Hi Newwoman
Its taken me a while to understand your post LOL.
I think what you're saying is ....well my understanding is telling me....
That you've sent your A a letter to his dry out clinic....which he has read and responded to with no emotion
LOL

If my understanding is correct....and I apologise if its not.....

All I can say is my AH told me he cared (past tense) about our marriage while he was drinking. He told me that I was to blame for the issues in our marriage because I nagged, and didn't try to understand HIS issues. He told me that he was unreasonable because he could.....I was a door mat.

Thats what he said. He wasn't sure if I loved him ! after all how could anyone love him.....

While drinking, alcoholics have no self esteem....but huge ego's. They lie and cheat. They put us down in all sorts of ways because it makes THEM feel better.
I wasn't convinced his WAS an alcoholic. I thought he had a narcississtic personality disorder. He seemed unable to empathise or see beyond his own needs.

It made me infuriated !!!

But it was the illness. It wasn't him. I learned to seperate the disease from the person.
Thats how I freed myself from the irritation.

I'm not saying it's easy.
I've only really mastered it since he's been in sobriety. The illness is still there...but the unacceptable behaviour that really infuriated me isn't.

In sobriety he can now tells me he cares (present tense) and he means it.
He doesn't always show it, but he does his best..,
He is still fighting the demon that is alcohol.....but also the self centredness that comes with it.

During his drinking years the demon was too strong and the person that is him...disappeared completely. His HP helped him fight back.
In sobriety the person that is him is too strong for the demon.....even though that demon will still try to take control again daily. As long as he steps back and allows his HP to lead the way he can stay strong.

My job is to maintain my own serenity. One day at a time.
I have to detach from the demon that tries to influence me too.
I have to maintain my own boundaries to make it easier for both him and me to know where we stand.
I can have a happy life simply by looking after MY needs.
If life becomes unmanageable its because I have lost my focus and started filling my head with the needs of others again.

I used to send pages and pages of explanations about how I felt because he had done x, y and z. I was like this because he had done that.

I think I was trying to justify something. Part of me believed that I had some control ... if only I could find the right words to tell him how to behave, everything would be ok !

Of course that was pure fantasy. Nothing I could say or do could ever make a difference.
I had to accept him AS HE WAS and decide whether I could be with him.

I still have to accept him AS HE IS.....with his illness...and decide every day whether I can be with him. Today I can.
Drinking or not....one day at a time....its our decision to stay or not.

We have choices...about who we are, and whether we are going to react.

I hope this makes sense and I have understood properly x