The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi Gingerbread I have been where you are.... I was married to an active alcoholic and I couldn't cope with his behaviour. Unlike you we had 3 children. I think WE as well as our alcoholics have to reach our own rock bottom. I accepted life as it was and just how you describe,,,for years. I reached mine when my husbands behaviour directly affected our children. I became clearer and clearer that HIS needs far outweighed those of his children at that time....and that just was not acceptable.
We seperated at that point and were seperated for over 2 years. We got the deci nici and were 2 weeks of the Absolute. I told people that the only way I would ever go back was if he had a brain transplant.... This was NOT an easy decision even then. I'm Catholic and walking away from a marriage is frowned on. But I was losing ME...My head was simply filled with this lies, manipulations and controls. I was losing my own sanity.
But then he found his own way to AA that had nothing to do with me. I had completely let go and was actually enjoying being single. He found sobriety and worked his way through that first insane 6 months without me believing he was sober.
The change in him eventually was completely unmissable. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. I found myself not able to ignore the changes.
At that point we began 'dating' again and we were able to slowly re-build our relationship. In sobriety we have been back together now for over 5 years. Its not simply sailing LOL....there is no fairy tale ending. He still has his obsessions and ISM's, but while BOTH of us are working this program we have a real relationship. I can make an honest decision every day, one day at a time and WANT to stay.
My point is I think that we can only live one day at a time. If this is too much for you today....its ok to care for your own needs and become single.....that doesn't mean you don't care.....and it doesn't mean that another one day you might feel differently....and thats ok too. (of course in some cases the A doesn't want to return to a broken marriage)
We have to learn how to detach and build our own boundaries.... We do not have to accept unacceptable behaviour. We don't HAVE to leave them to achieve this of course. Many manage within the active situation. I couldn't. And thats ok.... We're all different.
We have to say what we mean and mean what we say. Theres no point making empty compramises or accepting empty promises. Alcoholics are black and white thinkers who have beccome USED TO hearing... I''m going to leave I'm not accepting this any more...... and they no we don't mean it.
My husband said (while still drinking) he treated me the way he did because he could..... I was a door mat. They count on us believing them...they know we will.
At a face to face meeting they have a leaflet called The Merry Go Round called Denial. It tells about the games that alcoholics play....keeping us all attached to their strings. They are puppeteers.
I hope my story helps you.... The fact is when life is unmanageable we can choose to either give away our serenity and our oxygen to them and suffocate Or we can choose to protect our serenity and our oxygen and see the disease....see it for what it is......see our loved ones struggle and give them the space and dignity to work it out for themselves.....and detach, living our own lives despite the chaos.
Really not easy to do....which is why I continue to need Alanon x
-- Edited by f2fmember on Tuesday 5th of February 2013 05:51:18 PM
I have only posted on here 2 times before and your responses helped me so much. Here I am again, back with my alcoholic boyfriend. I left him in April due to cheating and I ended up taking him back in July because his daughter came to town for the summer and I love her. He did go to AA that summer (1.5 months) and then quit going again.
Well, from July-now he continues to drink all day every day, look at porn every day, lie to me about going to the bar and so on. It truly never ends. I don't know what is going on with me that I can't just let this guy go? It's been 6 years on and off, but when i look back, there are so many more bad times than good. Sure, he can be so sweet, loving, caring, friendly, fun and all that, but he does not have all the qualities I need in a relationship (trust, respect, responsibility). I keep thinking "OMG, I'm 31 and I have no kids. If I stay with him, I will either be a single mom or never even have kids". I also find myself wondering if when he is nice and caring, if that is all an act?
It's like when I feel I have a handle on the situation and he starts acting right and I start believing him-BOOM I find out something crazy that he lied about and I'm back to the starting point of feeling depressed and anxious. I guess I am looking for some type of support or someone's else story on what ultimately made them realize their alcoholic is never going to change? I mean, I constantly tell myself that I will leave if he lies or disrespects me again, and then he does, and I still stay! I know in my heart that he does not have my best interests in mind and he doesn't even care about himself. I know that me talking to him, letting him stay here, and so on is only hurting the situation. But to know that I am sitting here upset, working on myself and that he continues to get drunk daily and think he did nothing wrong hurts. How do those of you that have moved on stay strong when they come back and promise to change (even doing so for short time)? How do you really let go and allow the person to destroy themselves? How do you stop allowing them to hurt you? I feel like I'm stuck! Thanks for listening and I hope this made sense.
Ultimately only you can figure out if you want to leave or stay. The final straw for me came when I got sick and tired of being sick and tired I decided to do something different. That something different meant for me letting go of the A in my life. There is always mircles that can happen I will never discount that I saw a group today of mini miracles sitting around the table and we laughed, shared and just had a wonderful way to start the day. Hinging everything on if the A gets sober and wrapping it up in the neat little bow is a receipe for disaster. It is full of empty promises that I set myself up for. If I get really honest a lot of the disappointments and resentments I have .. I have done to myself .. the A just does what an A does .. in my case .. I deal with a liar, cheat, theif and a drunk .. that is not to say I think he's a bad person .. it does say .. this is what he does especially when he's active in the disease. I do believe that when an A talks about getting sober and talks about doing things differently they really mean it in the moment. The moment passes and literally the disease takes over. I can't allow that to dictate at what point I live my life with or without them. As well as the happiness that is attached with my own life, .. I am ultimately responsible.
There are people who can live with the A and have an incredibly strong program of knowing what is and is not ok for them. I needed to remove him from my life and at this point put my children first and what their happiness means to them. This is a dialog we have going at the moment. What does happiness mean to them? What kind of dreams do they have? What kind of family dreams should we have, .. I guess you could say goals for us as a family to go and do. So we are going to set up a list and see how far we get in the family and personal goals. I think it would be fun to see what kind of things we can do together, save for and just what does fun mean exactly.
Anyway, that's what I have to look at .. I have to love someone enough to trust that I am not their dad's HP and I don't know what lessons he is meant to learn. I don't know the outcome of those particular lessons. It is not up to me to know. I DO know I can protect myself with my own tool box of healthy responses vs reactions and I get that through Alanon. The only way for me to get the lessons to stick is to go to f2f meetings, read lit, and come here to remind myself my world is bigger than just me. I can choose every day to be happy and I can choose to make different choices that don't cause me pain or leave me in the victim mode.
Keep coming back you are worth it, hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Aloha Gingerbread and welcome back. Be glad there is a "back" you could come back to because doing the disease without support is pure insanity. If you stand back and read your post as another person would it's easy to see that you have built a "habit" which is another way of saying "addiction". My alcoholic/addict did exactly the same thing in the disease. She would drink and use until she got hurt and then quit until she healed and then went back out again. Each time she got more use to the pain of drinking and using and what that means in program understanding is that the person is either getting closer to their bottom or the fatal end of the disease. Some of us don't have the chemical to worry about and still we are addicted to the alcoholi/addict. I got so addicted to the merry-go-round and ups and downs of living in the disease that I was as sick as she was. If your not attending face to face Al-Anon meetings I'd suggest to get out to them very very soon and take an open mind with you...wide one. Get the literature and phone numbers and enter a support group you can count on. What you're doing...we've done also and it can be stopped and changed for the better. The last word of the 2nd step...Came to believe a Power Greater than ourselves could restore us to "sanity" tells us how far into the disease we got.
