The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My grandmother passed away last week from a massive stroke. It was kind of sudden, but she was 87 - at an age where I just knew that eventually some time she'd go.
While her death is unfortunate, what is more unfortunate right now is that my family is fighting. This is all hurt feelings extending out from when my father and brother announced they'd no longer attend family functions if other family members were going to be smoking pot during them.
My father is feeling slighted by his sister right now - my aunt is telling their brother that my father and brother are "trouble." My dad is obsessing and stuck on a broken record of the perceived slights he's received from his sister in how she manipulated my grandmother's will - they're bickering over material things.
Instead of spending this time working through whatever emotions they may all have surrounding my grandmother's death - they're fighting with each other.
And I am trying to stay the hell out of it. I'm not happy with how ANYONE is behaving at this time. I'm not here to take sides. I love all of my family and this is just so heart-breaking for me, personally, to see what used to be a fairly close-knit group fall to pieces.
I am so grateful for my Al-Anon program and that I've learned enough from it to know that none of this is stuff for me to fix. They can go on destroying their relationship if they want, or they can repair it if they want. But it is NOT my responsibility. I get to show up how I feel morally true with each and every one of them and not take sides nor attempt to fix things.
I was telling my mother and brother that I just have to let go and let God - God has a plan in this. It seems really messed up and hard to understand right now, but I've got to trust that there's something good that's going to be coming out of this mess.
I do feel real angry, however. And it's actually angry at my father. And I know it's just me being judgemental of him - that I feel he should be capable of transcending the hurt feelings... stop taking things personal and behaving like a spoiled brat. Just accept it and move on instead of complaining to anyone who will listen over and over and over and over again with the same story.
But he's not where I am. He has no recovery under his belt at ALL. He's me pre-Al-Anon and he's hurting so bad. I just wish he'd find serenity. I want to see him at peace instead of boiling over at every little thing. But that's his journey he has to take, when and if he's ready to take it. All I can do is let it begin with me and take care of myself.
It sounds like you have some great awareness and recovery going on there.
It's hard to see family members quarreling with each other. What I've noticed is that deaths get it going like nothing else. In a way it's because death is a bigger event than pretty much anything, and in a way it's because fighting distracts people and lets them (unhelpfully) express their natural anger. After watching this happen in many friends' families, I've come to regard it as successfully weathered if the people "merely" fight and don't stop speaking to each other for good. I'm an only child, so when my mother died, there was no one to fight with -- except that I felt so much turmoil that I nearly stopped speaking to myself! That was the joke I used, but in a way it was almost true. (When my father died -- he and my mother had been divorced -- there was only me and my father's lawyer left. Yes, even the lawyer stopped speaking to me, deciding I had been disrespectful about certain heirlooms. Doesn't it just beat all?)
The more calm there is, the better, so in my view you're helping the situation just by being a pool of calm in the midst of everything. Hugs.
I think that is pretty typical of a family who has issues with alcoholism. My own experience when my mother died was very very similar. And of course I still wanted a family that could offer me something especially when my mother died. Still more unfortunately I was living with an alcoholic/addict who felt that one minute spent on my issues was absolutely abandoning me. In fact he said how much I was distressing him about his own issues. I mean how dare I even grieve. What's more since I had not learned to take care of myself I had "friends" or should I say frenemies who felt that two weeks was my limit for mourning my mother.
Really al anon helps a great deal in learning not to go to the butchers to buy bread. My family were as dysfunctional, divided and self absorbed around my mother's death as they were around every other significant event in our lives.
For me the task of grieving the family I never had was a lifetime event. I did gain a great deal from this program, setting limits and much much more. When my mother died, I had a therapist and no program so I did not do so well but now when I am up against significant hurdles I have a program, love and understanding to rely on to get me through this. Most of all I have my own self love because I believe in myself.
I'm sorry for your loss. Pretty typical behaviour. My ex a lost his father, avoided grief through anger and alcohol. It quickly became all about him. I wish I knew how to detach back then because you seem to be coping so well. Take care and take the time for yourself.x
