I dont really know where to begin.. In fact its still hard for me to admit some days that this is where my life has taken me.  Four years ago i started dating a guy i went to high school with .  At the time i was 25 and he was 28. There had always been something there when we were younger but it was always wrong timing.  Anyway we started moving pretty fast and withinn six months we had decided to move to FL together.. Through the months and the closer we became he confded in me that many years ago he had a problem with oxy's.  He never went to rehab but cleaned up his act on his own. Myself having never taken the drug and at the time not really knowing too much about it thought ok, he had a problem years ago but he is clean now and is such an amazing person.. The most caring and loving guy i have ever been with.   When i look back i realize that deep inside a red flag went off and whether i admiited it or not at the time it was something i was thinking about.  Fast forward three years we have been in FL.  Over these years life has been a rollercoaster. Constantly hitting bumps in the road and never ever getting ahead or understanding why so many bad things would happen to us... After about a year and a half i found out that he had taken a few oxy's here and there.  My opinion there is no here and there when you have or have ever had a problem.  He told me he would stop and he started a regimen of suboxin.. After some time and some healing he was a new person.. Going to the gym every day, eating healthy and the most alive i had ever seen him since we met.  Now looking back i guess thats where i made my biggest mistake. Not reaching out to someone back then and really getting to the root of his addiction and what was going on.. Eventually the healthy lifestyle came to an end and life was just what it was.  But everyday from then on out i looked at him differently, in my head questioned his every move but went on each day because he was the man i loved and the guy i was suppossed to be with forever..

A few months ago we were away from eachother for almost a month.. My job was closed and he had to work.. SO i went home to stay with family and friends while he stayed in FL and worked. When i returned everything got hard.  He never had any money for our rent, bills etc.   He would stay up late and sleep all day.  Now we are both in the restaurant business so at times its understandable, but it became everyday.. He started to lose weight, had horrible eating habits and his pupils were constantly pins.... He would tell me he was tired, had stomache issues and the eyes were from the suboxin... "I promise i am not doing drugs. I would tell you. You are the woman i am going to marry, how can you think this. I love you."

I started snooping... Texts deleted on phones. random calls. The suboxin not dissappearing... He would work 5-6 shifts a week and have no money... i was basically paying for everything... At this point i was miserable and just angry... i knew he was lieing but he had a story to back up every story and a reason for everything... Basically i had no proof, just a gut feeling.... That he was using..

Long story short,That gut feeling was right and about a month ago i was contacted by a "friend" of his who i knew but never really understood their friendship... She opened my eyes to a another life he had been living.. One that was only focused on one thing oxy's..... It was deeper and darker then i could have ever imagined... Lieing, stealing-double life... One with me and one with his drugs.... Now that i had the proof i needed nothing he said mattered. i no longer believed a word coming out of his mouth. After i said i was leaving him if he didnt finally come clean he admitted everything to me... Fell to his knees and said he had been fighting these demons for so long and was so deep he had no idea how to get out... It was the saddest thing i had ever seen, he was lost and i could not save him. It was beyond me... The next day i called his brother and parents... Two days later he was checked into rehab, willingly.

It has been thirty days..... I went to alanon last thurs for the first time, and plan to go back next thurs...... I have stood by him every step of the way and given support.....on the other end i have Paid all our bills on my own, worked my butt off this past month and have taken care of the pile of crap i found out he left me in.. I went through so many emotions, sadness, anger, resentment.... wanting to give up, wanting to leave..... But in the end i realized that god doesnt give you more then you can handle... There was a reason he was brought into my life and a reason i fell in love with him..... If not to save his, but to teach me something.. I dont know if we will end up together, or if at 28 years old this is the life i am willng to live.. He is sober now and supposed to come home on Monday... I and his parents are down here... i dont know what i am supposed to do. How i am supposed to act. What boundaries i need to set....... I am lost.. I love him and want this to work out.. He deserves a great life..... But i do not trust him and i have not forgiven him completely yet... He broke me and i forgot who i was and what i stand for somewhere along the way.. I am working to get that back day by day..... How can we do this together... I understand he has a disease and i am willing to fight for us i just hope he fights for himself.....

One more note.. His parents have supported him throughout all of this... But they are old school and i dont think they get it.. His mom keeps using a phrase one and done.

Sorry it got kinda long... any advice would be much appreciated