The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hear you and understand the experience of loosing a loved one to this dreadful disease. As you are aware, alcoholism is a progressive disease over which we are powerless. We who live with this disease have been adversely affected by it and need a program of recovery of our own. Alanon is that program. Alanon was founded by the wife of the founder of AA and has helped thousands who, like you, have experienced the pain of living with alcoholism.
Face to Face meetings are held in most communities and can be located by calling the hotline number in the white pages. In alanon I learned too: break the isolation caused by interacting with alcoholism,and develop new constructive tools to live by. I was given literature to read, slogans to practice, a sponsor to help me understand and the 12 Steps of AA to help me to develop a new inner response system. I learned how to act and not react and to trust a Higher Power in all my affairs
Recovery is a choice---- I pray you check out the meetings and keep coming here.
There is hope.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 7th of February 2013 09:14:36 AM
I come from a long line of alcholics & addicts - uncles, grandfathers, father, 2 brothers, 1 sister...
My 25 year old brother died December 15, 2011 of liver failure after living for years addicted to mainly alcohol and opiates. 2 weeks later I began working as a substance abuse counselor for mostly court mandated cases. I've lived a productive life & have worked on the grieving process a lot. I don't ignore it, I don't bottle it, I don't avoid it. I confront it & I let it all out either by writing, talking, listening to therapeutic songs, exercising, spending time in nature.. I feel like I'm getting through it.
But not all of us are. My sister attempted suicide December 17, 2012 and almost succeeded. I faced the terror that I had lost her for a full 10 minutes while I rushed to the hospital. Then I faced the terror that I would lose her. Then I faced the tragic thought that my love for her wasn't enough to make her stay. Then I promised myself that I would do EVERYTHING in my power to help her this time and she moved in with me & my boyfriend. But she has gone down this terrible path. She thinks that drinking herself stupid every day is a way to honor our brother's life because "he would be right here with me". But the reality is, before he died, he told me - he told everyone - that he was tired of living like he did and that he wanted to get help. He no longer had a choice. He told me that he looked up to me for choosing a different path. I had an entirely opposite reaction as my sister. While he was in the hospital, I was absolutely DISGUSTED that she went to the bar and ordered drinks while we were out to eat. Appalled, it absolutely made me SICK. I have drank alcohol one night - New Year's 2012 - since he died and I found myself not really able to stop after just one or two, so I didn't pick up another drink again. I know what's in my blood. I know where it will lead me. Anyway, she broke down the other day and admitted that she can not stop drinking. She admitted that she wants to but can't. She wants to enroll in counseling, but has no license (DUI) to get there, so I'm trying to set her up with free counseling & rides; but I think she really needs in-patient. She was baker acted in December but wasn't open to the help, so it didn't help.
I guess I came here for support. As a counselor, I am really not supposed to share any of this with my clients but sometimes it's overwhelming and I slip up because I really need a positive support group. I work a lot, so I don't have much time to attend the local meetings.
I know what Al anon is, but am not really sure what it can do for me. My heart is broken, my anxiety is through the roof, and I don't know how much more I can take. Please help.
Glad you came to these boards--you will find a ton of support here. I am sorry to hear of your loss, and hopeful for you and your sister...alanon will help you work on yourself, kep the focus on you, especially as you are living with your sister's disease. If getting to meetings is difficult, the online meetings occur here twice a day in the chatroom, and I have found them to be extremely helpful.
Keep coming back--wishing you and your family well
I am new to this board and Al-anon but not to living with an A. I hear you. I understand your frustration, anxiety, disgust, and all that. I think this group is meant to give strength and encouragement. Help you care for yourself. I get the impression that caring and listening to one another opens doors and windows, lets the good air in and the stinkin thinkin out. I am sure some oldtimers here will give you a little more than i can. Do what you can for yourself today, breath, take a nap, pray, whatever works. You will then be better able to help your sister. I wish you the best.
Brit - I am also a counselor and perhaps one of the biggest things I've learned in my journey in AA and Alanon is that I absolutely need this type of support or I burn out and my boundaries slip up all over the place. You cannot help everyone. There is a time when you have to stop being counselor (in the rest of your life) and take care of yourself first and foremost. You are doing an important job and have been gifted with abilities to help others. I spent many years trying to do that without taking care of me and it was so so so draining. Alanon is a perfect place to help you figure out your boundaries, to channel your "helping" energy in the right way, and to just get focused on what you need to do for you instead of others. Amazingly, you will become a much better version of yourself if you make the time for alanon...this also includes becoming a better counselor (in my experience). When you are spiritually fit, you are better at all things and more able to help. So ironically - self-care is the way to be the best counselor and person you can be (not constantly helping others - which I am not necessarily saying you are doing but you get my drift I hope...)
Your work is tough - When you come home you are going to need a sanctuary. The LAST thing you need is more exposure to exactly what you are doing at work. That is a recipe to have your spirit drained and to be unhappy. After a few more years in the field, you will realize that you are also powerless to stop any of your clients from being addicts/alcoholics as well. You can plant seeds and you can help them channel their own recovery if they are open to it, but you have no power over them being ready or wanting to change. Detachment is a great skill that Alanon really helps us refine. Do this for you.
I've learned over and over again and again that it is not my responsibility to make sure the A gets to meetings or appointments. I have to let the A figure it out for his- or herself, otherwise I'm putting my serenity at risk because I'm assuming responsibility for what is not mine.
AA members will gladly pick up and give a ride to an AA meeting anyone who sincerely asks for help. You may want to just give your sister the telephone number to your local AA intergroup and leave the rest up to her. She should also be able to figure out how to pick up the phone and call for a cab or look up a local bus schedule so she can get herself to a counseling appointment. None of her appointments are your responsibility, nor is it your responsibility to get her from point A to point B.
I've learned that if I do all of these things for the A, then I rob them of experiencing what it's like to take care of things themselves and getting the satisfaction of knowing they're doing something good for themselves.
Glad you came here. You're doing what's right for YOU, and that's real important.
You are a nurturer, and you are used to being there for others in their time of need. We are all here, in some shape or form, as people who are in need to support and encouragement. You give to others with your counseling, and I'm sure you understand the importance of the advice and encouragement you give. So, why don't you deserve the same?
There is a weath of experience here from so many different angles of this disease. I'm glad you found us. Please keep coming.
I am glad you reached out to this group. I have been a therapist for many years and absolutely exhausted myself with my work and living with an addict (second marriage). My pride kept me away from al anon...I lived with the humiliation that "I should have known better" than marry an addict..I felt so much shame. The diseases of addictions keep us isolated and my addiction to co-dependency kept me in my own prison. Free yourself and go to face to face meetings. I used to make excuses that I was too busy, then I realized that my busyness was another addiction and my lack of attention to myself was abusive. I am a much better therapist these days and I love my life when I don't get into other people's business. I feel your fear of losing another sibling; perhaps you will find some peace with 12-step recovery work. I wish for you peace...
Welcome Britbug, A dear friend said to me once 'take care of yourself because you can't give from an empty cup and boy do you want to give'. I think that my friend was right because I know that I was a lot more helpful to my dying mother once I had taken some time out for myself I'm not surprised you are anxious, it sounds to me as though you have been through an awful lot whilst giving your energy and strength so generously to so many other people.
I live with an alcoholic who I love very much. As you know that creates a lot of stress!
One of my most useful tools to cope with that stress came after I invested a quiet half an hour and set myself up with a little mental trick (a form of self hypnosis I guess). Strange as it sounds, it turned out to be fabulous for me and all I need to do now when the stress gets too much is say two words and fairly instantly my stomach stops churning and my mouth relaxes. I even start to smile. You probably know enough about these things to know if it would work for you or not but just in case it might be useful the basic outline was...
1. Imagine you are in a place you really like - picture that place in as much detail as you can (for me this was a spot in a beautiful valley that I know) 2. Now imagine people you love and who love you being there with you. Imagine they are looking at you and smiling with so much love in their eyes (for me this was my parents (both deceased btw), a best friend, my brother and my dog!) 3. Now imagine a smell you love filling the air (mine was lavender) 4. Now think of a colour (I chose blue) 5. Now think of a shape (... a triangle for instance) 6. Finally, whilst thinking of all those people that you love being in that beautiful space with you surrounded by that magical smell... fill your shape with your colour and picture that, say the colour and shape out loud as you do it.
Now, when I can't sleep or I'm so stressed that I want to scream I say (either to myself or out loud) 'blue triangle'. Thats it. And it works for me every time. (I'm obviously easily influenced )
I hope it helps.
Sending you a huge supportive hug and lots of calm peaceful thoughts.
Aloha britbug...welcome also to the board and to the Al-Anon Family. I am also a former alcoholism/substance abuse therapist and I am a "double"; a member of both programs Al-Anon and AA. You know your family history with alcohol and you have seen it, listen to it, felt it, watched it and behaved with it all your life. That is the tap root of our family tree...addiction. You speak of your family and at the same time speak of mine however the change has taken place when you entered into recovery thru the MIP door. We know where we come from and here and in the face to face rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups we become so aware of the disease and ourselves within the disease that we learn many and valuable lessons on how to prevent the disease from taking the rest of our lives and then for me being a therapist I was able to give away so much of what I learned in the rooms to my clients without having to mention the name of the program. Keep coming back here often and share with us how the program is working in your life so that it might help us also as we help each other. I am sad with you about your losses. I have experienced those losses and so much insanity along with it while learning "I didn't Cause it, Cannot Control it, and will not Cure it" which are the 3cees of Al-Anon. (((((hugs)))))
Welcome to MIP! You will find support here and in face to face Alanon meetings. Alanon is for family and friends of alcoholics. But certainly there is help and support for other addictions too. I have found that the more I get it out, the more I recover. Grab some of the literature and find some meetings. And keep coming back.
I am amazed at the overwhelming response everyone has provided! & Also at how many other counselors are out there, I could definitely use the techniques & words thrown out here. I haven't stopped repeating the three c's ever since I read them. I'm going to try the "meditation" technique today. I also have been thinking a lot about how I'm "abusing" myself as someone mentioned by working so much and not taking time to myself. It's true.. I've been working 55-80 hours each week for the past 5 months. It's season here in sunny Florida & my second job is as an overnight Front Desk Agent. My counseling job just offered me full-time. It's less money, no benefits; but it's really my passion. I absolutely love what I do, especially group counseling. So I think I'm going to cut my ties with the overnight job; take time to meditate, attend some meetings, and really work on ME. My boyfriend is also an alcoholic, but he's been sober for 2.5 years (we've been together 5). He is my support, my everything; without him, I'd be lost. And even though his parents are full blown alcoholics as well, he doesn't quite understand my family and their drama.
My chest has been hurting & my stomach flipping upside down so often lately with this anxiety, I've never had so much in my life. The night before last, my sister drove to Wal-Mart drunk with a suspended license & she's already faced charges for driving with it suspended and is on probation. She will go to jail if she gets caught, and I'm not to the point that I want her to yet. I want to save her still, but I have to keep repeating my new mantra, the three C's. I didn't cause it; I can't control it; and will not cure it. Then tonight, she didn't even come home when she said she'd be home at around 7pm yesterday after crying about what an idiot she is to my boyfriend, her words - not mine. I have no idea where she is & she has a dog & cat that are her sole responsibilities, but they sit in cages when she's not home and it's not fair at all. It's her decision to get rid of them or not, but how long can I watch these animals suffer before I step in and do some enabling by taking care of her responsibilities? Or before I just get rid of them for her & have her be mad at me forever? I don't know, so I just keep waiting for something to change.
I can't thank every single one of you that responded enough. Throughout the day I checked the responses on my phone and couldn't wait to come online and thank you all. It honestly helped me get through the day. I hope you all realize what a difference you made to me.
