The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't block anything. I have boundaries that he will not call me if he's drunk or I hang up. He will not call if he's in trouble or I will hand up. If he's dying he can call me. I don't have to answer emails...I don't have to answer messages. It's my decision. I will talk to him unless it treads on my side of the street and I will stop it.
I have not had one call about taking him to the hospital because he trying to detox. I haven't gotten any calls when he falls off his bike because he was too drunk and hurts himself. If I ever see a call coming from the police or a jail facility I will answer but will not accept a collect call from him or will not go bail him out anymore. He can sit there and go through the system like everyone else does. He has to except his choices he makes...mom will not be there.
I might cry, have fear or be at level 10 anxiety but I will take care of me to get through the crisis.....I will not enable or help him through the crisis anymore.
Like today...I saw him, we talked, looked at my new car and then he left. I was crying afterwards but I got though it with the help of my HP and the tools I have put in place.
Take care my friend...
PS: Set your boundaries but stick to them....I never kept my boundaries and it only brought me more trouble.
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Wednesday 30th of January 2013 07:30:20 PM
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I am ready to hand over my situation with AD to my HP. I am ready to have no contact. How do I go about this? I am unsure. Do I block emails, her phone number, and her ability to Instant Message me? Everything else is already hers. Her own life, her own home, car, legal issues, bills, etc. She has it all. I am asking more so to prepare to do this if and when she may fail again as you see today....and I only look at today.... she is okay. Tomorrow could be the day, the next day, or more than likely it will be the weekend when I will want to cut the final ties.
Does anyone have advice on how far to go, to help her by no longer helping her? I honestly want no further contact whatsoever if she does not continue to work hard for herself. I have read here often how the A is able to call someone and ruin their day and the left the phone on so that the A could still contact if need be. I live near my AD so she would be able to come to me if she needed, although I also would not welcome that. I don't want a drunk at my house or my place of work which is also near her.
I want to break the cycle of her using me and manipulating me. I just don't know how far is too far or if there IS a too far...?? Does that make sense?
I don't know your specific situation. What I have found in my own life is that cutting people off is more intense than setting boundaries, and brings up more intense reactions. So for instance if you refused all calls, messages, etc., that would be a more intense thing than saying, "I'll talk to you every Sunday evening, but if you're drunk I'll have to get off the phone right away." Of course that boundaries-drawing means that you'd have to be very careful at protecting yourself and doing what you've said you will. Well, that applies to either path, actually. Do you have a meeting and a sponsor? Talking this over with a sponsor might be a great thing to do before taking the next step. It takes a while to figure out the best way to work things. Take good care of yourself.
sounds like your angry and this is understandable. wait until you can think clearly and rationally, sit down and write out what your boundaries are and then communicate them to your daughter and have her sign it. when she decides that she needs to break these bounds then pull out the paper and remind her of your conversation. this will at least give you something concrete in hand and will also serve to remind YOU of what boundaries you have decided you MUST have to continue to have a relationship with your daughter... just my 2 cents.
Ok. I had decided that my husband wasn't an alcoholic, but had a narcissistic personality disorder. I found a forum and learned about the condition. The advice was NO CONTACT.
I tried. I stopped his phone calls (so he phoned the kids) I refused to let him visit( difficult when we have 3 kids together) I refused to discuss business (difficult as I couldn't work full time due to my own illness and had 3 kids)
We seperated and I kept it up for 2 years or more. The more I cut off the more obsessed with me he became.
I understand your want to stop the cycle of manipulation. I still fear the control and manipulation even now.
What happened? He struggled to keep him job. He lost the respect of his children and of course he lost me. We got the decree nici.
And then he found sobriety.... all by himself. Nothing to do with me. he found his own rock bottom and had a spiritual awakening. He found his own way into AA rooms. It takes at least 6 months sobriety to recover any real sanity of course. Then we started dating again. We 've been back together now for 5 years.
What I'm saying is that what ever decision you make is open to review. The slogans say Live and let live one day at a time progress not perfection and plenty more that allow us to think about breathing our own oxygen.
Its ok to step back and start to really set our boundaries. It is painful though. We spend years supporting them, trying to fix them and catching them when they fall. Its painful to let go and watch them hurt themselves.....and of course alcoholism can be fatal.....facing that is unthinkable.
step one ays that when life is unmanageable its because we are not focusing on our own needs. For me NO CONTACT allowed me to really set my boundaries and begin to find out what my needs were... Trouble is Alanon says to detach with love. I wasn't able to do that Loving this man was what was causing all my problems after all. I couldn't love anyone.....including myself at that time.
baby steps and allowing myself to trust this program eventually allowed me to live in my one day....and start to put things into more perspective. It allowed me to accept HIS recovery and to start to work on mine.
Its not easy. I really hope you find your solutions. My prayer now is to be willing to be willing.....to heal. It takes time. Each day is an opportunity to view our choices. And to change our choices.
We can't break other peoples behaviour, we can only work on our own. We can only work with what we are capeable of coping with.....
