The material presented
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I received a letter from my A who is away at rehab. In the letter and I quote "I operate in a practical, business and organized approach. That may be when your feel pushed away because at that time we are operating in different worlds." (Which is based on the left side of my brain not working most of the time. Matter of fact I've wondered if it is missing)
NO! Mr. Alcoholic, WHEN I FEEL PUSHED AWAY IS WHEN YOU SAY THINGS TO ME LIKE "she's my friend and I will not desert her...she needs me" (really? that justifies me walking in on a phone call with "her" by accident....to happen to be grabbing a long sleeve t-shirt out of OUR closet) WOW! and I am to believe it is an innocent call. Or my other favorite was "I know everything about women...I've been with 500 of them." I replied with really? Huh...guess that makes me #501...maybe I should write Hallmark and see if they are up for another holiday celebrating being #501 day-----lets say on April first. Not to make excuses for him by any stretch of the imagination...of course he was hammered when these pearls flew out of his mouth. But come on! Really...he doesn't remember that? He thinks it is because he owns a label maker and I like crayons I feel pushed away! COME ON!!!
So I must ask... is it possible he has obtained a remedial version of step 4 and 5 which he claims to be working on? I am in SHOCK! Yet again!
These are usually times where I have to pull myself back in and not give too much energy to the other person. I'd say its possibly not that important to decipher at this point in time. Just focus on what is going to help you focus on you, and take care of your needs and regain your serenity and sanity. If he is growing in the steps great, if he is not great - it won't have to impact your own recovery either way. Take care of yourself
One thing that helped me was when I read, "When you're overfocused on one thing, you're underfocusing on something else." Usually because we're underfocusing on something else. So one question that always helps me is: What am I underfocusing on? That might be a helpful question - ?
This caused me to remember doing the same type of story with my former sponsor and when I was out of breath with the telling he asked me "Who is the She that you are talking about; your wife or your alcoholic/addict"? and I got it the first time. Stop expecting from her what she is unable to give. Knowing which person you are talking to helps with the translation. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
He is in rehab! He is a absolute mess right now. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and probably physically. Let him process out whatever he needs to right now. Respond to what you will but don't react to anything! Alcoholics tend to skip all over the place in early recovery. Their brain is trying to sort out something that they really only vaguely remember the true substance and meaning of, so they will try to sound all bright and intelligent, when in fact... they are a few fries short of a happy meal! LOL
Let's move away from talking about him, and let's start talking about you... do you think "normal" people try to decipher emails? LOL I think not. Most would read what it says and let it go, and get on with the rest of their day. What did you do for you today?
I hope you will stay close to us here and find a Al-Anon meeting close to you attend very soon, it will help you greatly. Just be patient with yourself, and the recovery process...
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
"uh, okay, whatever......" That would be my response. He got so sick of me saying "whatever" and told me never to say it again. He said it was the same as saying "'xxxx'you". Yea, well, that didn't work either. I still quietly say whatever when I need to let it go and let God handle it. I don't want to use any of my energy on trying to figure out what he says. Even now, he has been without booze for 12 years. I still have times when he makes no sense to me. I don't have to force the issue because I know in time I will know. Until then...... whatever!!!!
What he wrote was nonsense. You are trying to make sense out of nonsense. Picture him looking out the window of a building. It is a building that says mental hospital on it. He has pajamas on. You are on the outside. He is on the inside.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 5th of February 2013 10:39:34 PM
I have to agree with John; the man is in rehab and that is not the time to focus on or take to heart anything that comes out of his mouth -- simply because the brain is not functioning properly...having been there, done that...JMHO - FWIW
When I read that line I heard my ex tell me that the biggest problem we had was that I over-reacted to everything. He was a master at making everything always my fault. Sounds like he is trying to shift the blame onto your shoulders instead of admitting where HIS problem lies.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
