The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was lately much focusing on me and my relationship with the A. I was scared to break up (and still am), also because I know that some kind of loneliness creeps up on me. But today I am ready to use this 'silence' and use it more in my favour. I started my recovery 9 years ago. at that time I was overwhelmed and not ready. Coming to know my A i realized some of the repeating patterns. I recognized myself more also. That's one reason I am really thankful for that person in my life, even if we hurt eachother deeply. Awareness happened also through that encounter. I learned a lot in this relationship, and I think that is finally a good thing. and I love him for it.
Anyway, so I started the step work when he went into detox...and since then moving slowly but steadily along. I am currently moving between step 4 and 5. And the tasks in step 5 send me back to step 4 to make it more complete. So for me it's time now to have a deep look at my family of origin, because that work started 9 years ago, but it so deep and fragile and I feel really vulnerable when laying those things free, that I take it very slow, only when I feel ready. It's a sensitive subject for my inner child. But I'm getting closer, and better to decode the patterns and rules that come from there. Now i am reading about how to draw a kind of family tree with all the people involved and have a look at the relations, the rules, the things and feelings we remember about those people. I strongly believe that my coping skills are coming from that basket, where else would they have formed, I wasn't born a co-dependent, it's a family business. And I want to break these links, I want to learn to love the members in my family despite their beliefs and most importantly I want to move on and set up my own rules for living the life I think is right for me.
So I would like to ask you for some ESH share, if any of you has already gone further in the steps, because Yes i have the courage and curiosity and honesty to go there and have a closer look (also my recovery started out of an unmanageability in my family 9 years ago ,I started digging then...) at the facts, but I admit I am a bit walking on legs of a 2 year old still, and I guess I am asking to hear what might await me with my feelings once I clearly light up the story.any tips or did anybody do that visual setup?
You sound quite grounded today Turtle, and being true to your nature. I have recently purchased "The Big Red Book" Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families. And it has lots of inner child work, well written, and worth buying. I have just touched on this subject and have not a lot of ESH, but know I am headed in the right direction, knowing that this child is so sensitive and easily manipulated, I am taking it slow.
In Support, Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
I don't know if I have the right answers, but I did that program where you lay out your family tree and find patterns and things. I did it as part of a workshop on Family Systems therapy. It was very helpful for me. It led me to see that my family has patterns extending back five generations. Dysfunction, cutting people off in high dudgeon if they don't agree with you, secrets, maintaining appearances at all costs, etc. I was able to forgive myself for learning these responses. Ulitimately I was able to stop behaving that way (mostly!), and I'm sure this has headed off a lot of problems down the line. It's clear that these methods of trying to cope didn't really solve any problems for my family/ancestors, and so I was able to leave various bad coping methods behind.
It sounds as if what you're finding hits closer to home than mine did, so I'm glad you're being slow and careful and taking good care of yourself.
My experience of step 4, family of origin stuff has been to really remember .... in huge capital letters ..... that this is about MY recovery and not a green light to take everyone elses inventory.
Its interesting to know where the dysfunction comes from.....but also important to empathise with every member as to how their own illnesses and lack of recovery had affected THEIR lives and how they have been unable (not neglectful) to love unconditionally.
Family of origin work compounded my resentments for a while, as I watched that tiny defenseless me being bullied and neglected by family members and how my parents and grandparents were affected by their own situations.
It allowed me to see how I ended up marrying an alcoholic !
Self care and maybe some professional support was really important for me. Although it was a councillor that really re inforced the notion of my own neglect within my family.
Step six and seven have really helped me to focus on humility and forgiveness, which has been incredibly helpful....but I think I had to be ready to get to that place within myself to accept the possibility of that forgiveness.
Its also something that CAN be put down if it starts to have a negative effect..... its doesn't have to be done quickly.
Hope that helps you through this part of your journey x Good luck x
