The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I understand .Hurtful destructive comments do hurt because we are human and want to be appreciated and respected especially by our loved ones One of the best ways I found to respond to these comments is to validate myself - If someone does not like my cooking I could say I like it I followed the recipe and think it turned out well. If cleaning or shopping are under attack merely stating I plan on getting to that this week or Been busy doing xxx but I have it planned to get to it tomorrow.
By validating myself I did not abandon myself and felt supported. It also helps to make an asset list each day and review it often
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 8th of February 2013 08:28:15 AM
Why does my now sober AH hurtful words STILL break my heart?! Why does his comments of my cooking, cleaning, etc still hurt? Why can't I seem to develop a thicker skin? I'm calming down sooner than I did in the past. I don't get defensive and start shooting nasty comments back all the time (emphasis on all the time) like I used to. I know the program is working for me. I just wish I could get past this one road block.
I never want to get such a thick skin such that I just tolerate that kind of stuff. For me the "thick skin" would come in the form of not being emotionally wrecked but stating repeatedly that a boundary has been crossed. I would not fling insults back (ideally) but the thick skin would come in the form of "That is unacceptable" and then it would be made clear that I would leave, stop cooking, cleaning...and I would STICK to that if the boundary was crossed.
He will likely come at you trying to argue when you stick to your boundary or state the behavior is not acceptable. That is when you can detach as best as possible, not argue, and be true to yourself. You don't deserve to be anyone's verbal punching bag. Period.
I totally get this share wow, newly sober or not working a programme my partner becomes very critical. When he is going to lots of meetings working the steps he is so lovely. Same can be said for me when I am off my programme concentrating on him I become critical rather than looking at watch i can control change.
I agree with Pinchip if you just let it happen it says it is o.k.
I tell my partner I am leaving the room while he is being critical, I have done my best. I told him everytime u do this I will remove myself and I did.
It happened less and less. When he is tired overworked he can sometimes slip back. It happened the other night in front of his sponsor he was short with me, he sponsor made a coment and I laugh and said it had gone over my head and left the room, later on he was lovely ( his way of making amends). When they put the drink down they are still very ill they need AA help and to work the steps. I have some friends who live with Dry alcoholics who do not work a programme they can be horrible at time.
Thank God my parter is trying cause do not think I could live with it lobg term, just as hard as active drinking.
take your medicine lots of meetings hugs tracy xxxx
I'm with Pinkchip here. I struggle with this, as well, because my AH is the master of snide comments, sarcasm, and what he sees as funny jokes are actually barbs against my cooking, shopping, cleaning, raising of our child, etc. I had the opportunity to say "That is unacceptable" just 2 days ago. I provided my son with a food bar even though he had one in his tennis bag. My AH says, "There goes your mother, the enabler." I shot him a look and told him it was unacceptable and then he realized he crossed the line. He then says, "I would have said that to anyone, not just to you." I responded with, "You know I'm working on that and you know it's a word that you've used before to hurt me. Try another line next time." And, then I left the room.
We can communicate without yelling or throwing insults back. Have you read the book , "The Dance of Anger"? It's not Al Anon literature but it's got some very good insight as to how we communicate in relationships and suggestions on how to make it better.
As a funny aside, my AH has made these comments:
"Your chicken is always too moist!" Umm, isn't chicken supposed to be moist? I guess he's one of those people who like dry chicken, LOL! "You use too much balsamic vinegar!" OK, I then started using olive oil and herbs and guess what he complained about then? "Why are you using that wooden spoon? It's not big enough to stir your stew. What the heck are you thinking?" Now, this comment comes from a man who only uses a spatula to make scrambled eggs. I've never seen him cook a soup, stew, braise a meat, stir fry vegetables, bake a cake, etc. How on earth was I supposed to take that comment? I think I have tons more experience in the kitchen than he does and my 14 year old always tells me he loves my cooking so I keep that in mind whenever AH wants to start the verbal warfare.
Honestly, I started bringing meals to a friend with cancer and they loved my cooking. It gave me gratification to know that I was doing something nice for them and that my cooking was at least appreciated somewhere. Maybe you can contact a local church and see if they have shut ins or members who need meals. There's always a need for stuff like this.
As for the cleaning, he always knew how to do it better than me. So, one day I said, "If you know how to do it better, you can take care of it from now on." He shut up after that one and after I chose not to clean the bathroom for a few weeks time.
Also, I can related to Amyclaire's post! My AH criticizes my family constantly. Yes, they are weird and new agey but they are the most wonderful loving people you will ever meet. He also accuses me of cheating at least once a month or so. It's all part of his own low self image, and I remind myself of this when the barbs start coming. He will say, "You're mother cheated on your father, that means you'll do it too." My AH is actually much nicer when he's drunk than when he's sober, go figure.
Anyway, I posted this thread to let you ladies know that you are not alone. Keep reading your Al Anon literature, pray for your A's in your life, and then go out and live yours in serenity. Peace to you all today!
I really wanted to respond to this earlier .. I can soooo relate to the issue of taking things personally especially with the kids (his comments about my parenting), the house (nothing is ever done to his liking) now the man doesn't even live in the same house with me. So why should I let it bother me .. of course it does!! It feels like an attack, it feels like one more person telling me I'm not good enough, it feels so not good.
What I am really trying to learn to do is QTIP the situation (Quit Taking It Personally). These are HIS issues not mine. Could I be a better house keeper .. probably .. do I have to me .. ONLY if it suits me and I feel better about myself. I no longer have to worry about what makes him happy about the situation. The trick is I never did, .. I thought I did .. I only need to be responsible for my own personal happiness not anyone elses. It's truly none of my business what someone else thinks of me. My children are happy, healthy and spit fires on a stick .. they ROCK!! If he has an issue with that ... it's HIS issue NOT mine!!!
It does get better, .. keep coming back, BIG HUGS OF SUPPORT
P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you all! It's amazing how even when we feel alone, we're not! And we're all going thru similar stuff. I remember asking a few Alanon members if they were married to my husband too because it seems like most alcoholics act the same!
Thank you for the reminders how to deal with my feelings! It's a constant struggle but it is getting easier.
Hugs!
I was glad to come on this thread as my on/off active-drinking partner was throwing around hurful words, I guess designed to get me into an argument. I mainly resisted this, excused myself from the room and logged in here.
It did make me smile to see QTIP and it helped to repeat this to myself as he continued ranting. It was heartening and sad to see that so many people around alcoholics are familiar with this behaviour. Seeing a post that linked it back to the alcoholics low self esteem did really help me not to take it personally.
However I do think continued ranting in my home atmosphere does take a toll on me. In my time in al anon (about 18 months) I am very proud of my progress in being much less of a victim of situations and it's great to have learnt this about myself and found ways to react differently. I would still prefer not to be in the situation of having a loved one rant angrily at me so frequently as it does take time to deal with, time that could be spent being peaceful and communicating well.
I guess that's a choice for another day to consider if I want to stay with that behaviour.
Today I am grateful that I am a member of al anon and can have access to wise choices of action and thought that really do help. Thanks.
