The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I read that 90% of people in 12-step recovery can identify with self-sabotage. Not necessarily with substances but EMOTIONAL Self-sabotage.
What are your experiences on why we do this and how to stop repeating it?
Before alanon and working the Steps I found that II self sabotage whenever I enabled and placed someone's else's need/ wants over my own I held the false belief that it was my job to take care of others and it is their job to take care of me.
"If I can make the other person healthy and or , happy" then they in turn will owe me and will "Take are of me.
I do this because much like the cartoon John posted I do not want to take care of myself .
How did I stop.? I joined alanon, worked the steps with a sponsor and continue to keep coming back,
I needed to be needed so I self sabotaged by taking care of the hubby and living his life. As he fell down the rabbit-hole of alcoholism I couldn't follow and felt horrible. He wanted me to take care of him. I learned to leave him to his HP and I started to take care of me. When I have a "slip" it is because I try to do for others what they can and should do for themselves. I do this because I don't respect their abilities to do for themselves and I want to elevate myself.
This is exactly what I heard at the alanon meeting today. In AA I hear a deeper explanation: that we do it because we simply don't think we deserve better. We are also afraid of change (even good change!) We are afraid of moving forward in life and accepting all the good God has to offer us. Ego "protects" us from all this fear by subconsciously shooting ourselves in the foot so we stay in pain then use that pain as an excuse not to face the fears.
Of course there are many people/things we can lean on but those are just surfaces of the underlying issues.
THAT IS INDEED A VALABLE OBSERVATION AS TO THE REASON WE SELF SABATOGE.
AFRAID OF CHANGE AND LACKING SELF ESTEEM( NOT BELIEVING WE DESERVE MORE) ARE CETAINLY A VALID EXPLANATION. THIS SEEMS TO INDICATE THE EXACT NATURES OF OUR WRONG WHEN IT COMES TO NOT WANTING TO CARE FOR MYSELF AND BEING WILLING TO CARE FOR OTHERS .
Thank you all, yes I also can relate and identify with this explanation...self-sabotage is indeed a huge WRONG that I harm myself with...the good news: because it lies within me it can be lifted! self-care has become such a healing way of being since I joined Al Anon. good point! (((all)))
No, it's definitely not easy. I went back through some of my old journal entries from 5-7 years ago. There was always an ongoing theme. Me being ticked off about my AH's behavior(and this was even when he was NOT drinking) and asking God to do something about it. I kept giving AH over to God in my journal writings but none of my writings held ME accountable for my own misery. I wanted God to fix him, to soften his heart, and while these are OK things to pray for for someone else, I still had a responsibility to care for myself to release myself from the responsibility of taking care of AH or of skirting his emotions, issues, etc. I had things backwards for so many years and it's through Al Anon that I'm learning to take charge of my own life, no matter what my AH does or doesn't do.
Self sabotage - oh yes! I've put other peoples needs above my own to the point where I didn't know who I was any more, and to the point where I've disabled them as well as myself. I have felt that I deserved better - but then expected someone else to see my misery and effect change without my taking responsibility for defending my own self respect. I've neglected my self care. I've looked for the problems and overlooked the opportunities. I've hidden in exhaustion.
I remember as quite a young girl thinking that I would prefer to be a supporter - it clearly starts early!!
Thank goodness it is a beautiful and distracting world out there!
Great topic, great insights here. I think I stayed in pain because I was scared to try
In case I failed. Also it made me feel better or superior to have someone need me. It's
Quite hard to admit that. I played a huge part in my own troubles.
