The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi all - i've been on the AA page and it was very helpful and they referred me to over here :)
what great posts to read here, and they are so helpful!
i am really struggling with trusting my husband again...i see things aren't right i can verify he has lied beyond a shadow of a doubt about stupid stuff like not going to the gym or an aa meeting (not necessary not stupid here)...
why continue to lie if you are trying to rebuild your trust
i busted him close to having an affair he freely admitted when he was caught...i look at our cell bill and SEE for my own eyes things aren't right..something is up and he denies it all...
he tells me him returning to meetings after a 3 yr lapse - he did not lose his sobriety of 15 yrs, just stopped attending aa meetings because of his busy involvement with church activities that him working on himself will make our relationship better
i cannot tolerate a liar...i am patient and can tolerate a lot but not lieing! just really gets under my skin
i have no clue what to do it's only been 2 weeks since he got caught and i'm ready to throw in the towel
In my view, there's no obligation to trust someone unless they've proven themselves trustworthy. Sounds as if something funny is definitely going on, and I'd be wondering what the real extent of it was too.
In Al-Anon there's a saying, "When in doubt, don't." In other words, you don't have to make any decisions right this minute -- to trust, or not to trust, to leave or not to leave... You can get a firmer sense of things. But it sounds as if your protective instincts are kicking in. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
Hey there. I read your post on the other board and I can tell you, as an alcoholic in AA, if I lapsed from the program for 3 years, I have no doubt I would morph into a super self-centered person (worse than I already am lol) and I would justify to myself making all kinds of willful choices. Even when busted, I would minimize the damage done to others and try and congratulate myself on doing "the right thing" even if it totally stomped on others' feelings. That is what a relapse is like with an alcoholic. Basically, he had a relapse without picking up.
Now, trust will be a challenge and you will either decide to trust or not. Alanon can help you with this process. It's not for sure what he will do in AA. Ideally, he'll work the program and come to the conclusion that he really needs to make ammends to you through words and deeds, but of course the ideal doesn't always happen and many of us alcoholics retain a degree of self-centeredness even in recovery.
Even a 15 years sober, he's still operating with a patched together mind and it's really dusty now that he's been away from the program for so long.
So....I know you are in pain, but this is not gonna get fixed over night. More will be revealed. For today, you do not have to figure him out or what you are going to do in the relationship. You are composed of much more than just this relationship. You have your HP with you (even if you don't know it), you have other relationships, interests...etc... You don't have to obsess on him while waiting on time to reveal more of what will or will not be in the relationship. You can give yourself permission to not understand him and to not know right now exactly what you are going to do. It's okay.
In my view, there's no obligation to trust someone unless they've proven themselves trustworthy. Sounds as if something funny is definitely going on, and I'd be wondering what the real extent of it was too.
In Al-Anon there's a saying, "When in doubt, don't." In other words, you don't have to make any decisions right this minute -- to trust, or not to trust, to leave or not to leave... You can get a firmer sense of things. But it sounds as if your protective instincts are kicking in. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
thank you -- i want to trust, but my inner gut is saying "somthing isn't quite right" and when i confront him he blows up and of cours eit's all me and he's not going to spend his life being doubted and accused....well that's the bed ya made in my book!
thanks pink :) i have so many others in my life "needy folks" my 72 old mom who has health problems that are easily resolved if she followed her doctors directions, an 17yr ADD/ADHD teen daughter who is hell bent on defiance, disrespectfulness and attitude NO MATTER WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE and problems at work with lack of ethics, morality and just plain ugliness...
my patience is gone and i am just having a good ol' pity party for myself today which i know isn't helpful but geez o flip for once i need sometime to take CARE OF ME..ya know?
i hate not "having a plan" or knowing what's happening or not happening..boy do i struggle with that!
This is a great place to be bsketlady. I haven't been here long either but I have found great support here. Much needed guidance and wisdom of those who have been through what I go through or what I may still have ahead of me. NO matter what I've learned to take care of me. I hope you are able to do the same. Read, read, read all the posts you can. Keep coming back here.
