Hi. I'm 27 years old, and my husband is 38 years old. We have to beautiful children. 5 year old son, and 3 year old daughter.

I met my husband when I was 18, and he was 28. I knew he was a drug addict (he was on drug offenders probation), but love was love, and I knew what I was in for. Previously before his arrests, he was a heroine injector. But because of probation, we all know of course, AS LONG AS YOU HAVE AN RX, YOUR OK! God I hate the system! I knew a lot about addiction (I grew up with an older sister, that eventually lost her life to it). We had minor issues with pill selling the first year, and then he was arrested again a week before our wedding. Red flag right? Yes, I still married the man. He had his moments, late nights, nodding off to sleep, slurrring his words, etc. (He had a horrid hip injury in high-school, which pretty much started his addiction). We decided to try for children, and quickly got pregnant with my son. His addiction got worse, almost 2 years later, my daughter was born. Things have just spiraled down since then. He's never home. Wakes up at the crack of dawn and doesn't come till 10pm or even past midnight. He works for himself as a handy-man. He never brings home any money, but he's always working???? It doesn't make sense to me. He says he only takes pain patches for his hip, and nothing else. But I cannot believe him. I've found needles and spoons, and blue pill residue (which I believe to be roxycodone). His arms, and hands are extremely obvious. I confront him, and he always says they're just scratches. I've found these drug paraphernalia, and blood spatters around the house, none to which he can explain. I'm just "CRAZY" as he puts it. Whenever he his home, which isn't often, he's dead asleep, or walks around like a slow moving zombie, with his eyes closed. Dropping things, drooling, etc. 

Now I know I've confronted him, and accused him abruptly, which I know will just put him in a defensive stance, but I've always nicely approached him, pouring my heart out to him, that I AM HERE for him. I WANT to help him. I want to SUPPORT him, etc. But he just denies that he's not taking anything else. Whenever he is conscience at home, and not asleep, he's constantly on the phone or texting. I don't believe it's cheating, it's drugs. I'm not an idiot. Any person can look at him, and know exactly what's going on. There's no hiding it.

Now what I haven't mentioned, is that, a year ago, I cheated on him. I know there's no justifying my actions, as a married woman, but I was lonely. The man that I loved so deeply, abandoned me, and our children. I wanted to feel loved, desired. To me, our marriage was over. He would go days without coming home. I was alone. I soon after told him, because of how guilty I felt. He then admitted going on a binge, and blamed me. We separated for a few months (I still saw no difference in his behaviors or group of people he associated with). We hired divorce attorneys, and were about to file the papers, when we decided to reunite. Yes, I broke my wedding vow. He brings it up all the time, and I feel like the worst scum on the bottom of your shoe for doing what I did. But what about all the other wedding vows? Look at all the ones he's broken. He's never here for me, or his children. I take blame and responsibility for what I did, but he till this day refuses to take any responsibility for anything else.

I don't know what to do. My children are suffering. They never get to see their dad, and when he is home, he's not really 'here'. I put the kids to bed every night, and watch and listen to their heartbreaks, when I tell them daddy isn't coming home. I call and text him all day, and I never get a response. He comes up with the weirdest excuses all the time. Addicts are the best liars and manipulators. I know that first-hand with dealing with my sister who passed from drug addiction. 

I need help. I love this man more than my life. I want to help him. But I know I can't help him, if he doesn't want the help, or if he truly hasn't reached bottom. He's on probation now, so I feel at this point, it's either death, or prison. Neither which I want at all. 

We have no connection. No hugging, kissing, or sex. Not even any real communication, because he never can have a coherent one. He just denies he has a problem, and that he takes nothing else other than his prescribed pain patches for his hip (true problem). I feel helpless. I cry all day long, and then when I finally see him, if and when he comes home, I'm furiously angry. 

This is not a household I want my children to grow up in. I want a good example for them. I don't want them to be subjected to this environment, and grow up thinking that this is what a 'healthy' relationship should be between two people. 

I sit here, typing faster than the speed of light, in tears, heartbroken, and at a crossroad. I cannot imagine my life without him. All I want to do is help, that's all I want. Every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie, and he tries to manipulate me, by turning a situation around, and making it all my fault. Sometimes I believe him, but deep down, I'm not the one, strapping his arms and hands down and melting down those other pain pills, (roxy's or methadone, etc), and shooting them in his arms. That's on him, not me. 

The sad part is, I really think he doesn't care anymore. If I say I want to go through with the divorce, he'll say FINE, I can guarantee it, and he'll fight for custody. The man has a felony record beyond belief. The children would not be safe with him, and he doesn't even really give two s***s about them, but he would fight for custody just to spite me I'm sure. 

I've given him the ultimatum, that he can see I'm so miserable, and he's so called 'miserable', because all I do is try to talk about the drugs, rehab, help etc, that I suggested we just split, so he can go his way, do his own thing, and not be nagged, and I can go my way, and start my own healing. He disagree's with that. He just plainly states "i'm NOT doing drugs, and you need to stop worrying about me."

Like right now, he just came home, it's 12:30AM, he's been gone since 5AM. He went out to have a cigarette, and now he's asleep on the hood of his truck. :(:::::::

I know this is long, and I bet nobody will read it, but I pray that if someone does....you can at least offer me words of comfort. I know I'm not alone in this situation, and sometimes I blame myself, because I knew what I was getting into. (We've been married 8 years now, 9 years together). I feel like I've brought my children into a horrible situation, and under selfish circumstances. (I was so foolish, and I knew it back then too, that bringing a child into the world would fix him up....yeah right. I knew better, I just wanted to ignore it.)

Anything, any words...to help ease me through my pain...I can't take it anymore. I'm heartbroken, and angry...