The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My intelligent, loving, wonderful boyfriend of over a year is an opiate addict. When we first starting dating, I knew he was in recovery and had spend some time in rehab in college. At the time, recovery was something I really respected and admired about him. I thought that it was something he had dealt with and didn't realize this would be an issue in our relationship.
About 3 months ago, I was promoted and my company relocated me to an awesome city across the country, all expenses paid, for a 1-year commitment. My BF was between jobs at the time and decided to move in with me in SF. I was excited to have someone to explore the city with, travel, etc and thought that us moving in together would be a fun experience. Little did I know what I was in for.
I don't know if it was the stress of job-searching in a new city, not knowing anyone, a lot of time together, or what, but I started to find out he was using again. I would find squares of foil with black stains around the apartment and knew he was using oxy. He would disappear for a couple of hours with little explanation. He started to received calls from random numbers within our near area code. He would nod off while we were in the middle of a conversation.
I've confronted him about him several times. I'm in contact with his parents on a weekly basis. (By the way, they are willing to be supportive in whatever way they need to be- both emotionally and financially). I made an appointment for suboxyone treatment for him and it seemed to go well (he had been on it before and thought it helped). He doesn't take the medication as the doctor advised. Keep in mind that that we live together, and share expenses (even though the rent is paid for, we "split" cable, utilities, groceries, etc), which is stressful for me. I can't help but think about things we could be doing if he wasn't wasting money on drugs.
My intelligent, loving, wonderful boyfriend of over a year is an opiate addict. When we first starting dating, I knew he was in recovery and had spend some time in rehab in college. At the time, recovery was something I really respected and admired about him. I thought that it was something he had dealt with and didn't realize this would be an issue in our relationship.
About 3 months ago, I was promoted and my company relocated me to an awesome city across the country, all expenses paid, for a 1-year commitment. My BF was between jobs at the time and decided to move in with me in SF. I was excited to have someone to explore the city with, travel, etc and thought that us moving in together would be a fun experience. Little did I know what I was in for.
I don't know if it was the stress of job-searching in a new city, not knowing anyone, a lot of time together, or what, but I started to find out he was using again. I would find squares of foil with black stains around the apartment and knew he was using oxy. He would disappear for a couple of hours with little explanation. He started to received calls from random numbers within our near area code. He would nod off while we were in the middle of a conversation. I even caught him getting high in our apartment bathroom several times.
I've confronted him about him several times. I'm in contact with his parents on a weekly basis. (By the way, they are willing to be supportive in whatever way they need to be- both emotionally and financially). I made an appointment for suboxyone treatment for him and it seemed to go well (he had been on it before and thought it helped). He doesn't take the medication as the doctor advised. Keep in mind that that we live together, and share expenses (even though the rent is paid for, we "split" cable, utilities, groceries, etc), which is stressful for me. I can't help but think about things we could be doing if he wasn't wasting money on drugs.
I feel like I'm keeping secrets from our family and friends when I tell them things are going well here. Since I'm new to this city, it's been difficult to find support. I've been attending Al Anon meetings and have found great strength in these. It's easy for me to listen to the sayings, etc but a different story to make the difficult decisions. I know that he's still using (probably every day) and feel like the crazy girlfriend always checking in on him. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to spend my life upset and worrying about someone else.
I don't know what the answer is, but I know that what I'm doing now isn't working. All of the hassling, crying, drama, etc gets old for both of us. Sometimes he says that he wants to change, he knows it's not working, but fails to actually do anything about it on his own. When I've brought up in-patient treatment, he refuses and says that he thinks they're all money-traps.
I feel like I'm enabling him by letting him live in this apartment (which my company pays for). I've thought about kicking him out (and have threatened it several times), but know that challenges will come up since he's also on the lease.
I want to be able to enjoy this opportunity that I earned, without the stress of living with an addict. I'm at the age (25) where I want to make decisions that are best for ME. If we continue to be together, I can see it leading to marriage, children, etc and don't want addiction to be a part of my life forever.
Does anyone with some experience have any advice? I feel stuck and I could really use it. Really appreciate it.
Much support going your way. I am reading that you are making appointments for him that he should be doing for himself. He's a grown up. Also, questioning whether moving to the city, spending enough time with him....any of that....questioning if those were the reasons for his relapse is pointless. He relapsed for 1 reason only. He is a drug addict who wasn't engaging in recovery. Try not to take it personal. Focus on you and let him either sink or swim with his recovery. Managing it and taking it personal will drive you nuts.
It sounds as if some Al-Anon meetings or Nar-Anon meetings could be really helpful here. There is really so much to deal with that we can't spell it out in one posting, as I know you know.
You also don't have to cover up for him or pretend things are fine to anyone else. That's also part of "enabling" -- protecting the addict from the consequences of his decisions. Giving him a soft cushion to land on.
The longer you know someone, the more you know about them. What you know about him now is that his recovery wasn't as longlasting or as deep as you had hoped, and that his desire for it is also not apparent. He is deep in his addiction. If someone said, "Hey, I have a great first date for you! He'll make your life so good! And calm! He's an opiate addict, practicing right now! He'll hide oxy all over your house! And he'll lie, and nod off when you're talking to him, and he doesn't care about getting any better! Want to sign on?" What would you think? If your friend came to you and said she was about to start dating a guy like this, what would you advise her?
I know now you're feeling like you're holding down the fort, so it isn't like a first date any longer. I just say this to put some perspective in there, since the whole thing of addiction is that it's so draining that it can feel as if we're locked in place.
If you had a roommate who was on the lease, the utilities, etc., and he decided to takea job elsewhere, you could extricate yourself -- in fact you'd have to. So do not let these questions keep you emeshed just because it seems a little complicated to extricate yourself. It's done every day in every city, disentangling people from their leases and utilities.
The most important thing is to take care of you. You're the only one who can do it. I hope you'll find a good meeting (they say to try 6 since they're all different), read all the threads here, maybe try an online meeting here, read the literature, and get lots of support. Nobody should have to do this alone. I hope you'll keep coming back.
