TO RECOVERING AA'S - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

TO RECOVERING AA'S

oldergal · Senior Member

I would like to respectfully ask "how are we Al-Anoner's doing" in your opinion. Do we seem like we are "getting it" when it comes to the recovery of our A-loved ones? Do we seem determined, whimpy, still to Co-Dependent,...maybe a little more of this or that .....would love to hear from you, positive or negative....thanks Oldergal

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Do we seem determined, whimpy, still to Co-Dependent,...maybe a little more of this or that .....
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I personally don't care at all about what anyone in AA thinks about me. I have stopped putting the world into 2 groups...AA and not AA. Now there are just people. And I want to be myself around all of them and I want to protect myself from self-centered, selfish people who are around us everywhere. There are a lot of jokes about AlAnons in AA and I know in the Alano Club that I often go to for AlAnon meetings they say some pretty nasty things about us. It doesn't bother me because I consider the source. AlAnon works! It's all about me now and the things that I feel are important. Not anyone else.

f2fmember · Veteran Member

..................................... Do we seem like we are "getting it" when it comes to the recovery of our A-loved ones? ...................

I spent a lot of year trying to 'deal with' my A's recovery. Then I started working my alanon program for me.
My husband has been in sobriety for 6 and 1/2 years now. He has obsessions and compulsions that HE has to deal with on a daily basis. My job is to develop enough detachment so that I'm not caught up in it or become its focus.
Whilst at the same time maintaining enough compassion and connection to remian in an honest marriage.

I don't always find it easy but have just been through my step 6 again. developing enough humility to be willing to be willing to heal....myself not him.
He is how he is
acceptance is step one. I suppose we have to keep returning to step one daily just to survive.

Many AA's still think we meet up just to run them down and spend all our time discussing THEIR recovery. Many are cross because we stop living their game. Many are hurt because they see Alanon as giving THEIR loved ones the strength to leave.
Of course none of this is what Alanon is about.
They find Alanon a scary place to be because they feel they are personally hurt all of us....
But if they take the time to attend, either in their own right or at an open meeting, or at a convention, many also begin to see and value what we do, and the recovery we find for ourselves.

I therefore feel that if AA's say negative things about Alanon it says a lot about their own lack of recovery often.
Of course we concentrate on our own recovery and do not take other peoples inventory..... none of this matters?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I wouldn't be a good judge of if any person in alanon is "getting it" persay. I am the first person to say my AA program is 100 times stronger than my alanon one. The programs overlap but they are not the same.

Personally, my experience in AA has not been that AAers find alanon folks uncompassionate. I have found it much more common that they believe alanoners are too forgiving and put up with too much BS. When someone goes to the AA board first here at MIP before the alanon board (whether by accident or just to get the AA perspective whatever that is), they usually get bombarded with "RUN FORREST RUN!" and "Don't do crap for the A because they are a selfish jerk." That is how sober people often view their "prior" non sober selves. I know I used to be a morally underdeveloped jerk who manipulated people. Sometimes it's painful for me to read about you guys being treated so bad. I even recently posted about that.

BUT - I've been on the boards here long enough to know that's my issue. Like anywhere, there are a variety of folks coming in here. Some seem bitter and angry, some seem depressed, some seem resigned, disgusted. Everyone has been affected by someone elses drinking in a bad way and that is basically the common thread. Some may seem enabling and some not...Shrug.

I have noticed that a person who is an oldtimer in Alanon seems very similar to a person who is an oldtimer in AA. After many years, the steps become a way of life and not the issues that brought you into whatever 12 step program. So it's kind of ironic and funny that, in the long-term, the two programs really shape a person in the same way.

f2fmember · Veteran Member

Yes pinkchip.
I totally agree that when it comes to oldtimers, we are very similar. We all work the same program.....
I have some really good AA friends as well as Alanon ones. We are simply fellowship friends. And it is a wonderful fellowship to be a part of.

I think its also important to remember that we as Alanon members are also guilty of hurting our AA loved ones......t least until we began to realise that they are suffering from an illness. Part of the alcoholic illness is self destructive. For many AA members its hard to accept that not all blame sits with them....
My AH husband is as much an adult child as he is an alcoholic.... He has suffered in an Alanon way as much as I have.....
His focus for his recovery is to stay sober one day at a time.. He hasn't yet (and may never) begun his Alanon journey. He has found his own way to deal with his Alanon issues through his own AA recovery program.... Personally I think that shows clearly (for me ) that what is important that we are all honestly trying to get better....

we all get better in different ways and at different paces....even though we are all working the same steps....and thats ok ?

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