The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ever since I began moving forward with my own life, filed for divorce, and my HP intervened with a whopping incident causing major change, things have been changing very fast. My A is leaving for a treatment center tomorrow (God willing). I am still skeptical that he actually makes it there. I have found myself in nesting mode. I keep cleaning and getting things in order. I keep trying to not think about the future. I hear from some people that I need to keep going forward with the divorce and move on with my life. On the other hand, I have also heard that if I continue to pursue the divorce and he gets served the papers in rehab he might walk out. I know it's not in my control what he does, but I want him to get better. I would love to hear from those who have been there how things have gone in a similar situation. Right now he hates me and won't look at me or talk to me....and it really isn't bothering me so much because I am still really upset with him as well. I know we both have a lot of healing to do on our own before we can begin to heal any kind of relationship with each other. Please share esh with me. This is going to be a long hard journey. At least this journey is finally beginning after so many years I stay staying stuck in the same old nasty place together.
My AH has been sober for four and a half months due to a legal altercation. Holy crap, were we ever pissed at each other right after his altercation! Then for a short time, we were so close and strong. We stood together like a solid team. I envisioned everything was going to change, and be perfect, and he would be like a new man (the man I wanted him to be). But then it changed again and now it feels like we're just getting by. We don't talk about our feelings much. I tend to walk on eggshells whenever he's moody and quiet. We're both tense. (I think a lot of this has to due with the fact that next week he has to face his legal obligations.)
I read somewhere awhile back in some Alanon literature, that you shouldn't make a decision on your marriage right away. Take time for yourself. To heal yourself. To get strong. Don't try and sort out all of your marital problems at once. Sort out yourself first. Go to a meeting if you can. Talk to your higher power. Journal your thoughts. Talk to yourself. Put him in the hands of your loving higher power and focus on yourself. Use this time, while he's in treatment and busy with recovery, to work on your own recovery.
I'm the type of person who isn't willing to give up on things easily. I'm strong willed, stubborn, and bull headed. I'm not willing to let my marriage go without a fight. We still have days where I want to tell him off and grab my kids and just leave. My thinking on those days is, it wasn't the booze, he was just born with the personality of an asshole. I float back and forth between loving him and silently vowing to always stand beside him, to feeling such contempt and hatred towards him I can envision braining him with a cast iron skillet. (My imagination helps me deal with frustration.) On these days, I try so hard to let things go. I pray. I read some Alanon stuff. I say the slogans over and over again. I journal.
And believe it or not...I think it's actually working.
From a "business" standpoint and experience (71K in legal fee's..my part) I absolutely would not have those papers served to him while he is in rehab... Why? because those working at the facility can be and most likely will be called as expert witness on his behalf. Those individuals carry a tremendous amount of weight within the system due to their "medical" credentials. Â Trust me his legal team will throw you in front of the bus for "interferring with his recovery, discount your credibility etc..." Hold off until he is out of recovery and keep in mind anything you say and do will be twisted and used against you... start your own paper trail- but keep it private. The legal system is not emotionally fair and justice is dished out through the eyes of the judge...whom can and will "in
in al anon they say if you are not sure you do not have to do anything.
I agree that you both need to heal and recover, sounds like his journey may just be beginning, hand him over to Hp.
What canyou do to help yourself heal. when my partner went to rehab it gave me the opportunity to get to know me, to heal me, to learn what recovery could do for me. You do not have to make any big disicions until you know 100%.
Our minds become a muddle due to alcoholism, al anon helps us starihten our thinking out so we can make healthy decisions.
