The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying to be forgiving toward my friend, who lives with me.
He went out today and forgot to call me.
I don't like checking on him, believe me.
But he forgot to call at his usual time and he's been ill.
I left him a text and he called back immediately, angry at me for bothering him.
It's a minor annoyance when he forgot to call.
But him getting mad at me for texting a short message saying, "I hope ur okay." Really!
So I did. I bothered him and it is none of my business what he does. But he is one half of this household, we split the rent, we are both disabled and we need each other. I hate the thought of him being dead or in a hospital.
I still don't like it when he's sick and doesn't call me when he's out for a long time. I still worry. I can't help it.
I did tell him I did worry a little. I said, "I apolgize if I made you angry. I just worry and I try very hard to let you do whatever you need to do. But you have been ill; you've had medical emergencies while you were out and I am not over that trauma."
I am being negative again. I know.
I am trying to turn this over.
I don't know when things are going to change.
It is so hard not having any friends (both of us) and being isolated. I am scared he is dying; G*d he looks like he is just shutting down.
I know; sounds self-pitying.
But it's true. This is what's going on. Being isolated. He keeps to himself, so do I. It's hard for us; we are not the "sociable popular type". All our family is gone, too. There will be no back up if he dies suddenly.
So I get worried when he passes out in the chair or goes out and forgets to call. I freak out. I have to discipline myself, but tonight it was just hard. he's been so messed up.
I am getting a lot out of the shares here on the board and my sponsor is urging me to go to more meetings.
Allie
-- Edited by AllieinAlanon on Monday 4th of February 2013 12:36:39 AM
-- Edited by AllieinAlanon on Monday 4th of February 2013 12:42:10 AM
-- Edited by AllieinAlanon on Monday 4th of February 2013 12:45:03 AM
__________________
Alanon is about self-care, not caring for the alcoholic.
Hi Allie, usually when we are overly-concerned with saving someone else we really need to be concerned with keeping the focus on ourselves.
When we are taking hostages and trying to save others we really need to let God save US by going through the 12 steps.
Let go and let God.
We can only do our own work, not someone else's.
Allie, you already have much of your answers in your own writing. Doing things that put you out of your comfort zone will help you break unhealthy patterns. I have heard from some folks that they sat in daily meetings for a year or more before they could look people in the face, have full conversations....etc....BUT, they kept coming back.
You sound like you are clinging hardcore to behaviors and patterns that you know are hurting you (isolating, codependency on another person, being fearful and scared, worrying). When I started the 12 steps, I also had a decent idea of what I didn't like about me and I was beating myself up about it too. I had to ACT different, put myself out there, and LET GO of old ways simultaneously.
You might feel like your friend is an anchor, but you seem to know he's not something stable to rely on. Better to rely on your HP for support and to ease your worries. While that spirituality develops, your peers in alanon can function as healthier supports also.
So...we don't come into 12 step programs to stay the same. It's scary but try and get used to the idea of change. You state that you are a disabled, isolating person, who is not "popular" and worries a lot. You state that your friend is similar (minus the worrying). Can you imagine being much more fully functioning, engaged in the world, having multiple friends and being different from your sad and sick friend? Misery loves company and to be that new person, it helps to envision it and take steps towards it.
It's not written in stone that you are an isolater and not popular. At any moment, you can change all of that. There's no need to cling to things you don't like about yourself. Generally, when this was the case for me, it was fear that kept me immobilized. I was scared that if I took steps to reach out to others, I'd be rejected. I was scared that the unstable people I'd been relying on would not love me any more or that they would be angry and bail on me. I was scared I would try my hardest to be different and then find out I just wasn't capable.
I found out those fears were not real and not justified. I'm not perfect by a LONG stretch. But I'm not crippled by fear any more. Pray for the ability to accept change. You can be different if you want, but not while clinging to old behaviors that make you unhappy.
