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AH's mom passed away a little over a week ago. She died suddenly and was found by the police on the bedroom floor. She had been there for a few days based on the decomposition of the body and both AH's brother and sister are dealing with a ton of guilt because they hadn't been checking up on her. Anyway, AH has had another epiphany. He wants to recommit himself to the family, get more involved, and he's turning on the sugar towards me big time.
He was very lovey after he got back from the funeral(I attended for a few days but he stayed later). While he was hugging me and rubbing up against me, I pushed him away and told him I was confused. I said, "Just 3 weeks ago you were pointing the finger at me accusing me of being a cheating wife and giving me and the marriage counselor every reason under the sun as to how and why I'm doing it with someone else." His reply was, "Does this seem to be the actions of a man who thinks his wife is cheating on him?" UGH!
Then, I got frustrated because I told him that it will take time for me to come around. It will take time to build trust and I don't know how long that will be and that I may reject him for a while. His response was, "Well, if you keep rejecting me then I'm just going to shut down." We didn't talk time frames or anything but I did explain to him that if he really is a changed man, that it's going to take consistency and time for me to SEE these real changes. We haven't even discussed the drinking, although I don't think he's drinking right now anyway. We haven't even talked about the fact that I just got a letter from the DMV telling us that he got another 6 months of interlock device because he had 2 failed attempts for being over the legal limit and was locked from starting his car. He had told our son that he got the extra 6 months(about 1 month ago) but lied to him about how he got the violation. Our son told me, "Dad told me not to tell you." So, AH doesn't know that I know. I sealed up the DMV letter and left it on his desk and didn't confront him about it, even though it was addressed to both of us, fyi.
So, here I sit. I was ready to file a separation because it was obvious he was still inclined to drink and drive. I was pretty much more than 1 foot out the door, I was definitely leaning towards OUT. Now, he says that seeing his bachelor brother and how he lived in dirt and loneliness has given him perspective on his life and what he was risking losing. What really bugs me, though, is that he was all lovey and kissy and surprised that I didn't welcome him back with open arms. After all the mudslinging, the passive aggressive comments, the bullying, the blaming, the DUI, the continued drinking and denial, and now he's surprised that I am not ready to hop in the sack with him? UGH!!!
Anyway, we have another marriage counseling session. We were supposed to be checking in with the guy every 4 weeks but I think it's been 3 weeks. It will be interesting to see how the counselor handles the new and improved, non-beligerent side of my AH. Honestly, though, I told AH that I've heard all these things before and that it will take time for me to see if it's real change. In my heart I want to believe, but in reality my head says, "Watch your step." I truly was ready for the roller coaster ride to be over. I was planning on calling 2 lawyers the day we found out his mother died and her death has thrown AH and my plans for a loop. I'm so tired of getting wrench's thrown in my well thought out and agonized over plans, LOL! Now, I feel that I have to wait, I have to give him time to prove that THIS time it will be real change, and I feel that I need to give him time to mourn.
I think the one thing we can bank on with these guys is that you never know what to expect. The trouble with their changes of heart is that they're so uneducated in healthy ways of living that they think that good intentions is all they need. It's like you describe: he says "Hey sugar!" and you say, "But wait a minute, just recently you were accusing me of this, that, and the other thing..." That's the point where the healthy person would acknowledge what's been going on. A healthy person might say, "You know, I was having screwed-up thoughts back then. It's no wonder you don't know what to think now. I need to get to the bottom of why that happens and show you that I'm turning things around. To do that I'm going to do X and Y and Z. I'm going to ask you to keep an open mind for a while." Then you might think, "Huh, that's pretty straightforward. Okay, I'll keep an open mind and see what happens." But when his answer is just, "Nope, no such thoughts! See! Wink wink!" -- it's like he thinks you can just rewrite the past by pretending stuff never happened. That's a pretty alcoholic strategy in my experience. Like their chief operating principle.
Still, him having no hostility is better than hostility. I hope you can enjoy the calm. As always, the proof is in the pudding, and if he does or doesn't have the motivation to make real progress, it will become clear soon enough. (It's good to know about the stuff with the car -- business as usual on some fronts, clearly.)
it's like he thinks you can just rewrite the past by pretending stuff never happened. That's a pretty alcoholic strategy in my experience. Like their chief operating principle.
Wow! that must the theme for the day! Couldn't have said it better... the mind set that the A gets into either forgeting the past or not wanting to address the damage done is mind blowing to me! I just do not understand- yet it seems that that ability is like putting on a pair of pants...OH NO that's too complicated for my A...let's say breathing. How can the A do that? I wish I could forget the past...I'd certainly get a full nights sleep since our past seems to like to wake me up at 3am. It is AMAZING!!!!!
Go on with how you were planning to go on and grow. If it is mean't to be he will have to play catch up and be sober when he does. If you do all the recovery work on yourself and he does little or none, you'll be miles ahead where you're supposed to be. If your Higher Power asks you what happened blaming the alcoholic for your loss won't work.
I think Alanon teaches us to concentrate on OUR needs not theirs.... So when I make a decision and set a boundary I have to stick to it.....until I change my mind based on MY needs
I've fallen into the same traps of course. I finally say enough is enough and then HIS life becomes complicated so MY boundaries became no more than a half promise.
My AH didn't take anything I said seriously because he just had to turn on the charm and he knew I would buckle. Like a tantruming child....the line has to be definate and the promises carried out. They are very black and white thinkers.
I'm really sorry for his loss x and I assume yours too.
If your AH has discovered another perspective in life, maybe he will take his time to win you back. My AH and me 'dated' again for 6 months before we started considering that he could return home. (but thats just me). We had the decree nici....His first 6 months of sobriety was still very much full of insanity.
I think step one is where this is We are powerless over people place and things....and our alcoholics.....and when life has become unmanageable we have lost our focus on our own needs.
Yeah, the "180's" can be maddening!! My AH says the most loving amazing things (probably afraid he's going to lose me), then he chews me out for something that is not even deserving of his anger. I come home thinking he's sober and we have a great weekend ahead of us, and it turns out he's depressed and ends up sleeping all weekend. He puts me through hell during a relapse, doesn't remember most of it, and then gives me a guilt trip for not wanting to make love.
It's good to remember that you don't share a mind- you're not always operating on the same timeline. Stay true to yourself- he may have epiphanies and changes of heart but you can still operate on your own time line. It is a good thing that you have counseling- that's a step in the right direction. Keep coming back here too!
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"my country is the world, and my religion is to do good" (Thomas Paine)
It is healthy for you not to trust what comes out of your hubbies mouth. Before my husband got serious about his recovery, I used to tell myself that everything that came out of his mouth was a lie. This made it easier for my recovery and kept me from second guessing and getting all crazy. Keep your energies focused on your healing and leave your husband to his higher power, and, believe me, I know how difficult that is. Trust in the power of al anon and the twelve steps, get a sponsor if you do not have one and lean on others who have been working their al anon program. You will get lost in crazy land if you try to make sense of your husbands actions. I found it helpful to write out the behaviors I needed to be present in my husband for the relationship I wanted and those that were deal breakers; when I would get all muddled up, I would read what I had written. I came to believe that I was worth a healthy relationship and I would not settle. My husband was given a choice to either be in a healthy relationship with me or live without me and I was ready to live without him. Before I could get to that choice point, however, I spent many hours in meetings getting healthy. I wanted a healthy future more than I wanted him and his disease. I wish you the best and stay focused on your healing Many blessings to you.
I can especially identify with PP's point. It's harder to believe it's a lie when it's what we have been wanting to hear.
I always also found it hard to believe something was a lie when my A believed what he was saying so much. I guess that's not a deliberate "lie," but it's still not true. I guess the saying "Watch what they do, not what they say" always applies.
Well, I've been believing lies for a very long time. I think he believes them when he says them, too. And, yes, the proof will be in the pudding.
Also on that day, when he hugged me another time, he was sure to tell me he loved me. I said, "I love you too, but we have a lot of work to do on us." His reply was, "What's that supposed to mean?" Honestly, I just don't think he gets it.
" it's like he thinks you can just rewrite the past by pretending stuff never happened. That's a pretty alcoholic strategy in my experience. Like their chief operating principle."
This is exactly what I'm facing with my AH. He put me through hell; things escalated to the point that he had criminal charges laid, I had a lawyer retained regarding divorce and custody of our son and I made plans to move without him (we were supposed to move together before everything exploded) then he did a 180, was exceptionally sweet etc etc. He flipped, had a change of heart, mind and attitude and expected me to just put it in the past like he did and be loving back. When I couldn't flip a switch like he did I felt bad, that I should be able to move on and let go and forgive; I felt like if things didn't work out after this change it would be my fault.
I'm getting my head straightened out slowly; posts like this help a lot.
if he gets "it" or not you need to do what is right for you. The other stuff will work itself out. If he wants to change believe me he's going to own his part and be the man God intended him to be, the nice thing is I only have to focus on the woman God intended me to be. That whole rewritting history is something else. That is a classic A characteristic and then my classic reaction to this is to feel badly that is not how I remember things being and then trying to accept that it was the way the A described them. The reality is the reality is the reality. It just is what it is and I only need to flip a switch when I'm ready to flip the switch not when anyone else tells me (counselor included). It is my happiness, my life and no one else has to walk in my shoes. My shoes may be to big for some and to small for others, they are just right for me.
Keep trying to figure out what you want and protect yourself, financially especially.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Many blessings to you.