The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this site as of about 10 minutes ago. In fact, this is the first time I have ever reached out this way. I did attend live meetings a few years back but didn't feel very welcomed so didn't go back.
Last night, I came home from work and found my husband passed out in the recliner. A cereal bowl was tipped over sideways in the chair with him. I noticed cereal in his short beard and the front of his shirt was soaked with milk. The contents of what was left in the bowl was running down the inside arm of the chair and, down to the carpeting. The chair was a gift from my mom a few years ago. It was a nice chair.
The kitchen sink was overflowing with dirty dishes that, weren't there when I left. He had made some kind of spahgetti / mexican concoction. Red greasy sauce all over. Even the phone had a few splashes on it.
I'm so tired. So defeated. So angry. So disgusted and dissapointed. It's consuming if I give it that much weight.
For whatever its worth I joined a few weeks ago when my A left for a 90 day rehab stay and am so happy I did...These people are my only friends I can talk to about the maddness. Please read some of my posts.. I too have lived through "cereal" incidents. Take Care!
We welcome you with open arms. Many of us have felt those same emotions. I come here, and face to face Al-Alon meetings, because it helps me to know that I am not alone.
Hi Amski I'm sorry you found your face to face meeting unwelcoming. We kind of have to be ready to be there....just as our A's have to be ready to be in AA. when we're ready we begin to see the similarities with other peoples stories instead of the differences.
My AH did all sorts of awful things while he was drinking. He became very poorly with his illness. His unacceptable behaviour bothered me much more than his drinking to be honest.
I think what Alanon did for me in the beginning was to allow me to see how pitifully ill my AH had become. When well, he would never have fallen asleep in his own sick on the driveway....just at a time when his children would find him as they came home from school !
My point is we are asked to search for our own serenity, by accepting the things we cannot change. We can't change how they drink, or what they do when drunk.
We can change the things we can... We can change our own attitudes and allow them to face their own consequences....by not tidy up around them or tidy them away. We can only change our own attitudes towards them and their illness. They really are very poorly people....as much as it is disgusting and disappointing for us to witness.
When we catch them we stop them falling...and reaching their rock bottom.
Alcoholism is the only illness that gets worse the more we care.....It goes against our natural caring charactors to ignore what they do.
The only way we can survive is to accept the illness for what it is...... accept them for how they are. And to learn to look after our own needs.
Each episode WILL pass. Alanon gives us a safe place to voice the bizzare behaviour. Others there WILL understand.
One day at a time, we CAN learn to detach and allow them the time and space they need to deal with their illness While we learn how to be happy despite what is going on x. We can turn our back and go do something else instead.
We might end up clearing up some of the debris, but we can do it in OUR time, not theirs, and not in order to hide the effects of what they do. We can clear up simply because we decide it needs doing....the same as any other house work.
Welcome to the site x. There is so much information here. Keep coming back x
One thing that really helped me at the beginning was the 3 c's
I didn't cause it I can't control it And I can't cure it
I found it extremely hard to come to terms with behaviours that were just so unacceptable. I couldn't work out how life had come to this
There are some brilliant readings in our daily readers. I soon found out that it IS possible to detach from this unacceptable behaviour while maintaining my own standards.
I really hope you try your group again sometime....They are there to help you with YOUR recovery though not his.... He has to find his own way to his own fellowship. This is a progressive illness. If he is getting worse it COULD be a good thing? It maybe he's getting closer toward his own journey into recovery x
Hi Amski, if you didn't have good luck with a f2f meeting before maybe you can try a different one that will be a better fit. Also tune into the "live" online meetings here.
Yes indeed, we are the people who can relate to the "cereal incident." The other day when my AH was finally sober and apologetic I gently asked him if he would clean the bed, carpet, and floor where he had urinated in 3 different rooms, so that I did not have to clean it up. He didn't even remember urinating everywhere, but I showed him so he could clean it. Mind you I had to wait for the right time. In contrast I enthusiastically picked him up to go to an AA meeting that he likes together, only to get verbally assaulted because he was in withdrawal and feeling sick and angry at me for trying to "tell him what to do."
Al-anon helps me to gain perspective- to step back and get a sense of when I'm doing "the next right thing" vs. when I'm taking on his disease and need to detach.
Keep coming back!
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"my country is the world, and my religion is to do good" (Thomas Paine)
Practicing detachment is my challenge today. I responded to this last event(cereal) with anger and I know that can be a driving force for everything I dont want to see happen. Any event being the force of my own negative actions and emotions is not the way I want to live.
I did not clean up this mess but...I was pretty quick to point out the mess itself and make my disaproval apparent.
I highly recommend reading the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Drews. It helped calm me down at night so I could sleep. Owe day at a time and keep coming back!
I am new to this site as of about 10 minutes ago. In fact, this is the first time I have ever reached out this way. I did attend live meetings a few years back but didn't feel very welcomed so didn't go back.