The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is so good you are looking into Al-Anon for yourself at this time. How long has hubby been sober now? Often during the first 6 months to a year, the recovering alcoholic, in early sobriety will go through what is called the "emotional rollercoaster". Keep in mind the brain of a alcoholic is wired with alcohol-ISM (I, self & ME). Actually, it goes alot deeper than that simple statement but for right now, let's just say that the human spirit is trying to do one thing, and the mind/brain is not accustomed to the change at all... so there will be a lot of flopping around with moods, attitudes... in early recovery the brain is going through something similar to culture shock. Everything is different and the pathology of the alcholic mind is geared towards trying to keep things the same. He has a lot of work in front of him, and so do YOU.
Whats important right now, is that you let him find his way, and your find yours. Stay close to us here and try to get to face 2 face Al-Anon meetings in your area. This will give you the opportunity to learn how to do a few things so you are not taking the emotional rollercoaster ride with him. That's his ride and you have been on it way too long. Time to find the good, safe and healthy methods we in Al-Anon have used to get off the rollercoaster.
You need to be gentle with yourself in this process. You did not get to this point over night, so your own healing and recovery won't take place over night. You won't let go of the old without a lot of practice, nor can you get experienced with the new without a lot of practice, and I'm not talking about his old and new.. I'm talking about yours. Just as he is going to go through a lot of change, you will too. If either stay the same... it will without a doubt make this transition in recovery much harder and unpleasant. If you both have the commonality of trying to get better, and the 12 step fellowship as a buffer, things could work out very well.
Relax some, breath.. in and out...
And stay close to Al-Anon. Also, get some Al-Anon literature if you don't have any. There is a lot of good information, experience, strength and hope in the readings.
I hope you will take a look around this board some and join us in the daily meetings when you can as well. It's time for you to begin your own journey of discovery and recovery.
It a nice journey... not easy but relatively simple. One day at a time, one step at a time, one prayer at a time.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I am a first time poster to this forum...My husband is currently in recovery. His drinking and drug days came to a stop with a DUI. Living with him has became increasingly more difficult. The moods swing from all so happy to I would rather leave then try to deal with this. I myself have began to feel this way. By all means I love this man and want to continue to raise our children in one home together, but as said before this is starting to become difficult.... Any help on how to learn to deal with getting to know the new person and dealing with all his new emotions, that he has not ever had since we met since he was an active user our whole relationship up until the DUI, who be so helpful!!!
It is so good that you found us and had the courage to post. Alcoholism is recognized as a disease over which we are powerless. Having lived with this disease we too need a program of recovery-- Alanon is that program. Please check out alanon face to face meetings in your community AND plan to attend. The hot-line number can be found it he white pages.
Breaking the isolation caused by this disease and accepting the support of those who understand as few others can is a wonderful step in your own recovery.
Drinking is only one part of thi disease when they stop they are still very ill and need lots of support from people in Aa who understand.
For us it can be very confusing when they stop drinking and things get worse rather than better, we have waited so long for this, been through so much. My partner has been in AA for nearly 4 years. He has bouts of sobriety longest being 9 months but he keeps trying. He has currently been sober for 5 or 6 months, I dont know why dont I know because I am too busy sorting my own recovery.
I go to three meetings aweek it is so lovely to chat with people who understand, al anon has saved my sanity.
Today I know I can not change him but there is a lot I can do and that I am responsible to do. Example when he i having a mood swing I protect myself leave the room. If he follows I go out for a drive or go to a meeting take abath till he calms down. I have learnt how to love this man and look afetr myself but it did not just land in my lap. I have had to go to meetings, come on here, read, work the steps. All I know is it works I am so happy today and I am still with an alcoholic.
I have educated myself about what I am living with that way I could make an informed choice, for today i stay I love him but today I love mee Too.
take what you like and leave the rest hugs tracy xxxxx
Your situation sounds similar to my own and I just wanted to say that in my experience the description that John has given above is a really good starting point. Your post, combined with John's reply, have illuminated an aspect of my own relationship with my AH that I had not really thought about - ie if I am confused about how he has changed/become a different person then what must it be like from where he is sitting at the moment? No wonder he can't answer some of my questions and needs space to himself!! Thank you for that.
My husband, who has been drinking for the past ten years, has spent the past 18 months trying to stop his drinking and currently he has been sober for thirty days. It is a roller coaster as John says above and I completely relate to your description of mood swings. I am english, but (for once) there are some American words that spring to mind as I try to sum up some of my experiences over the past few months .... 'curveball' and 'coming out of left field'
Now that things are, in practise, improving in our lives my emotions are also coming to the surface more and unfortunately they seem to want to scupper some of the good opportunities coming round the corner. To be honest sometimes I feel as though I am behaving like a two year old who feels she has been neglected - acting out, scowling and stamping my foot, 'claiming it is my turn now, just watch this for a tantrum!!' (a picture that at least makes me laugh at myself and helps to keep some things in perspective!).
So some tips, which generally work for me, are....
look after myself (ie don't get too tired, indulge in regular little treats, ask for help when I need it - all things to keep my scowling two year, who I love very much, happy and pleased with herself!! I have noticed that when I get tired or uncomfortable my thinking becomes more negative) meditation spend time with other people, especially those who laugh a lot ask for a hug when I need one recognise that it might be worth asking myself almost any question/grip that I want to lob at my husband recognise that if I want a good relationship with someone I might have to start dating again, so I might as well practise on my husband!
Thank you for all your responses. . So nice to feel welcomed. . . He is currently 6 months sober. . He is both in an out patient recovery program and attending weekly AA meetings . He is actually the one to asked me to reach out to this program to try to find a way to deal with what is going on . I know deep with in we can make it, but only if we both find the correct ways to deal with our own emotions . . . Again thank you all
If he asked to to look into the program then he is coming to understand 12 step recovery and how very effective it is. You have gotten some
very good support here from he MIP family which is large and close. We know what support does for those of us who found themselves in the same place you are right now. Get the hotline number from the whitepages of your telephone book as Betty suggest and call as soon as you can and then as John mentioned go and keep going. Get the literature.
You will learn along with us that loosing control mean't learning how to let go of control on purpose and allowing a Power Greater than ourselves to step in and take control.
From the Pacific Ocean...Hele mai...come in and join us...we're family. ((((hugs))))
Hi and welcome. Keep on reading on this board and AlAnon literature. Get to meetings. Maybe there will be one close to your house. You never know until you look. I have to travel 15-30 minutes for my meetings. It is worth it. My hubby's using days also ended with a DUI. That was 12 years ago. Yes, we stayed together but, in my opinion, it was really hard. AlAnon saved our marriage. I would have tossed him out. That first year .... and then the second year...... ugh, and then the third. Even today, the alcoholism has had an effect. I went to AlAnon to get happy again. It worked. I learned to concentrate on ME! Funny, all the work I have done to make myself happy and then he takes credit for it. Whatever!!!!! I used to be too much in his life. I thought marriage was a partnership and we made all decisions together. NOT!! I make my decisions and then let him know what they are. It works better that way. I also let him make his own. He used to ask me to make them for him. Now I refuse. I don't want to give him any reason to blame me for stuff.
