I've been with my husband for a year and a half. We've been married for the past six months now. There have been so many red flags the whole time we've been together and I turned a blind eye and just went along with it, for reasons I don't quite understand. I was in recovery when we met and started dating, then I started drinking along with him. Several times I tried to quit but it was so hard for me because it was always around and when he was around he was always using alcohol. We quickly moved in together and ended up moving to another state with my child. I tried begging, crying, pleading, and got a lot of empty drunken promises that led to sneaking and eventual giving up on my part and just joining him. He has serious anger issues and is difficult to talk to. After a year and a half of this I am done with my part of it. I'm ready to stop enabling and work on myself.

When he is gone I have no problems staying away from alcohol. I do not go out and buy it myself. I am able to say no to myself and work through cravings. Last month he was supposed to be leaving for basic training for the military, but fudged that up by getting a DUI two weeks before he was set to ship out. I thought that would change things, but it's gotten worse. He hasn't worked for over a month, and since the DUI and loss of a military career for a least a year he hasn't even gotten off his butt to look for a job or really try to get his old one back that he left on good terms with. He has spent what little money we have on alcohol and that's what his focus has been since the DUI. He was just found guilty and sentenced to classes and a hefty fine. He had stopped talking to his controlling and disrespectful mother until the DUI, I'm assuming because she has money now that she just sold her house. She bought him back by taking him out and buying him a car. He said he was doing laundry and came home with a car. He did all of this without his wife, and was completely unapologetic about not including me in such a huge decision. It baffles me as to why this was a priority when we have bills to pay and he doesn't even have a job. I tried talking to him about my fears that our marriage is in trouble, that I don't feel he respects me, how hurt I am at his behavior to go behind my back with his mother and let her buy him and get drunk with her. In the past she has been his biggest enabler, and likes to stick her nose in our marriage and bad-talk me all over the place while he is too much of a mama's boy to defend his own wife.

Oh my, I am just so sick of it. Right now he is in a cabin with his mother, she just married her boyfriend, and will be there until tuesday. I failed to find out about this until he was leaving yesterday. So there's five more days spent not looking for a job, getting drunk with Mom. I have some money coming in from student loans, and he will have our tax return coming in. My fear is that he will continue to sit around the house and drink, making both my daughter and I miserable and uncomfortable in our own home. I am afraid he is going to demand for me to pay his fine and the cost of his court-ordered treatment, and I am absolutely not going to do it!!! I have a feeling what will happen though if I refuse, it will cause a huge fight and our fights are always futile because he always wins. He is the most uncompassionate and spoiled man I have ever met in my life. I am sick of this, and I want to lay down some boundaries when he comes home but I don't know where to start. The one thing I DO know, is that I will not be joining him in drinking any longer. I value myself too much to keep doing this. I am so unhappy and feel so out of control in my marriage. The one good thing I can report is he is losing his license for 30 days and will be unable to go purchase alcohol, though I'm sure his mother (that lives two 1/2 blocks away) will be able to help with that. I'm sure he'll come up with lots of excuses to go over there in the coming month!

I guess I just needed to vent, I am new here and looking for some advice. I am even considering moving back to my home state alone with my child if things don't start getting better. I don't know anyone here or have support nearby. I feel isolated and lonely and haven't even shared all of this with my own mother, whom I usually share things with if I need support or just a virtual hug via email. She has no idea I've been living with an alcoholic this whole time, and been utterly miserable. I was too embarrassed to say anything, and I'm scared. I know I can take care of me if I just stay strong, and this time away from my husband while he's with his mother already has done a lot of good for me. I feel at peace in my home with my child for the first time in a long time with him gone for these few days.

The thing I'm worried most about right now is when he comes home, what to say, and what's going to happen when I refuse to take responsibility for his DUI and failure to look for a job. I'm lost. Thanks for listening.