The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The AMA has suggested that alcoholism is a family disease. Anyone who lives with or interacts with this disease unconsciously develops negative attitudes . We become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it. With these subtle changes to our identity we all require a program of recovery in order to regain our true selves and learn to again act in our own best interests.
Alanon face to face meetings offer this recovery Here we learn to break the isolation caused by trying to solve a problem that we are powerless over and develop a support group to assist us in regaining our lives.
Alanon face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is found in the whit e pages Call and obtain a list of meetings and you will find your answers.
Keep coming here as well You are worth it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 31st of January 2013 09:27:30 AM
The AMA has suggested that alcoholism is a family disease. Anyone who lives with or interacts with this disease unconsciously develops negative attitudes . We become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it. With these subtle changes to our identity we all require a program of recovery in order to regain our true selves and learn to again act in our own best interests.
Alanon face to face meetings offer this recovery Here we learn to break the isolation caused by trying to solve a problem that we are powerless over and develop a support group to assist us in regaining  our lives Alanon face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is found in the white pages Call and obtain a list of meetings and you will find your answers.
Keep coming here as well You are worth it.
Hi Again
I do hear you and I believe I have uttered the same words and felt the same feelings. It was pointed out to me that I was holding a great deal of anger and resentment over the disease and this was hurting ME. Alanon would help me to release these negative reactions and set me free to be filled with Serenity .
I did not have to give up any of my activities and found that even with a busy schedule I could find a meeting
It did work that way.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 31st of January 2013 11:17:14 AM
This probably seems like a no brainer, but if my DH has the problem, WHY do I need ALANON? He tells me it will help me to understand...i just don't get it...he's got the problem he needs to fix it...i'm trying to be patient and kind understanding and loving (and it's NOT EASY)...and now i have a problem too??
Welcome. You came to this board, so why not give it a try?
In my opinion, it makes the NOT EASY part a little more bearable. Sometimes it helps to know others have gone through it when you hear other people's stories. Sometimes you might even learn a new way on how to handle something a different way. Sometimes you may just need encouragement, to go that one step further. Sometimes you just may need to vent. I hope you keep coming back.
I always heard "If you know someone who has a drinking problem and not going to alanon, you are part of the problem" My AH was the one that suggested I go. He was in the thick of his addiction when I went and my honest reaction was the same. Why on earth do I have to do the 12 steps he will do. I DON"T HAVE A PROBLEM. I actually threw a fit on the way home because it wasn't what I thought it to be. I wanted answers on how to fix my AH, what should I do if he does this, what can I say if he says this....but thats were alanon will get you. Keep going no matter what, and then you realize all those question were all about him. Let's talk about you for a moment. We spend so much time focusing on them, my best bet is that we don't even know who we are anymore. I didn't even have a hobby. My hobby was trying to keep my AH safe. Something a grown man can completely do on his own if he were healthy. Please keep going to meetings and coming here. I am in no way shape or form saying you have a problem, what I am trying to say is a little work on ourselves is never a bad thing. And once we are at peace with ourselves life flows a little easier afterwards. Much love to you and prayers that your question will be answered.
I'm glad you have found us. The reason we benefit from Al-Anon is that alcohol's effects don't just stop with the alcoholic. If they did we wouldn't be bothered about any of it, would we? But alcohol drags everyone around it into the insanity. Our own thoughts become distorted to the point where we don't even recognize that we've lost perspective. Our lives have been made difficult and chaotic, our decisions distorted. But we do have power over this. Our longtime way of thinking about the alcoholic is that we have to get him to change before our lives can get better -- that's the only way for things to get better. But Al-Anon shows us that that's not true. We have the power to make our lives good, healthy, and serene whether the alcoholic stops drinking or not. We usually didn't know we had that power. Those are all reasons we can get so much from the tools in Al-Anon.
I always heard "If you know someone who has a drinking problem and not going to alanon, you are part of the problem" My AH was the one that suggested I go. He was in the thick of his addiction when I went and my honest reaction was the same. Why on earth do I have to do the 12 steps he will do. I DON"T HAVE A PROBLEM. I actually threw a fit on the way home because it wasn't what I thought it to be. I wanted answers on how to fix my AH, what should I do if he does this, what can I say if he says this....but thats were alanon will get you. Keep going no matter what, and then you realize all those question were all about him. Let's talk about you for a moment. We spend so much time focusing on them, my best bet is that we don't even know who we are anymore. I didn't even have a hobby. My hobby was trying to keep my AH safe. Something a grown man can completely do on his own if he were healthy. Please keep going to meetings and coming here. I am in no way shape or form saying you have a problem, what I am trying to say is a little work on ourselves is never a bad thing. And once we are at peace with ourselves life flows a little easier afterwards. Much love to you and prayers that your question will be answered.
Thanks for all the insight...I agree with you completely. I went to 1 meeting awhile ago and I thought "this is not for me"..frankly the folks there were a little creepy at best...i have hobbies, i am active in my community and with my family, my focus is not all on him but on US as a couple...i cannot tolerate the lying and deceit, lying about dumb stuff like going to the gym but really not going but staying home...JUST SAY YA STAYED HOME...geez why is that so damn hard??? UGH...so hard so hard!!
The AMA has suggested that alcoholism is a family disease. Anyone who lives with or interacts with this disease unconsciously develops negative attitudes . We become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it. With these subtle changes to our identity we all require a program of recovery in order to regain our true selves and learn to again act in our own best interests.
Alanon face to face meetings offer this recovery Here we learn to break the isolation caused by trying to solve a problem that we are powerless over and develop a support group to assist us in regaining our lives.
Alanon face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is found in the whit e pages Call and obtain a list of meetings and you will find your answers.
Keep coming here as well You are worth it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 31st of January 2013 09:27:30 AM
thanks, DH sent me the phone number for Al Anon this morning...I'm resentful that he thinks I need this...reading from what the responses here are it sounds like i do, but i don't want TO! i want to do as i do with my life, church, friends etc...i don't want to have to work in time for another meeting!! heck i have enough time trying to find time to get my nails done every 2 weeks and that is something i want to do! i know selfish as it sounds, i just dont want to go...i dont see the sense...i went to the 1 meeting before becuase i told dh i would see what it was about, i went i saw, and i'm done..just not for me... he has 15 yrs of sobriety and is back to regular meetings and working a program...great...good job for him, i am sure he will continue to improve and maybe he will be less deceitful...THAT IS MY PROBLEM RIGHT THERE...DECEITFULNESS....hate that word...
bsketlady - I can understand not wanting to do it "for him." It won't be apparent that you are doing it for you until you see and feel it doing good "FOR YOU!" After his recent behaviors, I can see how some humility would be appropriate from him rather than coming at you in any way with what "you should do."
You will probably enjoy it and it will become something you value a lot more than getting your nails done :) It will be a gift to yourself to spend that time around other folks who have direct experience in dealing with alcoholic personalities.
P.S. - It's also early on after having had this experience with the "almost" infidelity. You are going to want to make some sort of peace with it because, even if it was him that brought this on with his actions, it's still your problem because you now have the anger, mistrust, and resentment and that IS your responsibility to work through because those feelings are yours regardless of how they got there. Alanon will help you there. The program teaches us that justifiable anger is still not a good thing even though we all experience it.
Bsketlady, if you didn't feel comfortable at the F2F meeting you attended, maybe there is another one in your area that will be more comfortable. Just like most things, each grouping can have a different kind of personality. That meeting might not have been a good fit for you. Don't give up. You deserve a chance to find some encouragement and hope through real people who are facing the same challenges you are.
I can offer that I went to a couple of meetings many months apart and felt the same anger, frustration, resentment thatyou described--there I was, doing something that HE should be taking care of in his life.
All I can say is many months after these two experiences I went back to meetings, f2f and online and hearing the experiences of others in the same situation as me, with the same anger, frustrations, and resentment began to feel strangely....helpful! It is very difficult for us to put focus on ourselves because we have spent so much of our lives focused on THEM! I would humbly encourage you to try a few more meetings (maybe different locations, as Annie suggested...that worked for me), read the literature and keep coming back here.
thanks everyone for the words of advice and encouragement..you're right my feelings are mine to deal with and i have to figure that out and perhaps Al Anon is the way for me to do that...ugh....ii guess i won't know until i try it again and i will pray on it and hopefully get to there sometime soon.. and yes some humility on his end would sure do WONDERS...but all i hear is "i'mworking the program, going to meetings and i'm with my sponsor"...in my mind i hear "whoopie doo ain't that great, shoulda done that before we got down this road"...he just acts like this will become history and he will work on his end and i get zippo! no amends, 1/2 hearted i'm sorry only when confronted...really?
You don't need to apologize for sharing how you feel. That is why we are all here. I learned something from an AA veteran when I attended a meeting with my AH. He told me, "Let him work on himself. You need to concentrate on you". Inside of my head I was thinking, "But you don't know the hell he has put me through". In retrospect, he probably had a pretty good idea. The frustrations you are feeling are something so many of us share. We want to see changes immediately. We want the fear to go away. Unfortunately, it takes time, and it takes work on our parts. We need to find serenity and good health for ourselves.
Everyone here is right...AlAnon is for YOU....and even though it takes time and effort initially it becomes a way of life. You will reap the benefits in almost all of your relationships and circumstances that have nothing to do with your acoholic. I think everyone should go to AlAnon....it teaches you a way of life that is simple in it's concept and freeing in its execution. I use AlAnon principes in many,many aspects of my life.
Please give it a try...I think you will find it well worth the effort.
Hi bsketlady Thanks for asking the question. Just like we can't TELL an alcoholic to go to AA no one can TELL us to go to Alanon. We have to be ready for it, and recognise that we NEED recovery. I first went to Alanon because I was trying to stop my AH from drinking. I was slowly losing any idea of sanity because of his lies and behaviours. I didn't know what to believe or what was up and what was down. I went to the 6 sessions they say to go to and bought a daily reader. I didn't really identify with what was being said. Others were taking about counting bottles (my AH drank away from the house) and losing houses (my AH was working and bringing in a good wage) I heard I had to change and yet I was the normal one.....why should I change anything? I thought the people in Alanon were franky very weird. I didn't go back.
I started going to open AA meetings to try and understand what my husband was talking about and why we was the way he was. He was still drinking. He used to come back from AA meetings drunk, because he said they were full of drunks who spiked his coffee !!! If I went I could make sure he stayed sober...... I was still playing his game and enabling him to NOT be responsible for his actions. I was making myself responsible for trying to control HIS behaviour and becoming very very angry, because his behaviour didn't change.
Of course Alcoholism is a progressive illness and he got progressively worse....and so did I.
He's been in sobriety 6 1/2 years now. Our journey took us to a decri nici, and through building a new relationship with eachother. Its not easy. I want to say because HE can still be difficult....but in all honestly I can be just as difficult because my head can easily become full of the negatives that belong to the past....and criticisms that belong in my own head and not shooting from my mouth. I'm learning NOT to take HIS inventory and to concentrate on mine.
I don't think anyone with the Alanon illness really recognises the changes that happen, because the anger, resentments, fears build up slowly, as a drip drip drip through osmosis. Many of us begin to find it harder and harder to recognise that our own needs are not being met.
When I went to Alanon for me it was a very different experience.... Alanon is helping me to return to how I should have been as a drip drip drip in the other direction somehow.
I have hobbies too. Of course it all has to be kept in perspective. I go to church events, and have my children and now a grandchild that take up my time. Alanon is not like AA. It doesn't have to be all encumbersing. We are not trying to fight addiction in the same way. What WE are dealing with is not life threatening. We are dealing with confusion because of being affected by someone elses behaviour. We're dealing with hurt, anger and resentments because we cannot be treated as we thought we would be within our marriage... Alcoholics are very self absorbed.....even in sobriety. Accepting that and not trying to change it....is tough !
To begin with all I could cope with was the slogans. It doesn't have to be pressured. We can take our time learning HOW we are affected. By the time I was ready to start 'working the program' and 'take a sponsor' I had become very grateful for being eligible to be in Alanon and to be able to work the program in such a safe environment. That took time. Years ! It can only work if we WANT to work it. For some they find that gratitude much more quickly. I'm a very slow learner !
Recieving no amends is hard. I hear my AH say that him staying sober is amends. Unless they work their program fully THEY can become dry drunks. They go to meetings but the behaviours don't change. They can still try to blame us for that. BUT We didn't cause it We can't change it and we can't control it.
All we can do is work to protect ourselves from it....so that WE don't remain angry and with expectations that can't be met.
Its a choice. Its ok to choose NOT to be in recovery. It means nothing will change. And that ok.
My queston is WHY are you being asked to become a member?
-- Edited by f2fmember on Friday 1st of February 2013 07:04:39 AM
-- Edited by f2fmember on Friday 1st of February 2013 07:13:32 AM
-- Edited by f2fmember on Friday 1st of February 2013 07:15:49 AM
Sending you wishes for serenity and peace, bsketlady. I hope your meeting goes well.
If this helps any, I can put a different spin on Al-Anon for you. It's been my own experience that Al-Anon helped to empower me more than anything. And yes, this program is for YOU. Do it for you, not your A. If you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, then Al-Anon might be beneficial for you.
Hi bsketlady. Brilliant you've taken the time to go and see. They say to try 6 meetings to see if it is for you or not Its a shame you didn't hear anything you could identify with. Identification is an important part of it all at the beginning. I think though that it can take time to see through the things we don't identify with to hear the things we do.
again my question is why are others telling you to go? Sometimes we can't see the reasons around our own behaviour. The Alanon illness grows over time. I think in face to face meetings listening is as important as sharing.
Step 2 might be a difficult one to hear at your first meeting... The God stuff can scare people. Its not a religious program. The way I've heard step 2 though is that it is talking about power. (after step one being about powerlessness) I have my own power. I am the power of one. In an alanon room there are others. You said 6 in your room. Each of those 6 people have their own power. Therefore in an alanon room Iam part of a collective power greater than me.
As I learn to trust that power greater than me...and begin honestly sharing what is in my heart and mind, slowly I begin to notice an improvement in my sanity. People in Alanon understand how it is. I'm no longer alone. I am in a safe place where my fears, resentments and anger can be constuctively absorbed. Leaving me free to live my day.
Let God and Let God.....and One day at a time are such liberating slogans.
Did you find a slogan there that spoke to you?
-- Edited by f2fmember on Monday 4th of February 2013 10:40:01 AM
