literally "One Day at a Time." I've learned to let go when she's sober, and detach when she's not. Today is one of those in between days that I need to manage differently. She's struggling in her sobriety and I want to reach out to help. "Helping" looks like checking up on her emotional state, or trying to distract her with activities. I can color it prettier than trying to control her behaviour, but it rings familiar for me. It brings me back to my early days in Al-Anon of caretaking and worry.
The last time she decided to drink again, she called her A.A. friends. Watching the beauty of how alcoholics take care of alcoholics is such a reminder to me that I am not the one to help. Now is a perfect time for me to practice "hands off." I can attend to our relationship as I usually do, but not over-do to satisfy my fear. I can let information come to me, or not, about her life and not make our conversations an inquisition. I may need to even step back until I'm on firmer ground with my personal recovery.
Watching someone struggle is never easy. But struggling along with them is not the answer for me today. I can find peace in trusting there are greater powers than me that can aid her along this path. My job is to be a loving and compassionate witness to her life story, and to fully attend to the life that I've been given. Dealing with my own feelings and motivations helps me to "Live and Let Live."
By Terry C., Louisiana
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqts, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
Marvellous words indeed. A loving witness breathes weightless air. Exhales refreshment and ease. Becoming that overrides would be worries, fear, pain. Babies learn to walk in a year. This kind of walking could take the rest of my life to master. I am inspired to try. Thank you.
This is a great reading and well written. It still leaves me wondering though. I can see how this guy would be able to more easily detach when his wife is sober more often than not. But what about when your spouse is a daily drinker? At that point, you are basically trying to detach all the time right? So what's left in the relationship when you are supposed to detach when they are drunk (which may be daily)? I could see how people would use this as a guide to stay in a relationship with an active alcholic. In truth, it's a testament for how to deal with someone with a shaky recovery program. I know the basic alanon skills are the same but it's sort of complicated (in a program that preaches simplicity LOL)
Basically, I'm thinking that if a person is so far progressed in their alcoholism that they are getting wasted nightly, throwing up, peeing in corners on the carpet, cursing people out, being verbally and/or physically abusive, not taking care of themselves, not working.... That's not something you can really detach from other than to get away from it. Staying connected to it would seem to instantly turn into enabling because a person that progressed in their disease is almost totally consumed so to detach from the disease almost dictates detaching from the person. I know Alanon doesn't tell people to leave their qualifiers, but sometimes it does seem to encourage "detachment" from behaviors that I would consider unacceptable and folks maybe get confused about it. For example, this guy doesn't describe his wife getting in his face and screaming at him or screaming at their children or driving around drunk or so many of the behaviors that go right with drinking (for alcoholics). He describes it as though you can detach so easily from drinking and relapse, but it's not so easy when unacceptable behaviors almost inherently go with the drinking for an alcoholic. Maybe the whole purpose of alanon is for each person to figure out the right balance of detachment versus boundaries (or detachment along with boundaries) and each person needs to take that journey with the group and with their HP? This is my understanding of detachment and how alanon works to this date.
When my A is active I can not stay and watch, I always tell him I love him but I have to protect myself from the disease.
I understand he is ill but that he knows where to get help , I can not help because I am not an A.
When he stops and is in recovery we live together and have a relationship then my detachment takes another form I have to focus on myself and my recovery and leave him to hp.
this is working for me it is not advice to anyone. When he is active I do not get hurt anymore, other people step in and enable usually, then when they have been burnt enough the step away then he goes to recovery. He states today he is done I HOPE SO!!!
but that his journey I am in contact with my Hp I am tryng to improve myself because I am far from perfect hugs tracy xxx
I struggled to understand the detachment thing for a long time and then figured that I needed to detach from AH's odd behaviour. The thing is that he would drink almost every day from 10am. So I got on with my life as best I could and spent most of the time fairly detached from our relationship. The consequence has been pretty bad for our relationship and of course I'm pretty clueless about what a normal relationship is! We are trying to work things out now but I think that I am finding that it is a lot harder for me to make up with him as a result of staying. I made all my choices fairly consciously I think but I never, ever, foresaw the changes that I would experience in my own perceptions of our marriage. So if I were to be taking this journey again I would hope that someone would flag up to me that sometimes it better to physically detach and still love the man than it is to stay too long and fall out of love.
Great information and share Terry C. Much needed today as I work each day to continue to build up my Own strength and resolve to stay detached with love in order to help my AD.
This is a great reading and well written. It still leaves me wondering though. I can see how this guy would be able to more easily detach when his wife is sober more often than not. But what about when your spouse is a daily drinker? At that point, you are basically trying to detach all the time right? So what's left in the relationship when you are supposed to detach when they are drunk (which may be daily)? I could see how people would use this as a guide to stay in a relationship with an active alcholic. In truth, it's a testament for how to deal with someone with a shaky recovery program. I know the basic alanon skills are the same but it's sort of complicated (in a program that preaches simplicity LOL)
Basically, I'm thinking that if a person is so far progressed in their alcoholism that they are getting wasted nightly, throwing up, peeing in corners on the carpet, cursing people out, being verbally and/or physically abusive, not taking care of themselves, not working.... That's not something you can really detach from other than to get away from it. Staying connected to it would seem to instantly turn into enabling because a person that progressed in their disease is almost totally consumed so to detach from the disease almost dictates detaching from the person. I know Alanon doesn't tell people to leave their qualifiers, but sometimes it does seem to encourage "detachment" from behaviors that I would consider unacceptable and folks maybe get confused about it. For example, this guy doesn't describe his wife getting in his face and screaming at him or screaming at their children or driving around drunk or so many of the behaviors that go right with drinking (for alcoholics). He describes it as though you can detach so easily from drinking and relapse, but it's not so easy when unacceptable behaviors almost inherently go with the drinking for an alcoholic. Maybe the whole purpose of alanon is for each person to figure out the right balance of detachment versus boundaries (or detachment along with boundaries) and each person needs to take that journey with the group and with their HP? This is my understanding of detachment and how alanon works to this date.
Interested in hearing others' thoughts on this.
Very well said! We actually read this exact blurb at my meeting this week. I wish you had been there, this is exactly the thoughts the were bubbling inside but I couldn't get out.
For me all growth in the program is progress and not perfection. Detachment has never been an absolute for me. The more I listen with an open mind the more I listen. My experiences with detachment are also different that those of the others in fellowship and over time we combine and compare how we "do the program" ..."for me". When I was learning part of my learning and then a great deal more of it wasn't because of "her" it was because I found value in what I was being shown in the program which I could use in my alcoholic/addict relationship - and - in many other events and places in my life. I didn't only "detach" from my alcoholic. I chose to detach from many people, places and things which captured and threatened my spirit. I learned to detach from global wars and the war within my living room...I was as powerless over many goings on in life and in my life. Detachment kept me out of the trauma and drama of my brother and sisten-in-laws divorce. It kept me out of the trauma and drama of my nieces emergencies from drunken driving accidents and my brothers rant and vent about it. I made suggestions he didn't take and I dropped it after I made the suggestion. Detachment keepts me in my yard and away from the fence trying to look over my neighbors yard and making "you should" suggestions about how to keep it green and mowed. With detachment I take less time and do quicker work on keeping my side of the street clean. Detachment is the door that leads me out of the room of contention into the sunlight and air of freedom from and freedom to. It is learned over time of focus and willingness and humility. For me again all of those are requirements to gain and maintain detachment. (((hugs)))
